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DeseraeSOS posted:
So, I don't know how to start this. First off, I feel completely warped in the head for my way of thinking. It's like even thought I "know" factualy it's wrong [the way i think>, It's not wrong to me..

I have a history of purging. Thing is, i'm hefty sized. I lost 50 pounds my first time around doing it. It lasted maybe 4 months. My fiance found out and threatened to leave me..it stopped the actions for a while. But it hasn't s topped the thought, or the pain i literally get every time i eat something. And because of it, I try and eat the pain away even more. So needless to say, any weight lost, i gained back. Self image has been a constant struggle for me my whole life. There's not one HOUR I don't go by wishing i looked diferent or think one bad thing about myself. I workout, i even bought a sauna suit to sweat it out, but everyday i that thought pops in my head about how easy it was just to not eat, or throw it up later. and i started again- but i still feel guilty after the purging, like i still "ate" it. And just not eating is something that floats around in my mind, and as bad as it can be I can't help but wonder if even i just did it for a period, maybe that's what I need. To go through the hard stuff to just stop with this all along because honestly, this is consuming me.
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Caprice_WebMD_Staff responded:
Hi Deserae and welcome,

I'm sorry for your need to be here but am glad you reached out.

While you're waiting for others to respond, please start considering getting yourself into therapy to help you explore and change all those negative thought patterns. It is possible to heal but it does take time and work on your part.

What you're describing sounds very exhausting. (((hugs)))
You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. ~Christopher Robin to Pooh


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