I have been questioning whether or not I can truly admit if I have an eating disorder. I have been seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist for several years for schizoaffective disorder. When I was in high school I went on several different psych meds and they made me gain a lot of weight. I went up to about 225lbs. I suddenly found myself panicing over the issue. I just couldn't bring myself to eat. I would go days without eating. Then sometimes, I would be feeling better, and would go out and have a big meal. After coming home, I would start to feel guilty so I would puke in the toilet. This kept going on until I was down to 120lbs. (I was 6' 2"). I struggled with it for a few years and then I got some new meds to address it and it seemed to have vanished. Over this past summer, I chugged up to 330lbs. Without really understanding why, that feeling came back. The feeling that I needed to count my calories, that I couldn't bring myself to eat. I go a couple days without eating and then maybe go a few days eating around 800-900 calories a day. I have been struggling ever since. I am already down to 255lbs. I have gone from a 44 waist down to a 36 waist. I have puked only a few times recently and I am still working on trying to lose weight. It almost seems like some sort of an addiction. The more weight I lose, the harder it is for me to eat. When I do eat something big, I always tend to want to throw it up. It just seems that this thing came out of nowhere again. I am nowhere near a weight that would make me think that I have an eating disorder, but I just can't understand what's happening to me. I don't know if I can accept what I think could be an eating disorder. If it was, wouldn't I be thinner? Wouldn't I be underweight? I don't think that I have an eating disorder, because I still eat. I just don't eat anymore than 800-900 calories a day. I don't see it necassarily as a bad thing. I joined this community because maybe I need to hear it from someone else. If anybody can offer me insight into what they think may be going on, I would really appreciate it. I don't know if the ups and down of my illness are to blame or if I really do have some type of an eating disorder. I thank you for any replies to this post.