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arrrtttee posted:
I apologize for creating a topic all for myself, but I decided to finally take the plunge and address something I have been ignoring for a while now and I'm not sure what else to do. Incoming text wall:

I am a 19 year old female undergrad. As a child, I was skinny and boyish and was raised to place high value on my intelligence and kindness rather than my physical appearance. Yet as I grew older, I became socially isolated, lonely, morose and depressive. While this went on for years, I began to notice that while I was exceeding in my academics (I was able to drop out of high school two years ahead of schedule to enter into a major public university), I never really felt good in my own skin

Last year, I decided to move on campus rather that commute to classes everyday. This turned out to be a tremendous mistake. Unable to connect with my dorm-mates, I ate my meals alone in my single room, made not a single friend, and rapidly began to lose touch with reality. Making basic decisions became an effort, and I lost weight due to my inability to make clear decisions regarding leaving my desk to feed myself. After a narrowly avoided suicide attempt, I returned home. My depression seemed to lessen and my rational mind returned, yet I began to become increasingly preoccupied with my physicality.

Over the summer I chose to alter my diet, cutting out sweets and fats. I began to work out and was impressed with how I was able to shape myself to suit my ideals. I then cut out meats, then carbs and starchy foods. My weight continued to drop, but the exercise had toned my body so I figured this was natural. But once classes started up again, I had significantly less time to focus on my health as I was devoting 100% of my energy to studies. It was then that I decided to begin seriously cutting my food intake to infrequent snacks of raw fruit or veggies and black coffee. After only a month or two of this behavior, I have been hit with painful throat infections, avoided contact with those few friends I have, feel cold all the time, ceased menstruating, and have to constantly push aside thoughts that I am dying. Despite being 5 ft 7 in and dropping to 110 pounds, I weigh myself obsessively throughout the day, lift my shirt to examine my abdomen. When don't like what I see, I dig my finger nails into the skin around my navel until I fear it will bleed.

I am a smart, supposedly empowered young woman, yet I have fallen into this trap I never saw coming. I want help, but the thought of giving over the reins to someone else terrifies and shames me. Again, I apologize for the extremely self-indulgent use of space.
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Caprice_WebMD_Staff responded:
Hi Arrrtttee,

Thank you for introducing yourself to the community here. I hope that others here will be sharing their support and insight and suggestions.

Posting here was a good first step.
You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.
~Christopher Robin to Pooh
 
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Jules3696 responded:
Hi and Welcome,
Unfortunately I don't have any answers for you but I am happy to listen. I hope some others will write and provide something more, but I wanted to let you know that we care.
 
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lostkate responded:
Hi and Welcome,
Your not self-indulgent, you are looking for help, just like rest of us. You have a lot going on. I know how hard it to talk to someone about what is going on but it may help you. Right now Im going through some stuff that I dont feel right in my own skin. I had loss weight, felt really good, then all of sudden within two months I look in the mirror and the weight is back on again. I hate the way I look and feel, struggling with what to do about it.

If you dont want to go talk to a therapist, at least go for a check up make sure everything physical is ok.

I wish I had more words to help, your not alone.
Kate
 
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Gracie_Smiles responded:
I hope that you are finding the help that you need. How are you feeling these days?
~Gracie~
Celebrate each victory and forgive yourself for setbacks.
Be as nice to yourself as you are to other people!


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