Eating Disorders Community

I used to be active on the depression forum under another name. I strongly believe that my depression and my ED are totally related though.

I am 44 years old, an active binge eater with definite bulimic urges. I have purged a few times, but in the past, my main remedy to a binge was exercising. I used to be so strong and fit, but after wrecking my knees playing soccer, I started gaining weight and it's just kept on year after year.

I now weigh about 300lbs, have diabetes, osteoarhtirits, degenerative disc disease, bone spurs, hypertension, hypothyroidism, high triglycerides, fibromyalgia, and other issues.

I am afraid for my life and my sanity. Still, I continue to binge. Now, especially because of having diabetes, I feel like I need to purge after a binge because i don't want to drive up my blood sugar and start killing my organs.

I feel like I can't exercise because I hurt all of the time. My muscles, my joints, my connective tissue, everything hurts every moment of every day and night.

I think about food and/or my body constantly. From the moment I wake up, I'm thinking, "What do we have to eat in the house? Do I have money to go to the store?"

I fluctuate between being perfect with my eating and blood sugar readings, to not testing and just eating everything in sight. I used to only binge on junk food, usually keeping a stash hidden in my house....actually in several places.....but now I will binge on regular food too like sandwiches, noodles, or whatever I have here.

I can't stand it when anyone comments on my body whether positive or negative. If someone says I look like I've lost weight, I can't get to the junk food fast enough. If a stranger on the street whispers, "moo" as they walk past me, I will binge too.

I hate eating in public because I think everyone is judging me unless I have a perfect meal....you know, baked chicken or fish, steamed veggies, that kind of stuff.

Last year I finally told my family that I have binge eating disorder. No one was surprised, really. My brother tried to get me to go on The Biggest Loser...even though I explained my pain problems, he still thought I was coping out when I said that I'd love to, but I couldn't do it.

I'm sick of being sick. Sick of hating myself. Sick of living trapped in this body with mobility problems and multiple illnesses.

I sometimes think about cutting instead of binge eating. I think I would feel better.

I want to be around to see my son get married and have kids of his own. I just don't know how to keep living the way that I am, but I seriously don't know how to be any different.

Tonight I emailed my doctor and asked her if she could refer me to the counseling center at my clinic and possibly prescribe Topiramate (Topamax) for the eating disorder.

I guess I will let you all know how it goes.