My mother said'why are you the way you are'
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raerob posted:
I was talking to my mom yesterday. I am 47, she is 77. She atold me she does not understand my ups and downs. That she and my father were not that way and I did not get it from them, so what's wrong with you.......
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rohvannyn responded:
What an incedibly unhelpful thing to say! If you want to give her an answer, you could always say "because everyone is unique. Although neither of you had a mood disorder, it could have been a recessive genetic trait. There can also be environmental causes, as well as learned behaviors. Either way, would you be asking this if I had diabetes? That also runs in families."

Of course, they might not appreciate that. But it's the truth. There's nothing WRONG with you anyway. There are challenges you have that you don't share with everybody else, but nothing wrong with you as a person.
 
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raerob replied to rohvannyn's response:
I cried silently while I was on the other end of the phone. I am not sure if this makes sense, I believe I am slowly on the uphill climb to healing and taking the much needed steps that I have been providing excuses for. My emotions though are I think ...well I don't know what to call it but I am not stable enough to talk back so to speak. I get broken over and over again and cry so badly. I just can't go there with her or anyone I know as far as family, the comments they make crush me every time. I am so looking forward to learning and gaining the strength I need so I am not so sensitive. I can't keep track of how many times I cry a day. It's an overwhelming feeling. It's very difficult to feel as though no one understands. I called a few counseling places today, I had to leave messages I also left a message for my pastor. I am ready, the hardest thing is waiting and wondering why it takes so long for someone to call me back. I took the steps now it's a waiting game. Even though I crie d with my moms statement part of me laughed inmy head. Atleast I know I am not in denial of what I am going through though it sure makes me want to run away, far away from some family. I
 
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jackiedev responded:
my mom always says its in my mind when really its more than that its a physical pain.. nobody will understand unless they walk in your shoes and feel what u feel dont let opinions get the best of u keep ur eye on the light at the end of this dark tunnel.
 
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rohvannyn replied to raerob's response:
I'm glad you've been reaching out for support. Learning how to be strong in yourself can be very difficult at times. Keep telling yourself, you can get through this. You can do it. You ARE as strong as you need to be, deep inside. Repeat this long enough and you will start to believe it.

Now it's off to take my own advice... hugs to both of you.
 
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mhoffman79843791 responded:
Your parents are probably unaware of their own ups and downs or else they are in denial. Mood disorders are genetically based. They had to have passed the genes for mood disorders to you. It sounds like you would be wasting your time, trying to explain this to them because I believe that they won't listen. They sound closed minded to me. Try to figure out if any other relatives in your family have mood disorders. Finally, I believe that what your mother said was mean and uncalled for. I hope you feel batter.
 
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Liamma responded:
Not easy to understand another without walking in their shoes.

Depression does run in my family but they won't admit it.

What I have found is that I am what I think for the most part. I tell myself that these thoughts and feelings do not control me. I choose how to react to them. I love life and everything that presents itself to me is an opportunity to give back kindness and patience including myself.

I am me. No apologies

I exercise often. Very important. Lifts the mood.
 
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SharonNVirginia responded:
Dear Raerob,

I had the same reaction from my Mom. Here's how it went:

I had finally consulted a psychiatrist. Years before I had gone to a psychologist who had me tell him the story of my life. When I was finished, he said "You can't be depressed, you have no reason to be."

Sadly I was in my 20's and this was before the internet. So I decided there was no help for me. After the birth of my second child at 39, I had been exposed to enough info about depression that I tried again.

My psychiatrist talked to me a while and then said "Are you Irish?"

Yes, I said 25% pure Irish.

Well, said he, you know that reputation about Irish drinking.
It turns out alcoholism and depression run together in families.

My Irish grandfather, my mom's father, was an alcoholic. A functional alcoholic but first thing in the morning he had his bourbon. I first drank bourbon as a tot when I innocently lifted his glass and took a swig.

So I called mom and told her what the psychiatrist said. Are there any alcoholics in the family, Mom, or has anyone ever been depressed?

No, no, she says nothing like that in our family.

What about your dad>?

Well, he liked a drink but he never missed work.

And your grandmother?

Well, she had to be hospitalized for "hardening of the arteries" in a mental hospital.

And Uncles John, Craig and Don? Well, they liked to drink but could hold their liquor?

And no one's ever been depressed?

No, no, of course Mom did take lithium but that was just to calm her nerves. and Sister is on an antidepressant but that's just because she's high-strung. And your cousin Ann is on anti-depressants because she just got divorced. No, dear, I'm afraid it's just you.


DENIAL is a great stress reducer. LOL ROFL

You don't have to quit talking to your mom. But you do need a BS detector. Someone to whom you can recount your conversations who will defend you and tell you when mom is full of it. And, btw, I don't hold this denial against my mom. Strangely, she has avoided depression most of her life by the SSTORIES she tells herself. Hey, it works for her, but not for me.
 
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rohvannyn replied to SharonNVirginia's response:
It amazes me that anyone who calls themselves either a psychiatrist or a psychologist could say that there is "no reason to be depressed." Genetics or no, the whole point of depression is that it's more than just a bad mood. It's usually an imbalance of neurotransmitters in the brain that doesn't just cause sadness but a whole host of physical problems in varying degrees of severity. THAT"S WHY IT"S A DISORDER. People don't choose to be depressed, you don't need a reason to have it.

You can blame a person for not doing their best to manage their condition, I suppose, but you definitely can NOT blame a person for having that condition in the first place.
 
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MKGilbert responded:
My sister asked the same thing about me and my eldest son recently~he's even worse off than me, totally dependent on us at age 28 due to severe anxiety/depression. I know there's a genetic component, but people usually keep these things hidden...my mother was the only one of her sibling group of 6 that was healthy mentally and physically. Her mother died rather young of stroke, brought on, my mother always thot, by mother going overseas as a missionary, so most likely my grandma had high anxiety. My mother suffered from depression herself in old age, but would never admit it. She became so bitter and nasty no one could stand to be around her...I'm determined NOT to ever get that way, but continually forgive, forgive and forgive again. There are days I can't be around people at all, as I get so snippy, but I try my best not to take it out on my loved ones. KNOW that your loving Heavenly Father created you for a reason~even tho we are overly sensitive, and often criticized for it, we can use that quality to help others. Praying for you!
 
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MKGilbert replied to raerob's response:
It took me until I was 40 to be able to stand up to my mother at all~she's been gone for years now, and I still have bad dreams about her sometimes! I had to accept that even tho she couldn't ever say "I love you" or "I forgive you" (which we NEED to do/hear to find closure" I know she showed her love by doing. She was very critical, and I don't think we ever fully recover from hearing how deficient we are~esp as a child (It really wasn't THAT bad, for me, but I'm a highly sensitive person.) When I was finally able to start accepting that it's OK to be ME~I started to heal, but it's a life-long process, and someday, in Heaven we will be at peace with our loved ones who never understood us...Take heart, and know that with every little step in the right direction you will become a stronger, better person~the person your Father created you to be. If we had no trials we would become complacent and smug, never growing. Love and prayers, MK