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Depression screws a nearly ideal life.
An_252240 posted:
There's nearly no joy in anything. When I'm at work, I can't focus. I just wanna sleep and do nothing, despite how much I love my job. That's assuming I can even get there, though. Sometimes I can't even force myself to get out of bed in the morning. If I do get there, I waste away eight hours until I finally get home and just sort of sit around on the computer or watch TV until I fall asleep.

I'm engaged to an incredible girl who I absolutely adore, but I can't keep any of the plans we make unless they're spontaneous. Being around her is the only time I'm unconditionally happy, but she lives almost an hour away so finding time for each other can be hard right now. She's very supportive of me and I feel extremely comfortable talking to her.

I have two cats that I consider to be what keeps me alive - I can't stand the thought of them going to a bad home or whoever they're entrusted to being unable to keep them. I rescued them both from shelters as kittens and see them as children. I also have two tarantulas and some fish, but they're obviously much less "in-your-face" pets and don't have the same impact on my life.

I have a great relationship with my family, too. My parents live nearby and give me plenty of emotional support and are well above what most people would consider financially stable. My parents have both attended counseling with me.

Before my mental health started deteriorating again (which it never ceases to), I was looking to buy my first home and really starting to make progress in my creative endeavors. However, everything's come crashing down. I simply want to die constantly instead of doing things I like, instead opting to lay around wallowing. I ignore my health and have become unable to care for myself, resulting in the loss of 5 pounds. That may not seem like a lot, but I'm 5'9 and weigh 110 pounds currently. I also haven't cleaned my car or apartment in months. There's trash everywhere.

My life is good. I don't understand why I feel like this. I'm attractive, confident, and satisfied with my present and foreseeable future. I have no mental trauma - I grew up fairly wealthy with attentive parents and a close circle of friends. I dated plenty in high school and was considered fairly popular. However, recurring depression has plagued me since 5th grade. I'm finally seeking help for myself, but it's not working. The antidepressants don't help and I'm done trying. I want it all to end. I don't know what to do. I never find myself crying, instead only mentally shouting at myself for it all to end. I'm done with this. If I had a gun, it would be over. I wouldn't be writing this. That's all I'm going to say.
itmatsb responded:
I know exactly what you mean. I was suicidal for several years after being depressed since childhood. I knew that everything in my life was perfect--my job, my friends, where I lived. I knew that I was attractive, bright, had plenty of money, you name it. It was clearly a chemical imbalance that responded to anti-depressants. How many anti-depressants have you tried? Have you given each one about a month to feel the full effects? Have you tried an MAO Inhibitor such as Nardil or Parnate? That is a more unusual one due to the diet, but it made me the happiest I ever been. Just had to stop it due to a bad side effect. Then light treatment helped my depression when nothing else on the market at the time could help me. And what about ECT? It's not the horror from the past. Let me know the answers to my questions. You deserve to have a happy life and can have it. Just don't give up until you have really tried everything that you can. It will be worth it.

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