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    Beating myself up again
    lostkate posted:
    I got home from work today, I started eating cheese and triscuits then moved onto M&M with peanuts, I finally stopped. Now, Im beating myself up for eating them. I know its not much I just feel like Im not going to stop. I still cant believe that in three months I gained so much weight back. Its really really bothering me. My sister said to me, you did before(losing the weight), you can do it again. Im obsessing over any food that goes into my mouth. I know why Im doing it, Ive done it before. I just feel such a failure that Im giving up trying to lose the weight, that all I do is eat and say to myself who cares. I have no one to really talk about it with, which is my fault also. On my way from work I was getting urges to cut and thinking of how I could do it, what do I have at home, where, how far, how deep, would it help. I really just want to crawl under a rock but at times want so much to try and talk about it but with Who? I dont know what to do, I dont understand why Im feeling like this.
    Caprice_WebMD_Staff responded:
    I know I'm going to sound like a broken record but... (aside from here at WebMD)... therapy therapy therapy. You need support and someone to talk to just to help you get clear on all that you're feeling.

    Re the M&Ms.... one way I control my own eating is to not have things in my home which I can't resist and aren't healthy. Sometimes I need to head things off at the pass at the grocery store.

    But I'm more concerned about your obsessing about it all. You are not a bad person because you're human. (((hugs)))
    You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.
    ~Christopher Robin to Pooh
    lostkate replied to Caprice_WebMD_Staff's response:
    The M&M were bought for Christmas, my sister asked me to pick up a tray of Chocolates at this shop near me to bring with me to her house on Christmas, I completely forgot. So last minute I picked up one of those big bags of M&M with peanuts because I knew she loved them. I even got decorative holidays bowls to put them in. Well, when I was leaving she told me take what was left home with me, she had too much in her house. Well, I did. I cant bring myself to throw them out, so I have been eating them. I dont normal have stuff like this in the house and if I do, I have better control over myself. I still have my daughters Halloween candy that I havent touched.

    You dont sound like a broken record, your are right, therapy. I did try a new therapist but feel like the words were just coming out with no feelings behind them. So I went back to my old therapist just before the holidays. She told me, she has done all she can do for me, her job is done. I feel like I have lost all hope. Ive push so many people away, just when I need them to hold on to me the most.

    I do know, deep down I should go back to therapy, I really need help with sorting all these feelings out, especially all that has come up since my therapist told me she was done with me. I dont have the strength anymore. I will get through this alone and tomorrow will be another day to possibly try.

    Thank you for all your help.
    Caprice_WebMD_Staff replied to lostkate's response:
    I hope you'll consider that new therapist if you liked her well enough. The feelings will come once you're in there regularly and talking. And even just talking about those feelings may end up helping you.

    You're never alone, not entirely, not when you're posting on these boards. (((hugs)))

    I understand about the M&Ms.
    You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.
    ~Christopher Robin to Pooh
    lostkate replied to Caprice_WebMD_Staff's response:
    I havent been on this board much, the other board you see me on has been too hard for me to read, so to be safe been staying away. I took your advice, went to see my old therapist. Even though I have issues with her, it was a very good session for me. I have no other appointment with her but that's ok too.

    Thank you, these boards dont make me feel alone as much.

    The M&M's are gone. Thank God, now if we can get the Halloween candy finished I will be very happy. There will be no buying Valentines Day candy.
    Caprice_WebMD_Staff replied to lostkate's response:
    LOL... Buy yourself some flowers instead for Valentine's.

    Glad you had a good session. And I'm glad you're taking steps to keep yourself safe.
    You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.
    ~Christopher Robin to Pooh

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