My ED consumes my thoughts all day long . . . The moment I wake up, I convince myself I am full and need to "punish" myself for what I ate the day before by making sure I eat less today. Finding an outfit to wear triggers more yelling in my head. All day long, I am counting possible calories in my head, trying to minimize them. I constantly deal with the comments of others about how I am going to blow away or break in two or should eat a hamburger etc - comments that make me feel so exposed and make me want to give up more than make me want to get better to stop the comments. I spend my evenings upset at myself, whether I've eaten or not, and plan how I am going to do better tomorrow. My ED takes so much time and mental energy, and I only wonder how much better of a daughter, friend, colleague, teacher, and student I could be without it -
Just when the caterpillar thought the world would end . . .
Wow- lots of what emstoy said definatley is true for me. I wake up regretting what I ate (or drank- too much wine lately) the night before. I usually try to work out first thing. Then all day long is constant meal planning. I try to make sure each meal and snack is "balanced" and for some reason, I cannot have the same food more than once in a day. (ie. I can only have one serving of cheese, one of chicken, etc.) I cant have the same thing twice. People make comments to me too. I have to pick out clothes that will hide my chest area in fear that my bones will be too prominent. I don't like wearing anything short either. (Emstoy= the comments- what are people thinking?! I would never comment on anyone's size- too skinny or too heavy! It's so rude!) By the end of the day, I usually am mad at myself for some kind of "slip up." I go to bed thinking about the meals for the next day and I sometimes dream about food! It's an awful obsession and it is so exhauting! But to eat like a "normal person" seems so foreign to me.
know what you mean. all day long its bad thought after bad thought. its domino effect. i have tried to redirect my thoughts positive thinking and my efforts fall short. i spend a lot of time secretly crying over my short comings and then feeling guilty because of what i am doing to myseelf.its nice to know i am not the only one haunted by thier thoughts
I'm lucky. I am in what I call remission... Most of the time my ed is far far from my thoughts, but when I am stressed it tends to rear it's ugly head.
Previously, my ex husband sort of knew I had an ED, but he didn't know I was killing myself with Lax. REgardless he turned a blind eye to it, telling me I had bored housewife disorder, and telling me, when I was officially underweight, that I was flabby.
My new husband is amazing, and much more empathetic and aware. Problem is that he is aware. Mainly, during the day while he is at work I avoid eating. I have loads of coffee, and sometimes a piece of fruit to settle the acid that builds up from the coffee. I do eat dinner, but I try o eat as little as I can... as said, my husband does notice this when I am these phases, so it's not soemthing I can usually get away with for very long... soemtimes I am thankful for hat, sometimes, not so much.
My Ed has been working in a cycle.Some weeks I don't want to eat anything and other weeks I want to eat everything.The weeks I splurge are the worst because of the guilt.I compare the way the guilt consumes me to the guilt I imagine a person to have that cheats on their spouse.Some days I want to dress up.You know feel pretty.Most days I want to hide in the house in my husbands baggy clothes. I have always had a consuming feeling of being invisible.I know it stems from childhood but I just cant get rid of it.These discussions have helped at least I have a place to talk about it.
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A year ago I began to limit myself to 200 calories daily, and when sometimes that was feasible, other days I would binge a great deal, and purge afterwards. I have no gag reflex but learned to manipulate my stomach muscles into pushing up food that was consumed in the binging persiods.Even though now I have a goal set to eat around 1200 calories, I eat as healthy as I can, and I have a good balance of carbs, protein, and healthy fats my habit has returned. It is more like I plan to eat bad things for me like, ice cream, pizza, cake, etc. just so I can enjoy it but right after I purge. It has become part of my daily life, and I try very hard to prevent this from happening but I become weak and go straight for the refrigerator. I stopped using artificial sugars recently, in hopes to reduce cravings; it hasn't helped much. My parents knew something was up and confronted me about it, but I lied to them saying nothing was going on. Whenever I'm alone though...I'm purging. I just want to be normal again without losing control to food!
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33 y.o. and dealing with anorexic thoughts and behaviors since I was 14-15. I've learned to numb myself from almost everything. I don't think much about eating anymore, or not eating. Maybe that sounds like heaven to some, but it's not. I try to control everything through my eating habits. I'm not in touch with my feelings, my passions, basic interested, even my marriage. My therapist is begging me (ok, she's not begging me, but she agreed to me paying 1/2 copay if I could commit to making "some movement") to face my fear of looking at ED issues. 1/2 copay sounds great, but I'm afraid I can't commit to the progress. Interestingly, my goal hasn't really been to lose weight recently. I'm not focused on the numbers; in fact I'm a bit embarrassed by how skinny I am. But I have lost weight and now my fear is "making weight" to satisfy docs, but bot gain weight because I don't want to eat. I'm trying to "work the system," but I don't really want to. Deceit is not part of my nature (although the core of me really thinks it is).
The truth is that I would give anything to stop "numbing" myself so that I could be interested in real life again. However, I'm not willing to give anything up in effort to do that.
A day in the life of a person with an eating disorder is hollow and lifeless. I wouldn't wish one on anyone.
- Wake up, get out of bed - Fall over, get out of bed again. - Get myself together enough to make it downstairs for breakfast (I live in a dormitory). - Eat a normal, healthy breakfast (800 cal maybe) because I'm so hungry and out of it (it's the only time I ever eat). - Beat myself up for the rest of the day for eating so much. - Classes/work/gym etc.
Things get pretty freaky late in the day, just because I'm so dizzy an fatigued. Keep in mind that I'm a college aged male, who's also 6' 7", so 800 calories for me is like 400 calories for the average ED sufferer.
Hi, Thatonetallguy (not sure of your actual name; I'd certainly be glad to use it, though)--
Your comment really stuck with me, and I appreciate that you were so open. I'm in grad school now and hoping to work with eating disorders, a path that I'd been considering for some time but that was made clear to me when I became very good friends with someone who revealed that she has struggled with one for several years. I'm concerned about the things you mentioned; how has school been for you this year? At the very least, wanting you to know that someone cares about you and your situation and truly hopes for the best.
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