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    Tomato05 posted:
    I found out yesterday that my husband has been having an affair for a while (saw messages on his computer); he then admitted to it. She's 19 years younger than him... He's not interested in saving the marriage.

    The shock and heartache are bad enough, but worse are the problems awaiting me: I am unemployed, and have been looking for a job for a long time, so no income. I am not young - 48. I don't think I got the job for which I went for the interview recently, as they haven't contacted me (promised to contact the successful candidates by last Wednesday).

    So, I won't be on the board very much for a while - I have to focus on survival. I'll go pleading with job agencies in the week.

    I wish all of you all the best with your weight loss and maintenance; You are a great group, and mean a lot to me - like my substitute family almost.

    Keep on supporting each other. I'll try to pop in from time to time (but to be honest, I won't even have money to afford a flat, much less for an Internet connection.). My husband is cunning and has money stashed away in accounts abroad that are on no record, so I'll only get a certain share of the rest (but we also have a huge mortgage), but that will only sustain me for a few months.

    All I want is a normal life!

    totallywiggedout responded:
    Ah Crap!!! NO NO NO NO NO
    Tomato, I sure hope you fight this right into the ground. I understand about your "clean break" divorce law but the fact is that if there's money ANYWHERE in his name, he's liable to pay you HALF. You are also to get HALF of the sale of the house and all saleable items within the household. You also get to tell him to sell his vehicle if it's the only one in the marriage and you get HALF of that money. If there are two vehicles , take the best one.
    Then when it's all said and done..... hunt that homewrecker down and feed her to a croc, him too. They deserve eachother.
    Tomato, stick with it girl. You are far better than that man deserves and you know it.
    Tell us your skills, your home town and country, and I for one will help job search for you online. I have too much time on my hands most days and maybe I can help. Let me help.
    lean on us we are strongest as a unit.
    Kim SW 243 CW 182.6 GW 135

    If hunger is not the problem, then eating is not the solution.---author anonymous

    What doesn't kill us makes us stronger---Friedrich Nietzche

    maybembt responded:
    Sorry to hear that Tomato, I'll be praying for you.
    Marybeth 228-201-150

    I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses.
    NOW CHOOSE LIFE (Deut 30:19)
    jis4judy responded:
    well (((Tomato))) that was a shocker a lot of men seem to think a younger woman willl make them feel young again it is the weird thing this surely isn;t something you needed to face stress isn;t our friend ...Listen to Kim drag his butt into court and find that money and make him share
    You accually may do better without him .. My sister got divorced her Husband ran off with a younger woman she did well on her own she was a computer programer and did ok once she got employed her husband left while she had teenagers in high school , she accually needed food stamps while she was looking for work ..
    Once on her own she had to arrange and pay for her childrens education her crazy X wanted to come home after about 3 years she told him NO! Funny thing happened he sued her for half the house property values were sky high but her lawyer said he could only have half of what it was worth when he was liveing there so he got about 10,000 she paid him to go away
    you will do fine just get a job so you can live ..good luck

    Hugs Judy:)
    SW 247 CW 149ish maintaining

    Remember the Gold is not in the prize it's in the Journey
    life may not be the Party we expected but while we are here we may as well dance

    Tomato05 replied to jis4judy's response:
    Thanks to all of you!

    I will indeed seek legal advice very soon. I am entitled to half of everything, you are right, Kim.

    Maybe it's the old midlife crisis that hit him, who knows. He is like a lovesick teenager, argh - on the computer incessantly, sending Yahoo Messenger messages, and Skyping when I'm not within earshot. The sooner he moves out the better. Did I mention she is Vietnamese?

    My first priority is to get a job; I am not highly skilled, but have some qualifications, and I've done all kind of admin and media jobs. Must pick up the pieces of my life now.

    God bless to all of you; you are true friends.
    Tomato05 replied to Tomato05's response:
    I used the "Enter" on the numerical pad by mistake, and it turned every one into br, how bizarre (see my previous post).
    abnersmom replied to Tomato05's response:
    So sorry to hear this news, Tomato. I have a couple of very personal suggestions to which you do not have to reply. Please get tested for STI's and perhaps your lawyer can force your husband into it. Also, talk to a lawyer ASAP even though it is extremely painful. You may be better off in a settlement if you are NOT working. I don't know. I understand that this may not be an option, but I'd get advice. I have a friend who actually got half of everything plus alimony and child support along with half of his retirement because he had an affair and their was a significant risk of disease in that particular case. It helped that he had endangered her life although not something you'd wish for. She's fine and quite happily remarried to a wonderful man.

    Sorry for the bluntness when what you need is love and support. This is a tough time and you are in survival mode, but know that you are not alone. We share your pain and pray for happier times ahead.
    Debbie SW 265 CW 155 GW 150 - To keep our faces toward change and behave like free spirits in the presence of fate is strength undefeatable. Helen Keller

    lost815cm responded:
    Wow, I'm at a loss for words! I'm so sorry! Keep your head up and stay positive as much as you can! Loves!
    Catelyn SW 276 CW 250 GW 150

    "Isn't it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back everything is different...." ~C.S. Lewis
    totallywiggedout replied to Tomato05's response:
    I'm not sure I remember correctly what your crappy husband does for a living..... BUT you take that guy for all he's worth.
    If he had a retirement fund at work , you are entitled to half of that too.
    If he had an IRA, or a medical savings fund from work, you get half of that too.
    YOU MAKE SURE YOU GET IT ALL! Don't wimp out. I friggen did. I was loathe to take my ex's retirement fund because although he left me (for an older woman with grown kids) with our three toddlers, we had only been married 3 years so I felt bad taking his retirement...... WELL TO HELL WITH THAT! I found out that he'd been puttin in double into that fund since the twins were born, about the same time he'd started his affair. Then 13 mos later, he jumps ship.
    Screw that girlie! You take yours for the ride of his life!
    Kim SW 243 CW 182.6 GW 135

    If hunger is not the problem, then eating is not the solution.---author anonymous

    What doesn't kill us makes us stronger---Friedrich Nietzche

    totallywiggedout replied to totallywiggedout's response:
    Think about this a PRE revenge..... The more money you can get from the divorce settlement, the LESS attractive this way older man is gonna look to his vietnamese chicky poo.
    Even if it takes awhile to get it settled.... "Revenge is a dish best served cold".
    Kim SW 243 CW 182.6 GW 135

    If hunger is not the problem, then eating is not the solution.---author anonymous

    What doesn't kill us makes us stronger---Friedrich Nietzche

    jean4u responded:

    You are in shock and deeply hurt by this discovery. I went through this, too, when I was 55. My husband of 30 yrs. was leading a double life. I found out by "accident". The gal was younger, too. He left the home and filed for divorce. I had 2 daughters in college and lots of bills. I was numb. I did have a job, though.

    Try to think clearly. Make a list of ALL assests, insurance policies, anything that is of potential value. Make a list of people who may have knowledge of his assests. They might be willing to share information.

    BTW, I told my husband that I had a private investigator follow him and that's how I knew he was cheating. But I did NOT have a PI, that was a fib on my part to get him to confess...and he did confess.

    Have you told any of your family members about this? My daughters were sad. My oldest was really helpful in getting me to think clearly in that confusing time.

    Get all the information you can online about how to best prepare financially for this. Check and see if you can get alimony or some income from him, at least until you can support yourself.

    I made the mistake of getting a high priced lawyer that did not help me. My husband hid money as well and would not show up for costly court appointments.

    You are NOT old, at 48, you have alot of good years ahead. Just get through this, one day at a time. You need to learn your rights. Maybe he has a legal obligation to support you financially. Maybe it is in your best interest to hold off on getting a job. Know what "cards" you have and how to play them to your advantage.

    You WILL get through this!

    Stay STRONG!!!!


    BTW, My husband never remarried and the fling was just that. I have been with my 2nd husband for 12 yrs., married for 4. I felt no one was ever going to be interested in me. I met my 2nd at a support group for widows, divorced. Maybe you should go to a support group like that.....very helpful.

    P.S. What you are going through is a crazy time. You are not crazy, I felt like that. It WILL get BETTER.
    blondie454u replied to Tomato05's response:
    I am so sorry Tomato. I know what it's like. Take everyone's advice get legally help and join a support group. You're a great person who deserves to be happy. Do whatever it takes to find your happiness during such a harsh time. I am here if you need someone.
    Amber CW 135 maintaining, SW 250. Stress is nothing more than a socially acceptable form of a mental illness.
    rohvannyn replied to jean4u's response:
    So sorry to hear this happened to you, Tomato. I sincerely hope that in the end it will end up better for you. I think it will, because who needs a dishonest person like that in their life?

    A suggestion I have is for you to try looking for telephone customer service positions if you can. If you can type and speak with reasonable clarity, many call centers are hiring this time of year and most of them will pay your for training. Telemarketing is almost dead, there is lots of inbound customer service work out there, and even if you don't like the job it will at least get money coming in till you find something better. If you have a chance to go online, check out, it's a clearing house for pretty much any job out there, and you might find some possibilities.

    We're with you, and I wish you the best.
    Roh SW 220ish and fluffy CW 178.0 GW 140ish and buff

    'Your focus determines your reality.' -QGJ

    'Try not. Only do.' --Y
    Fynness responded:
    Tomato, I do hope you stay in touch and let us know how you are doing with updates from time to time. Don't give up and hang in there! I am sorry to hear about this dreadful news You must take care of yourself first however, this is true. Do what is best for you! Just wanted you to know, you are in prayers...
    Lorrie SW 290 CW 268 GW 185
    ~~ Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning. Albert Einstein ~~
    abnersmom responded:
    Continuing to send positive thoughts and prayers your way, Tomato.
    Debbie SW 265 CW 155 GW 150 - To keep our faces toward change and behave like free spirits in the presence of fate is strength undefeatable. Helen Keller

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