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    This is my first post in the community
    JFreak777 posted:
    I have been questioning whether or not I can truly admit if I have an eating disorder. I have been seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist for several years for schizoaffective disorder. When I was in high school I went on several different psych meds and they made me gain a lot of weight. I went up to about 225lbs. I suddenly found myself panicing over the issue. I just couldn't bring myself to eat. I would go days without eating. Then sometimes, I would be feeling better, and would go out and have a big meal. After coming home, I would start to feel guilty so I would puke in the toilet. This kept going on until I was down to 120lbs. (I was 6' 2"). I struggled with it for a few years and then I got some new meds to address it and it seemed to have vanished. Over this past summer, I chugged up to 330lbs. Without really understanding why, that feeling came back. The feeling that I needed to count my calories, that I couldn't bring myself to eat. I go a couple days without eating and then maybe go a few days eating around 800-900 calories a day. I have been struggling ever since. I am already down to 255lbs. I have gone from a 44 waist down to a 36 waist. I have puked only a few times recently and I am still working on trying to lose weight. It almost seems like some sort of an addiction. The more weight I lose, the harder it is for me to eat. When I do eat something big, I always tend to want to throw it up. It just seems that this thing came out of nowhere again. I am nowhere near a weight that would make me think that I have an eating disorder, but I just can't understand what's happening to me. I don't know if I can accept what I think could be an eating disorder. If it was, wouldn't I be thinner? Wouldn't I be underweight? I don't think that I have an eating disorder, because I still eat. I just don't eat anymore than 800-900 calories a day. I don't see it necassarily as a bad thing. I joined this community because maybe I need to hear it from someone else. If anybody can offer me insight into what they think may be going on, I would really appreciate it. I don't know if the ups and down of my illness are to blame or if I really do have some type of an eating disorder. I thank you for any replies to this post.
    Lainey_WebMD_Staff responded:
    Hi JFreak777,

    ED is having a disorder with eating. If you are eating and then making yourself vomit to get rid of the food, your answer is pretty clear. (no matter what your weight) Many people who suffer from ED are not thin and can gain weight because of the constant starvation/binging your body is holding the fats and carbs you do allow.

    Please talk to your therapist about your concerns. This community is very supportive and if you need to vent about it we are here for you.
    LoverlyLaurie responded:
    hi sweetie, i just wanted to say that i understand how hard it is admitting there is a problem, even with it staring you in the face. that is the ED talking, telling you that you can't eat and that you have to binge and purge things. reading your post just makes me want to cry. i too am "overweight" but i struggle daily with eating and what foods are "safe" to eat and what ones aren't. in reality its just my emotions and low self esteem and past traumas that make me feel i have to do this to be perfect, or beautiful, or allright.

    you are not alone. welcome to the webmd community.
    We are all in the gutter, but some of us look at the stars. -Oscar Wilde

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