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Worthless
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sheswounded posted:
Hi, I've posted on this site many months ago, but haven't since then because I lost both my password for this site, as well as my email address password. But, I finally figured it out and so I'm back, still fairly new, however.

I am chronically depressed, have been this way consistently for the past 2 years or so. I'm not on any anti-depressants, and don't really know how to go about getting on any due to my situation. I do believe that I need something for depression and possibly other mental illnesses, and I'm sure a psychiatrist would agree. But, since that's not an option for me at this time, I'm trying my best to cope everyday with this debilitating illness.

The main problem I'm having now is feelings of worthlessness. I've always felt less than everyone else around me, even as a child. I've never felt important, never even new I was supposed to love myself, never new there was a such thing as respecting yourself, etc. As I grew into adulthood, I didn't look back too much, things were getting better for me, and so I just went on with life.

Later in my adulthood I started making a lot of mistakes in life, and I feel guilty about it now. It's been about 10 years, and I have been through hell and haven't come back. I attribute all of the things that have gone wrong in my life to the mistakes I've made. I look t how hard I've tried to turn my life around, and based on where my life is right now, I'm convinced things will not, cannot get better. I feel worthless. I have no friends in my life. Those that do know me and know my past, well I feel like they want to see me pay for all that I've done. No one, and I mean no one is on my side. I believe that I really am worthless. I don't even have my dad's support, and he's never been in my life even as a kid, but for some reason, no one I know seems to think that's a big issue. This just confirms my belief that I am nothing. Because I am worthless, I don't feel I deserve to go to the doctors for serious health issues I'm having. I don't feel I deserve to be happy. I feel I deserve to live how I live. I deserve all that is bad.

I know that feeling worthless is one of the symptoms of depression. But, I don't think that this is just a symptom for me. I think it is true. I know it's true. There is nothing in my life that lets me know I'm valuable, or someone. I don't even need to be special, but I always wanted to just feel like someone, like a part of this world. But I'm not, and I know I never will be.

So, since I can't end my life on my own right now, I am trying to find a way to live this way. It's so hard having to get out everyday and know that I am so worthless. I hate myself so much and it's just hard to keep going like this. I can barely stand it. I'm at the point where I am so overjoyed that life can't go on forever. To me, this means that I don't have to live like I do forever, and I can't even say how good knowing this makes me feel. Still, I have to try and find a way to survive without meds until that day comes. How do I do that without having a nervous breakdown, or stroke or worse?

I just want to see what others think before I just finally leave this mess alone.
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rohvannyn responded:
I've felt just like you do and you have my every sympathy. I felt that way even with friends and family, so their presence or support is no guarantee that you will feel worthwhile as a person. That's the nasty, pernicious thing about depression. I was helped by St. John's Wort in tea form, it gave me just enough of an edge to get through, but that might not work for everyone. The tough part about depression (I've found this anyway) is even when there is help to reach out for, it saps your motivation until you don't have the energy to even ask.

I've found self worth by DOING SOMETHING. I don't know how much you can move around and go places, but even growing a plant can help you get out of your own head. Coming on here and helping support other people with depression could even help you. Just anything to help you get out of your own head adn help others will give you an automatic sense of self worth. For myself, returning to my art helped me get rid of some of those worthless feelings, because it is something I'm good at. I don't know what your talents are, but I'll bet you have one.

Meanwhile, check out the resources on the side of this community, including the relaxation exercises and stress reduction tips.
 
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sheswounded replied to rohvannyn's response:
Hi Rohvanny,

Yes, I've heard of St. John's Wort. I've even attempted to purchase a bottle, but got discouraged because I felt that since my depression is so, for lack of a better word, bad, that I would find little relief from the pills. Since that time, I've heard several people comment on the benefits of St. John's Wort, and have done some research on the product myself. I may go ahead and give it a try. It couldn't heard, the price is fairly reasonable.

You make a great point about feeling worthless even surrounded by family and friends. This is a very true statement. I'm starting to realize that any feelings of worthiness, happiness, etc must come from within me, and that no one can make it happen for me.

I've not yet discovered any of talents. Hopefully, they're just hidden, and have yet to surface, but I don't know.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and suggestions. I appreciate your time.
 
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rohvannyn replied to sheswounded's response:
Talents can be odd things. It could be anything from being good at finding information to having a green thumb to being able to draw to being good at calming down babies. Small or large, having successes can help build up your sense of self esteem. It doesn't even have to be an amazing, earth shattering talent. And if you don't feel like you have a talent, you can develop something you are a little bit good at. Or go online and learn a new skill, that you've never tried before. Pick something easy at first, if you want, expand your knowledge a little. Nobody has to know... the fear of failure often stops me, so I put that in for good measure. For me, learning about the world around me or exploring new ideas helps me get out of the little dark world inside my own head and lets some light in, so to speak. There's so much free information on the net, so many interesting things to see. Who knows, it might help?

Still wishing you the best.


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