First of all Seek Help and Stop using laxatives.
I know a woman who had an eating disorder. She used laxatives often. It got to the point that if she didn't use the laxatives she couldn't move her bowels. Then her colon stopped functioning and she had much pain and many issues.. Eventually she had to have her colon removed and is now on a feeding tube and must use a colostomy bag. She said her biggest wish in life was to be able to eat a big mac with her son. She will never taste food again. You don't want to do that to yourself.
You have to realize that something is wrong.. Posting here is a first step. Call your local mental health clinic or the hospital. You need help to recover from an eating disorder. It isn't easy. Your body needs food to help you heal. The brain needs food to help you think.
Why do you feel guilty for taking care of yourself? Aren't you worth something? Don't you deserve to live? Why do you feel a need to punish yourself.
If you were a mother.. Would you starve your child? Would you force your child to use laxatives? Would you punish your child like that? .. I bet you said no and were maybe even outraged that anyone would do that to a child. So.. Why are you doing that to yourself? Love your inner child. Accept your body.
Live your life to the fullest after all we only live once and it is way to short. Food is fuel. You need it. And over time.. Maybe you can learn to enjoy food again.