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    My 1st post in the ED community. Time to face it. Possible Trigger.
    Gracie_Smiles posted:
    I used to be active on the depression forum under another name. I strongly believe that my depression and my ED are totally related though.

    I am 44 years old, an active binge eater with definite bulimic urges. I have purged a few times, but in the past, my main remedy to a binge was exercising. I used to be so strong and fit, but after wrecking my knees playing soccer, I started gaining weight and it's just kept on year after year.

    I now weigh about 300lbs, have diabetes, osteoarhtirits, degenerative disc disease, bone spurs, hypertension, hypothyroidism, high triglycerides, fibromyalgia, and other issues.

    I am afraid for my life and my sanity. Still, I continue to binge. Now, especially because of having diabetes, I feel like I need to purge after a binge because i don't want to drive up my blood sugar and start killing my organs.

    I feel like I can't exercise because I hurt all of the time. My muscles, my joints, my connective tissue, everything hurts every moment of every day and night.

    I think about food and/or my body constantly. From the moment I wake up, I'm thinking, "What do we have to eat in the house? Do I have money to go to the store?"

    I fluctuate between being perfect with my eating and blood sugar readings, to not testing and just eating everything in sight. I used to only binge on junk food, usually keeping a stash hidden in my house....actually in several places.....but now I will binge on regular food too like sandwiches, noodles, or whatever I have here.

    I can't stand it when anyone comments on my body whether positive or negative. If someone says I look like I've lost weight, I can't get to the junk food fast enough. If a stranger on the street whispers, "moo" as they walk past me, I will binge too.

    I hate eating in public because I think everyone is judging me unless I have a perfect know, baked chicken or fish, steamed veggies, that kind of stuff.

    Last year I finally told my family that I have binge eating disorder. No one was surprised, really. My brother tried to get me to go on The Biggest Loser...even though I explained my pain problems, he still thought I was coping out when I said that I'd love to, but I couldn't do it.

    I'm sick of being sick. Sick of hating myself. Sick of living trapped in this body with mobility problems and multiple illnesses.

    I sometimes think about cutting instead of binge eating. I think I would feel better.

    I want to be around to see my son get married and have kids of his own. I just don't know how to keep living the way that I am, but I seriously don't know how to be any different.

    Tonight I emailed my doctor and asked her if she could refer me to the counseling center at my clinic and possibly prescribe Topiramate (Topamax) for the eating disorder.

    I guess I will let you all know how it goes.
    Celebrate each victory and forgive yourself for setbacks.
    Be as nice to yourself as you are to other people!
    Caprice_WebMD_Staff responded:
    Hi Gracie and welcome,

    You can start exercising VERY slowly, little by little (like five minutes to start with, something easy). Commit to just that to start with. Perhaps commit to making one change in how you eat.

    Exercise helps all of your conditions, including the pain ones, though I understand that's easier said than done. I also have weight issues and severe chronic pain and have found that regular exercise is the one thing that consistently helps the pain and the stress.

    I'm glad you're reaching out here. Have you discussed this with a doctor and are you in regular therapy?

    I'm not an expert but have found from experience and from reading these boards all these years that our need to hurt ourselves one way or another usually has deeper causes that are worth exploring.

    Please don't think about self injury. It's a road you really don't want to start down and will just be yet another issue that will require help to deal with.

    Please keep taking steps to help yourself.
    You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.
    ~Christopher Robin to Pooh
    besmith75 responded:
    I can see that you posted this a couple of months ago (as I am new to the boards), but I am bulimic as well as a self harmer. Cutting is not going to be an 'instead'. Eventually you will find yourself doing both and they will intertwine. You binge, and then out of self loathing you'll either purge or cut (or commonly, both). It's an unhealthy cycle. Work on your health. Your HEALTH. Not some jerk on the street who whispers 'moo' when you walk past. If you are strong enough to sit down at your computer and type out your are strong enough to do this.

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