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    Don't know what to do (self-harm trigger)
    scarletveins posted:
    I've been depressed for 2 years now. It was severe from the start, suicidal thoughts and self-harm. I don't remember any "trigger" like a traumatic event, I don't even remember how it started. I just know that I've never been really actually happy and one day I decided to act upon it in the form of self-mutilation. I've never talked to a counselor about it, I'm too anxious to reveal my feelings to someone in that situation. There's one person in my life that I've told, but it only hurts more because they care about me and want to see me better. I don't know if I want to get better. As wrong and unhealthy as the place I am in now is, I'm accustomed to it, it's become the norm for me. I'm not sure what to do anymore. Most days I wake up crying because I'm so upset that I've actually woken up. And there are times I feel so lost and confused and helpless and alone that I wander my house crying, not sure what I'm doing or what I want to do. Each time it's so sudden and intense, with no identifiable all. Constantly, I feel this up and down. I just don't know where to go now or what to do.
    rohvannyn responded:
    As I understand it, depression, even severe depression, doesn't need a triggering event if it's because of a neurochemical imbalance. It might seem odd but I can understand wanting things to stay the same. Sometimes the pain we know is easier to deal with than the uncertainty of change. I think at some level you do want things to change, that you realize that things could be better.

    According to folks in the excellent Self-Harm community on this site, the desire for self-harm comes from a need to somehow express or externalize inner pain. According to them, it is usually separate from a desire to actually die.

    Help is out there. There are some resources on the side of this community, there are listening ears here and elsewhere, and if worst comes to the worst you can go to the ER if you feel that you are suicidal or likely to self-harm in an extreme way. If you have insurance then there are usually quite a few resources.

    Thanks for coming here and reaching out, I hope we can help in some way.
    ccirish responded:
    You've taken a big step in posting on this site. Reach out please oh please and seek counseling. You are so not alone!
    I have battled depression on and off and get counseling to help
    along with medication. There doesn't have to be a trigger.
    Depression can and very often is a chemical imbalance and
    can come on for no reason. Hang in there and seek help!!

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