Eating Disorders Community

I have been experiencing an unhealthy and odd relationship with food. I got in the habit of eating dinner only a little over a year ago because of a work schedule. I went from 130 to 112 over the year. I didn't have much of an appetite when my work schedule became more flexible so I just kept eating dinner only. When I realized I had dropped down to 112- I'm 5'6" by the way- I was surprised and alarmed. I wanted to increase my calorie intake in hopes that I would start to have an appetite during the day. I started having a really high fat milkshake every morning for about three weeks in an attempt to put weight on quickly, and to make my body get used to having calories; I gained 8 lbs. I stopped the high-fat milk shakes when I got to 118 lbs and have made myself eat baked oatmeal as a lunch for a couple of weeks and have gotten to 120 lbs. I thought I would be happy when I got to my ideal weight of 120 lbs but I'm not. I feel fat and ugly. This did not start out being about body weight or image but it is definitley careening that way quickly. I am looking for a low-fat oatmeal bake and thinking of eating it only three times a week plus a healthy dinner every night. I was happy at 118 lbs but the extra two pounds is making me have really unhealthy thinking. I never tried to starve myself before but I am having thoughts of doing so currently. This is alarming for me. My weight has varied a lot through out adulthood because some medicines I take supress my appetite while others are known to cause weight gain. I am educated about eating healthy food but lack the financial resources and time to eat healthfully, at least that's what I tell myself. I kind of feel like why spend money and time on food when I'm not hungry? After weighing in today at 120 I kind of feel like I shouldn't spend my money and time on food because it will make me fat. I've never had this kind of relationship with food. I'd really like some advice on how I could look at things differently.