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    An_245437 posted:
    Why, when so many people I know fight diseases, cancer, etc. do I not want to wake up in the morning. I have no purpose, only hurt others by stupid things I say and do......I am in a snowglobe that aliens control and constantly shake it for their Amusement. I have family so I must remain in the globe until they pass. Then I will be able to leave without causing sorrow to others. I hate I am weak, and feel this way. I don't really know we by I am posting here....... not looking for sympathy, just trying to understand why I want to die every day.
    itmatsb responded:
    Most likely you have a chemical imbalance which causes your depression. It sounds like you have severe depression and that you should see a doctor ASAP about. It is not a sign of weakness any more than a diabetic person needing insulin is weak. Medication could greatly help you as it has helped me.

    It doesn't matter what terrible things others have to deal with. Now that I am having chronic severe pain with 2 different diseases, I can tell you that I have never had anything so painful as my suicidal depression.

    Get help. You deserve a better life.
    An_245437 replied to itmatsb's response:
    Thank you for your response, itmatsb, I will look around for one. I am sorry you have chronic pain from 2 different diseases. I have a family member and friend who wake up to pain daily, yet I can not help them. What do u do to cope with your suicidal depression. No response necessary, thought I would ask. I inflict pain....I deserve to feel the physical pain and it helps me cope (sounds stupid I know).
    I will see someone, do not worry, most of the time I feel lost, know I cannot leave yet, and sometimes it helps to write it down in hopes I realize I need to get a grip and quit whining.
    I hope with each day your pain subsides.
    itmatsb replied to An_245437's response:
    To An_245437, Thanks for your very kind words. I can tell you what saved me from suicide many years ago. The only one that I'm sure can help you is #1) I kept trying various anti-depressants before all the newer much better anti-depressants were on the market. This was 30 years ago. That's #1 what you need to do. These other ones, I'm not sure of for you. 2) The doctor handed me some Xanax which I would take at night when I didn't think I could stand it even another 10 seconds. That put me to sleep. By morning it was more tolerable. 3) I kept bargaining with myself about when I could commit suicide, just as a means to know that there could be an end to the pain. But it always bought me more time. 4) Eventually, I did find an anti-depressant that worked like magic. Today I am very happy from taking both an anti-depressant, one of the newer ones, and an anti-anxiety medication. There is loads of help for you.

    As far as my severe pain, I have gotten a lot of help from the medical community with all sorts of injections and meds. So I'm in pain daily, but no longer in severe pain constantly. Still I can barely do much of anything, or I end up in the ER. I was very resentful and grief stricken, since I also had a whole bunch of other medical problems following a major stroke which caused my 24/7 migraines. Then I met a woman on one of these sites who was far younger than I am, and had constant strokes which were gradually taking away all her memories. But she had arrived at gratitude for every day that she had with her grown children. That turned me around. Now I am finally grateful for all that I can do and what I have in my life. But it was a journey.

    Still when you're in the midst of strong depression, I don't know that any comparison will make any difference. It wouldn't have mattered to me, since I didn't think that any torture could be any worse than the way I felt. But you can and will get better. Just remember that. Don't give up.

    Just remember that there is help for you. Be sure to tell your doctor that you self harm yourself. That's also important for your proper treatment. I wish you the best.
    niteflier replied to itmatsb's response:
    Thank you imatsb, I do think of others I have seen in 'skilled' - and I do use the term lightly- nursing facilities. I continue to watch others suffer, yet fight for every breath. I am so fortunate, yet I get angry for feeling the way I do. I have tried numerous anti-anxiety and depression medication. I am on some now, but they do not help like they use to. I have had counseling for years. Now must find a new one as my other moved. Not excited about that but it happens. When I find a psych I am not sure if I will tell them I self harm. I do not want to be locked in a cage. I will know when I meet them.
    Thank you again for your advice. I am doing ok. As I said I have family that will hold me here until they all pass. The youngest passed from car accident and it devastated my mom and siblings. I swore I will outlive them all so they do not have to endure that pain.
    I just don't know why I feel the way I do when I have everything going for me.
    Thanks again.

    Perhaps the Animal Spirit is so great that one day it may inspire compassion in the human heart. Nan Sea Love

    itmatsb replied to niteflier's response:
    There has got to be more that can be done for you. Have you told your doctor that the meds are no longer helping you the way they used to? Perhaps the dose needs to be adjusted, or you need another med, e.g. Abilify, added to it. Is there another anti-depressant that you haven't tried that could help you. Have you tried an MAO Inhibitor anti-depressant? I bet not. Also ECT is an option that is not the horror that it used to be. I don't think that a doctor locks up anyone for self harming, unless what you are doing is life threatening. Many people self harm.

    When you say that you feel angry for feeling the way you do, do you mean that you blame yourself? Remember what I said about this not being your fault? A physical chemical imbalance is not situational. I had the greatest life that I have ever had since, and was suicidal. Then the right anti-depressant completely turned me around out of depression.

    You need more medical help if you still feel this way. Please get the help that you need and deserve. Otherwise you are just being self-destructive. Go to your doctor and be honest about the fact that your meds are not working well for you. If they say that there aren't any other meds and you have not tried the MAO inhibitors, bring them up to the doctor. Take care.
    An_245437 replied to itmatsb's response:
    Thank you itmatsb, I will mention the Mao (need to look up first). ECT I believe would help, but I can not take the risk of not recognizing my mother. I have calmed down a bit and made an appointment for this week to discuss meds. Just a bad spell for a few days, thank you. Take care of yourself as well.
    niteflier replied to An_245437's response:
    I tried to ask your opinion - 1300 letters and the site froze. Wasn't meant to ask.


    Perhaps the Animal Spirit is so great that one day it may inspire compassion in the human heart. Nan Sea Love

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