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Wish my family would see how they affect my mental health seriously...need to learn how to get back to who I am
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Butterflykisses4Chela posted:
Hello...today is my Birthday, I turned 33 and it's anything but happy...I have been suffering from depression and gosh I don't know what else...I cant seem to get a grip anymore...I want control of my life,emotions and sanity. I've been feeling like this for a very long time now and it's just getting worse. I cannot afford insurance to go to the doctor yet alone the medications so for all these years I thought I could handle it and make things better. I am a highly emotional person and hurt very easily....but that's because my heart feels too much and when I get hurt I feel like im cut deep...and the pain has now turned into anger and resentment towards myself and the ones that I feel wont let me get better.....because they didn't take my cries of help and begging to not keep making me feel like what I felt...I always was vocal...I cant take it..plz don't mess with my head...that I felt like I was slowly losing grip of my mind...I begged my husband many times to really take my emotions and his reaction to them seriously....to help me not let my sanity escape me. What triggered my "meltdown" today was a birthday comment of a high school friend...he wished me a happy birthday and many blessing beyond belief. " You are one of the sweetest people I know, so I do pray that everything works out for you today and in the future. Have an awesome day surrounded by your friends and most importantly you family" I read this and automatically started crying....The part that made me got into an overwhealming panic was..."you are one of the sweetest people I know" my heart ached because I used to believe that and felt it by others...I always was there for my family and friends...and did what I could to help them out and bring smiles to their face...Im a little funny...people would come to me for advice because I brought a positive outlook on things and gave great advice actually....but I couldn't do it for myself. I have become the person I have been trying so hard not to be....i gave up....i gave in to the negativity that i cant change....everyone has proven to me that being a good hearted and loving person is not enough not to want to take advantage of my kindness and unconditional love i give. When i bring you into my heart i give you a piece of it...i take love very seriously. I just wanted to be treated like i treated people...I always have had a problem dealing with pain...i am way too emtional...instead of my loved ones telling me it was ok to feel like this and let's make it better...it was always...you are a crybaby...stop taking things to the heart all the time...so i kept it to myself , it started becoming a problem was when i started feeling anxiety attacks and then go into a cycle of different moods....and then ending up numb...i fought really hard for many years to keep it "under control" and put on a smile...i was really good at that...I had to...i had so much to deal with already and i wasnt going to let those feelings ruin my days..i thought i was doing good for a while...but eventually i became bitter like everyone i loved..specially my husband...he was supposed to have acknowledge the severity that my depression was becoming...he never understood that i couldnt help it...he thought i was just being a bitch when i would yell at him to help me instead of getting mad because he wouldnt listen...my head slowly and slowly kept getting crowed and filled and it was harder to control my "breakdowns" im now 14 years married and in the worst condition ever.I became negative and angry..and now not only am i holding on to dear life to what sanity i feel i have left...my boys have become angry aswell and disrespectul...i blame myself because i couldnt stop this from happening...i didnt want to become like the family my husband came from. My boys have learned to play mind games with me just like my husband has done for so long...they like to get to the point where i blow up and then Meltdown.even seeing me at my lowest they dont care
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Butterflykisses4Chela responded:
I am really having a hard time not breaking down everyday...I do what I can to not let it get the best of me but like I said...my own family gets a kick from getting me upset...they think it's funny...they laugh at me when I start crying because they just don't listen and they are always fightin..everyone is always screaming around here...and I am the worst one....I become a monster I feel...I feel my head getting all overwhealmed because I try so hard not go go there....I scream at them and ask them why?? Don't they see what's happening to me...that its not a joke and then I start to cry and go lock myself in my room for hours until they need to eat....I lay here numb...not feeling anything but drained....I have become lazy...I still clean ...but when I do I bust my ass...but they don't care...they don't help me keep this house clean...they are so messy...all I ask is they pick up their mess and it would be so easy for everyone...but no...always a fight...I get really nasty looks from my oldest makes me feel so bad...I don't like screaming at him like I do because he doesn't listen but he thinks he can get crazy with me...so disrespectful....I feel like I failed my boys....I couldn't prevent the poison of ignorance and negativity from their Dad's side to over take our own family...we moved from our home town to get away from all that even....thought my husband finally saw what we were becoming and wanted to change it...i know he's had it tough growing up like that...and he has shown me a good heart and that's what i thought i was getting...but he changed once we got married....i was controlled and putdown for just being me....it was hard..i wanted to show him and his famly love and the meaning of true family...the negativity runs so deep in their hearts that they cannot espace it...my husband included...thought i could show him a better way of family life....he is a great provider...hard worker but pretty much that's it...but when it comes to being a loving husband and father...he has failed us i believe...i always told him i wanted him to spend time with the boys...to build bonds...talk not scream...to praise them not only point out the bad....it would tear me apart that he wouldnt try enough...i couldnt teach my kids to be a man...only he could...that was a huge problem for me and the fighting with him became worse...i couldnt understand why he just wouldnt try to be a better family....i was changing...he noticed alright but instead of making him change it made him angry because he felt likei always blamed him and was trying to put him down...he always took out hear to hearts bad...i cant even till this day make him understand that is not what i intend when i speak of us..i just want him to say...ok im sorry...i see what has happend to us...make me feel like he gets it and wants to change...they sorries came and went but things are just going in circles and im at my deepest...i know i have a lot to chance with myself..i accept my mistakes...i became an alcoholic and smoked marijuana to cope...I do not want to be this person anymore...i dont smoke anymore and im trying not to drink...my body feels so worn out and hurts all the time...its screaming for me to do something...i dont know what else i can do...i dont want to end up giving myself a heatrattack or end up in the looney bin...its just hard to let go and forgive my husband for not protecting us and now being so angry because he cant handle what i was trying to prevent...he cant handle me being like him now...i cant handle it myself...it makes me sick...i feel like nothing i do will change my family...i dont want this for my kids and have them spread this toxicity to their famlies...it hurts because i tell myself i love this man deep down inside this anger and hope for the change my family so needs...i know i have to dig myself up from these feelings and start fighting for the family my boys deserve...why cant i just be feel better enough to pull out of this darkness
 
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Butterflykisses4Chela replied to Butterflykisses4Chela's response:
Not only just my husband and boys have contributed to my depression...my family and friends too...with them I learned that I don't need people like that in my life so I cut them out eventually after I couldn't take it....I really did have and still do have a good heart...I cannot understand why everyone in my life hasn't made me feel used and not give me back a bit of the love I did....why am I such a target for people to walk all over and not care to see me hurting...when all I do is love....I have made mistakes...I am human...but I not even close to how people have treated me...the fact that every single person I love doesn't love me back like I do...they are so quick to let me go and not even care if they hurt me to the point Id rather not be around them than to keep hurting and getting angry at them...instead they mock me and my feelings...that messes me up so bad....it hurts to the core...I have learned to let go of people who brought negativity...I was even so proud of myself to let them know why...it was one of the hardest things I have ever done done is tell my loved ones I couldn't be around them anymore because they were doing me more harm than good and I couldn't take it anymore....now im seen as the one who gave up on her family...that was not so the case...I still care but I care more enough about my boys than to have let anymore negativity and them seeing people disrespect and use their mom for their own selfishness...i feel so low because my own boys make me feel what they do....i cannot take anymore heartache....i cannot take anymore pain....i do not know what else to do to help my family see and want to change....i know they do to...we have good moments here and there and they do show me love...i was very nurturing and caring with them intil they started to get angry and treat me like dirt...i know its not their fault growing up in this...i dont blame them for that...i blame myself...but now that my oldest are teens and my baby who was and angel is becoming just like them i cannot get ahold of myself enough to not want to blame them too...i know they see me....they always come to comfort me after a meltdowna nd tell me they love me....i love them so much...i know they have good hearts....but how do i erase the negatitivy that seems to keep holding our family captive because after having a heart to heart and telling them we need to all change they just asume and ten mins later messing with me again....its so much harder after i pour my heart out and belive that love will conquer it all....i cannot afford to get medical help ....i really need a way to get out of this drepression and help my family get to a good place....i know we want it and cant do it but why is it so hard to get out of this....i know i want nothing but to be ok for me and my boys...why do i allow myself to stay here....i feel like ive done evrything i could and i lost because i cant help this damn feelings...i can feel mysefl getting sick...i cannot allow this to happen to us anymore....just dont know how i am gonna do it without setting my self digging a deeper whole....i feel the harder i try..the harder i fall....i need advice...someone plz help me....i cannot fight this alone anymore


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