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A Confession
Oopsla posted:
I do not starve myself anymore or B/P. But I guess I could be a candidate for self harm (SH). I may not use a knife but I will push myself physically far further then I should. Especially when the world throws me a screwball. Instead of letting it pass I have a need to damn the torpedoes and go. I know I do this to myself because I feel worthless. I compensate by proving to myself I can go farther, faster. That I am worthy at least in my mind. Many times it backfires and I can count the injuries as easily as a SH can count the scars. I wish it wasn't so.

I cannot remember who recently said it but the truth is that while you think things will get better in fact that is only marginally true. You can make great strides in healing yourself but until they cure "aging" things will continue to get worse each year. Making the most of what you have at any one times is all you can ask for. The best time to heal is now.

And to the comment (I think Msare said) about always being able to pick yourself back up. Remember, the last thing you don't do, is get up. So if you do, it is a good day and you have a chance.

Now I am off to go test myself.

Tootles people,
emstoy09 responded:
What an interesting (not exactly "positive," but adds perspective) thought to think about self-harm as something beyond physical harm/cutting etc. In that sense, I guess eating disorders are a form of self-harm to our bodies too. Goodness knows the physical symptoms that we ignore when we don't eat or B/P are so harmful to our bodies.

Not being a scientist, I can't say for sure - but I think that the same thing "inside" of us that drives us towards ED behaviors or overexercising (or lots of other things for other people) is something that is always inside of us - when we figure out how to supress it in one way, it just reappears as another.

I completely agree with the fact that healing is a lifelong process. We can work so hard to boost our self-esteem or work on healhty behaviors or open up about our feelings, but that *something* inside of us just continues to fight back and remind us of those thoughts that make us feel worthless or ugly or too weak and pitiful.

Control is such a HUGE thing for me. When I worked so hard to get back to a healthy weight, I had to find a new way to take control again and punish myself for feeling like I didn't belong -- and that led to some seriously awful thoughts about ending it all. Control is a crazy thing - I don't even know why I work so hard to prove to myself that I can control things . . .

Anyway, take care of you Oops . . . I'm sorry the world has been throwing you screwballs lately. Let out that anger or frustration - and work out without wearing yourself out, okay? We are all more thoughtful people because you are hear to provide your perspective and support us --

Oh, and those "tests" you give yourself about how far you can go - just try to think of it in a new way . . . maybe passing the test and breaking the record is slowling down a little instead of going into overdrive. I know it's not really that simple, but we can always try to trick our minds, right?!

Thinking of you,
Just when the caterpillar thought the world would end . . .
Lainey_WebMD_Staff responded:
This is very true Oops.


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