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An_252073 posted:
I have a husband that suffers through depression and nothing I do can make him happy. We have been married almost 24 years. I have begged him to go see a professional like he did years ago but refusses to do so. Last time the thearapist helped him out so much and he used to take medication. He no longer does either. Every day he has a list of demands for me and threatens divorce if I do not obey to his terms. He later forgets the demands he already put on me and changes them to new ones thinking that he will be happier. I am to tell him all my wereabouts at all times, what I buying in detail and even show him the groceries that I buy each week. I am trying to obey his every wish but he has been verbly mean each day. I tell him that I love him and he says he does not believe me. He complains about the house not be cleaning enough, the kids not being the way he wants, the cooking not to his liking and even complains about sex. He states how he hates almost everyone in both our families and feels that everyone owes him something. HELP
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itmatsb responded:
Have you figured out that nothing but nothing you can do will make him better? He has to be the one to change and seek help. Why do you stay with such an abusive husband? Your children will be much better off if you leave him. You would be better living in a shoe box than staying with him. The only thing that you could do which MIGHT help him to change, would be if you left him. Kick him out of the house. And by the way, your husband suffers from a lot more than depression.
 
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rohvannyn responded:
Why would you love someone like that? Do you value yourself that little? Or are you concerned (and I undestand this if you are) about losing your children, your home, and your support? I imagine you remember the good times with him and I imagine he can be very intimidating.

Standing up to him and advocating for yourself is going to take a lot of courage. You do have rights, and one of those rights is to be treated like a human being. He is using divorce as a threat but honestly, with a record like that, you could take half his wealth and ruin him. You have all the power but he wants you to think he has it. Judges almost always listen to the woman first when it comes to dividing up the resources in a divorce.

So the next time he were to threaten that, if you were to say "since it's obvious you don't want to make an effort in this relationship, even so much as treating me like a human being, then I agree with you, divorce is a good idea," then you would probably scare him badly. Of course, that could be dangerous. If you ever feel physically threatened, don't hesitate to call the police.

Depression is not his only problem, that is clear. You can't fix it by making him happy. No one can make him happy but him.

Try this. Look honestly at what he's doing, then imagine your best friend is telling you about this behavior. What would you tell your best friend? Then, be your own best friend.
 
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afreeth responded:
It sounds like he might have borderline personality disorder as well as depression, google it and the symptoms to verify though. The issues you have been dealing with also sound mentally and emotionally abusive. It can be really difficult to admit that someone close to you could possibly do that, I've been there. The truth of the matter is that they probably don't recognize what they're doing is abusive and they're in such a chaotic state of mind that if they did recognize it, they wouldn't know what to do about it. And the worst part is that in their own warped way they probably do love you. However unfortunately I've been learning that unless the person is willing to recognize and take charge of the issues at hand and work with you to resolve them, there is nothing that you can do to help their depression or change their negative behaviors. They need to want to make a change. You have a choice to make and it's going to be a very difficult one. You have to choose whether this is the life that you want for yourself and your children if any of them are still living at home. You have a right to be happy and it doesn't sound like your current environment is a very happy place. No one deserves the treatment that you've described above. I would also suggest some counseling for yourself to help you sort out your feelings about the whole situation and help you to objectively look at your options. In a best case scenario, he might even join you for a few sessions and get back on track as a result and at the very least, you'll feel less alone and be better equipped to deal with everything if you choose to stay with him. Good luck.


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