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    Question from a newbie...
    besmith75 posted:
    Hello everyone! I am new to these boards. I have battled with ED most of my life in the forms of both anorexia and bulimia. My mother was 4' 11" and 90lbs. I wasn't. I was never fat...but maybe what you would call 'chunky' and back then I don't think people realized that 'teasing' your children could actually emotionally harm them. Here I am at 36 years old...and the battle is worse than ever. So, to the point: We had a potluck luncheon at work today. It was quite the spread. I am a strict vegetarian (for multiple reasons...but sickly enough it gets me out of eating in front of people) but even a vegetarian can find SOMETHING to eat at a luncheon, right? I spent over an hour with a full plate in front of me (I kept refilling me...I ate my fair share) and AS I'm eating...literally AS I'm chewing and swallowing (talking and laughing with co-workers) not only am I experiencing extreme self loathing for eating so much, all I can think of is going home to purge (which I did). Does anyone else actually plan out the purging while they are eating and having a good time? I've never really talked to anyone about my ED so I'm unsure...
    lostkate responded:
    Hi Besmith75,

    Welcome, this board has not been busy, its very quiet, not like the other board I saw you on. The weekends are usually really really quiet. Im glad to see more people joining.

    I dont plan purging because my disorder is more not eating at all. I plan out when I could eat, time of the day and how much. When I found myself out of that schedule, I stress out, I beat myself for eating but I never show it. I act like Im fine having a good time, in a happy mood but really inside Im struggling.

    More people will respond it just slow. I hope I helped in some way.
    besmith75 replied to lostkate's response:
    So do you feel like your ED and SH are intertwined?
    lostkate replied to besmith75's response:
    Yes, I do at times. Ive noticed when Im not eating, Im doing other things to harm myself, especially when Im frustrated with my life, with myself or even when Im having trouble just coping with situations.
    alideb82 responded:
    HI there,
    im new to the boards as well. i can relate. Ive battled an eating disorder since i was 16 (i'm 30 now). Despite being in recovery for some time (my last time in any kind of treatment was in 2008), i still have my moments. There are still some times ill be having a great time w/people at a meal, all the while planning the purge in my head.

    Although my behaviors are very much under control 95% of the time, the thoughts are still very much there. The self hatred, the guilt and shame of eating....i'm beginning to wonder if it ever goes away

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