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New to this whole deal.....
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saphire85 posted:
So, I'm new to this whole exchange deal. Seems like a good idea however. I just feel like I'm at a point in my life where I need to hear from people who understand the battle that I face everyday I wake up. That I pray to wake up everyday because of that battle. I've suffered from bulimia/anorexia on and off for over a span of 8 years. I've fought it and won and fought it and relapsed. It's frustrating, intimidating and I'm a mother now to top it off. It was so easy to turn it off when i found out I was pregnant w/ her. She saved me the second time I relapsed severely. I just switched it off. But after 6 months after her birth and planning a huge wedding at the same time I relapsed. I was sooo healthy too! I was in shape and happy. And then bammm! I have no idea what happened!! And now I've been going back and forth in spurts b/t being a healthy gym goer and eating right, to binging/purging and not eating at all! It's frustrating and I'm at my wits end! I feel like such a failure to my daughter! She makes me so happy and yet I still find myself compelled to binge and purge at times. I feel depressed again and my meds aren't even working. I have to focus and make myself be happy and bubbly for my daughter. I DO Not want to be an unhappy mother for her and such a mess for her to see.
saphire85
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lostkate responded:
Hi Saphire85,

Welcome to the exchanges, you are not alone.

I understand your battle, I too have relapsed after many years and get frustrated, depressed and battle every day with being anorexic. Is there anything that has happened lately that might have been why you relapsed? Do you see a therapist? If your meds are not working, you may just need new ones or adjustment what you are taking now. Talk to your doctor.

Hang in there.

Kate
 
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Oopsla responded:
Dear Sapphire,

You ever slip on the ice? Do you say, "I am such a failure!" or do you pick yourself up, have a chuckle, and continue on?

I am sorry to hear that you have fallen. It can be frustrating. Take to heart that you have been on a healthy lifestyle before, you can do it again. Try to tackle your issue with a better frame of mind. Being angry with yourself will do little good except to keep you down. Say to yourself, "Whoops, how did I get here?" What were the triggers. Think with a level mind. Were you worried about looking good at the wedding? Were you cutting back. Was your schedule too hectic and you were not eating properly? Look at all the things that you might of changed. Keep this list in the back of your mind for when you are on track. Which you will be. Don't kick yourself. Learn where the icy patches are in your psych and work around them.

For instance I know if I get below a certain weight I have to watch myself closely. Or if I have to go to a meeting.

peace,
Oops
 
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emstoy09 responded:
Hi Saphire,
Welcome, first of all. Hopefully it is reassuring to hear from us that you are definitely not alone. Eating disorders literally eat at us, inside and out, and we lose all the control we think we are gaining. That is what is most frustrating to me anyway . . .

I wanted to comment on one thing you said. You want to "make" yourself be happy and bubbly. Obviously, your daughter needs you and loves you - she will always need you and love you. BUT - speaking from my own experience, sometimes putting up that happy mask only makes things worse. It is so, so hard to show the world that you are strong, happy, and healthy when you are struggling so deeply behind that front the world sees. What happened to me was that one day the mask I was putting on for the world fell off, and the crash was a big one. It would have been so much easier and so much healthier if I had reached out for help and admitted to myself, more than anyone else, that I needed help. All the energy I spent on trying to make everyone else happy by thinking I was happy could have been spent on working me and finding ways towards recovery.

We support you here and will always listen . . . go hug your daughter - I have no doubt she will put a smile on your face :)

~emstoy
 
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saphire85 replied to lostkate's response:
Thanks for the welcome to all of you. It feels comforting hearing that I'm not alone. So cliche but it's nice and real and truly comforting to know I'm not the only one with this battle.

In answer to your question Kate of anything happening lately, I would have to say the major things like planning the wedding and moving into a knew home and adjusting to new motherhood are the main changes. I feel like the main trigger, was the wedding. My dress. I was working out and eating right and losing weight constantly and I felt great. Then I just stopped. I think looking back at it, the stress w/ everything as far as planning was causing me to feel more fatiqued and lose sleep, hence causing me to feel more sluggish and eat more unhealthy. I gained a few and lost a few gained a few and lost a few and it became frustrating. Then the down cycle started as the time got closer for the last fitting. I figured I had to make sure I was down to the size I needed and I just didn't have the time to do that in the normal way it seemed so I fell into the old habits...irrational thinking again.

As far as lately, my husband has been working out more while he is offshore and is really looking great...while I on the other hand am feeling worse by the second. So I feel like I'm behind in the working out and health when it comes to him and some of my friends which makes me want to hurry up and lose weight which is again irrational I know! ugh!

As far as seeing a therapist, no I haven't seen her in a couple years now, and in truth I haven't wanted to go back. I don't know what the deal is with that really...I just feel like if I admit to needing to go back that I'm am admitting to being the "unstable" mom and unfit to raise my daughter.....

Medication is fluoxitine. The dosage was 20 but my doctor just recently moved it up to 40. I told her I relapsed and I thought I needed something else b/c it seemed to be getting worse and not working well. I'm wondering if I should try another med completely? I've been on this one the entire time! Any idea if there are better ones to be brought to the doctors attention?
saphire85
 
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saphire85 replied to emstoy09's response:
Hi emstoy,
It is very reasurring to hear from all of you. Thank you for your advice. I am so weary of always trying to be that strong happy person for everyone. I don't want what I said to be misconstued though. My daughter and husband are probably the only ones that are able to see all of my sides. They are also able to make me genuinely happy. And my daughter can make me smile at any moment. However, it's the moments when she's entertaining herself in her playroom and I'm cleaning or sitting folding clothes that I feel that melancholy come upon me and I suppose instead of saying I force myself to be happy, I just feel ashamed when I feel that saddness? Does that make sense?
saphire85
 
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saphire85 replied to Oopsla's response:
Dear oops,
Thanks so much for that. It is frustrating and I feel horrible when I fall but reading your reply was a really nice positive . It made reminder for me to think of the positive accomplishments and better days.
saphire85
 
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Lainey_WebMD_Staff responded:
Welcome to the community Sapphire,

This is a great community. My children are such a joy in my life too. I think it's great that you are looking for ways to help your struggle.
 
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saphire85 replied to Lainey_WebMD_Staff's response:
Thanks so much!
saphire85


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