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Lhand1 posted:
for me i want to be "normal" and be able to eat in front of others walk down the street and not hold my stomach or feel like everyone is staring at me. but yet at the same time i am not ready to gain any weight. i always have these thoughts in my head about what i ate or what im going to eat, then when it comes time to eat it i talk my self out of it and why i dont need that. im always in my head thinking about my weight what i ate the night b4 or just an hour b4. When i wake up i jump on the scale and no matter what it says im not happy. maybe just 1lb down. or if it goes up forget it. eatting nothing at all that day.The scale runs my life. i have tried to get rid of it but then all i have to go by is what i look like and i am never happy.trying to find something to wear 4get it. i try on like 7 diff outfits. not happy with any of them. im not comterbal in anything i wear maybe baggy sweats. i just dont know how to stop or who to ask for help or if im even ready. and i know that my thoughts are jacked up but im not sure if i even have an ED. i see some girls and i know im not as skinny as they are so i really just dont know what to do
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lostkate responded:
Hi Lhand1
Its hard to define normal, we are all different but with similar struggles in our lives. I try to hold my stomach in all the time. I try to stay off the scale, its hard to do, I even tried throwing my scale out but all I did was buy a new one. All I do is think about my weight, I had lost so much and have gain a lot of it back. Its killing me, I feel like a failure. I havent been on these boards in a long time, I just read one of my first posting, not much has changed for me.

I was seeing a therapist but has since stopped. Maybe you should look into therapy or if there are any eating disorder groups in your area. Talking here has helped me a lot. Your not alone with your thoughts.
Hope that helped a little, write more if you feel up to it.
Kate
 
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Lhand1 replied to lostkate's response:
yeah the past week i have gained some of my weight back and its killing me. its harder then i thought. i was doing good till i got on the scale.. now its bk to trying to work out all the time, cutting back on my food intake. im just so over worring all the damn time.

i have seen a therapist in the past. but she downed my father for no reason and i never went back. she told me if i dont wanna hear him hide in my room (hes in a wheel chair and cant get in there) and where i live the only groups we have for something like this is OA ( over eaters) i tried to go to one but i felt very out of place.
 
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lostkate replied to Lhand1's response:
HI
You should maybe try another therapist. I cant believe she told you to hide in your room. Sometimes you need to see a few different therapist until you found one that right for you. I still searching, have basically given up on therapy.

I see why you would feel out of place in that group. I went to a group once and really was not comfortable at all. There was a women there who was very angry and not nice to anyone. There was a nutritionist and a therapist. All the therapist did was look at the ends of her hair and play with her hair like she was bored and didnt want to be there. The nurtritionist was nice but I just couldnt bring myself to go back.

It is hard, I have been struggling a lot these past few weeks, I know if I dont start doing something besides thinking about it, all the weight will come back. Im sort of stuck right now with everything in my life. Thinking about my weight is the worse. I try to keep busy to distract myself from it but its not working. I hate the way I look.
Kate
 
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Lhand1 replied to lostkate's response:
so i went to see a doctor just for a check up things turned on my eating.. and she put me on Prozac, now she wont let me see how much i weigh she wants to weigh me backwards. sending me to some therapist that is in eating disorders... so idk i feel like in one day my life changed. i have been so stressed out. that is now on my record for any doctor to see, they are going to make me gain weight if not then get to go somewhere... ahh idk... not ready she said 130lbs is wear i should be or at lease 125... i have never been over 120 and i was only at 120 for like a week as soon as i found out it droped to like 113 and that was years ago past 2 years i have not been over 110
 
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lostkate replied to Lhand1's response:
How tall are you? How much do you weigh now? Its not healthy to be under by too much. Which I know but still try to lose weight myself. If you should get sick, being under weight can affect how well you recover.

Im really just trying to find words to help you but as I write them I know them to true for myself also, its hard to write them if I dont follow them myself. I know all the bad sides of being under weight yet I still try. I feel like a hypocrite trying to encourage you to gain the weight, which you should, we both should be at a healthy weight. Your doctor is trying to help you, take her advice, she sounds like she cares.

Im sorry I dont have the words tonight, struggling myself these days.
Kate
 
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Savana5457 replied to lostkate's response:
I know every single thing you're talking about because I am in the same boat as you. I'm unsure which eating disorder you have, but I have Bulimia. I talk myself out of keeping food down just because I feel like even an apple with put 5 pounds on me. I haven't been skinny ever, and I torture myself bc of that. I mean especially now bc it's summer, and I still don't have the body to go swimming. I know the feeling of feeling like all eyes are on you whenever you take a bite out of food. It is so painful, and it is such a hard thing. And even though I'm still struggling with it, I can relate. First, now you're beautiful NO MATTER WHAT REFECTION YOU SEE IN THE MIRROR! You're God's creation and nothing that God has ever created is ugly. Second, occupy yourself by doing a hobby. Exercising is a great way to eliminate negative thoughts! And third, seek help. You cannot fight this problem alone!!!!! You're doing a great thing right now, and keep it up!!!! YOU CAN MAKE IT!!!
 
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lostkate replied to Savana5457's response:
Thank you for the encouraging words. I try to exercise but lately Im having a hard time. I enjoy walking but its been hard to find the time.

Kate
 
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Savana5457 replied to lostkate's response:
I really do understand..Here lately I have been struggling with keeping up as well, but there is hope. And anytime!!!! I will definitely keep you in my prayers just because you can make it!!!! Hang in there girl! There is a better life in recovery
~Savana


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