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    Tomato05 posted:
    Thank you so much for all your lovely messages of support (after I posted about my husband having an affair) and all the advice; they have done a lot to provide me with strength and sanity, really. You are my real friends! I'm taking every bit of your advice to heart.

    Latest developments: we've been for a marriage counseling session, and will go again next week. But don't get the wrong idea: I am not going to stay in this wreck of a marriage! I am playing for time, while I get my ammunition in order and prepare. E.g. next week I will go and see Legal Aid.

    If it was a different type of person I may have considered giving it a second chance, but not with his toxic/mental bully personality.

    I haven't weighed myself lately, but my clothes aren't really any looser. I am still eating healthy, as my health is more important than ever, and I still go to the gym, which is my little safe haven away from reality.

    Thanks again for the support; you are all so lovely and deserve the best!
    Fynness responded:
    Morning hun,

    Legal aid will give you some good advise I'm sure. If he has a job, I would see an attorney though, your costs should be minimal if anything at all! They don't charge for consultations (usually) just find out about their experience, rates and options for your state.

    Your health comes first! It is wonderful you are continuing the gym and eating well! I can imagine the gym would be refuge from the situation. Hang in there! You are in prayers...

    Lorrie SW 290 CW 268 GW 185
    ~~ Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning. Albert Einstein ~~
    jean4u responded:

    Good to see YOU!

    Before my divorce, husband and I went to marriage counseling, too. He still was seeing the "other" woman. I became like a private detective. I wrote down the mileage in his car, BEFORE I left for work and then checked it AFTER I came home. I did this for a series of nights. Turned out it was the same 30 miles each night. When I asked him what he did when I was at work at night. He would say "just stay home". So I confronted him in front of the marriage counselor about the lie of staying at home when I had proof of his car mileage. He did not know what to say and the counselor was dumbfounded. Counseling will not work if both people aren't being honest and if there is a 3rd person still involved. I DID continue to see the counselor during and after the divorce to help me get my head on straight and keep it that way.

    Don't worry about your weight during this stressful time. Just eat healthy and savor your gym retreats.

    Good for you to seek out Legal Aid. You can do this! What you said about getting husband stopped having his cell phone and "company" credit card bills sent to our home. I requested them sent to our home and got the mail BEFORE he got home. On these reports were evidence of his calls to "her" and restaurants, etc. I even found Valentine Day
    receipts. These "special" celebration proofs really hurt me.

    Sounds like you are getting beyond the shock and putting on your armor and getting ready for battle. Just don't give him a clue, after all he did not treat you fairly.

    Stay strong!

    You WILL survive this and be stronger than you ever thought you could be.

    totallywiggedout responded:
    What can we say, hon? You had been down for a long time, you know? The way you talked, and shared, about your relationship..... it never sounded like a two way street. He was gone alot and you were unsteady when he was, and worse when he got home. You know he wasn't supportive and you know he didn't treat you kindly, and it showed through in your blogs. It was sad, but I for one , could only help you with support here on site, but I wish I could've been there, BE there for you moreso now that even before.
    You are a sweetheart. Don't let this drag you down.
    I like that you are using the counseling as a time buffer to get it together. I especially like that you are making plans in silence to get through this.
    Don't forget, the first to file and serve papers gets the jump on things. If you are commited to this, which it sounds like you are, don't wait too long. A judge looks more favorably on a woman who is scorned and takes the incentive to fight back. It shows that you mean business and you aren't going to back down on stuff. It also shows your husband that you aren't going to just stand back and let him off the hook gracefully.
    Make an appt with a decent lawyer. A CUTTHROAT take No Prisoners lawyer, and then, make sure that those fees are in the deal to make your husband not only pay for HIS lawyer, but also yours. He works, he messed around , HE PAYS.
    Kim SW 243 CW 182.6 GW 135

    If hunger is not the problem, then eating is not the solution.---author anonymous

    What doesn't kill us makes us stronger---Friedrich Nietzche

    abnersmom responded:
    Good for you, Tomato! I will say that like Barb, during my divorce I went to counseling for myself as well. My counselor and I actually did role playing to help me deal with telling my husband I wanted a divorce and then again to tell my son, family and friends. Those things were tough for me and the counselor really helped me get through it. People say the strangest things to you - I had been married for 35 years and had covered up all the problems so it did shock family and some friends. It was a very stressful time, including buying my own place and just figuring out financial concerns on my own.

    I'm happier now than I've been in years and I know you will get to this place as well. In the meantime, stay strong, roll with the punches and take care of you in all the ways you need to.
    Debbie SW 265 CW 155 GW 150 - To keep our faces toward change and behave like free spirits in the presence of fate is strength undefeatable. Helen Keller

    jis4judy responded:
    Good luck tomato I am glad you are takeing care of yourself gym and eating right..
    You deserve a better partner thats for sure maybe when it is all over you might find a better one..
    get the best lawyer you can and make the deal that your hubby has to pay your legal fees because after all he broke his vows he should pay /Hugs Judy:)
    SW 247 CW 149ish maintaining

    Remember the Gold is not in the prize it's in the Journey
    life may not be the Party we expected but while we are here we may as well dance

    blondie454u responded:

    Glad you're trying to keep your head on straight during such a mess. Also feel you on the gym being a retreat. That's how I keep my sanity as well. Make this all about you and keeping yourself healthy so you can be your very best.
    Amber CW 135 maintaining, SW 250. Stress is nothing more than a socially acceptable form of a mental illness.

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