I'm here because I would like advice on my disorder. For several years I have worried about my weight but in the past two years it has become progressively worse. I'm 5'7 and 105, I used to be 130. My family and friends tell me daily I'm too thin and I need to eat more. I restrict food often and I spend 80% of my day, even at work, thinking about what I ate, what I'm going to eat, what I should eat, the calories in the food, and how I'm going to burn it off. I have developed a huge fear of food and get very stressed and anxious. I use laxatives aprrox. 3 times a week when I feel I have eaten too much. Food has started to make my stomach bloat and I'm not sure if this is related. My mood has started to change and I've become anti-social and depressed. I have thought recently about therapy but I fear that if I get help I will gain weight. When l look at myself I often think I look fat in certain areas and don't understand how I fit in a size 0. When I see pictures of myself I sometimes think I look too thin and unhealthy but if I try and eat more I feel guilty and just start restricting again. I feel extremely upset about all of it.
You know you are caught up this struggle. Thank you for sharing and I wish it was on better terms. You and I know that what you are doing isn't going to end well if you keep up at it. Take stock who SBee is. Who she was and what she wants to be. It is easy for us to think that if I were only a little thinner I'd be liked more or asked out more or feel better about myself. You are 105 now and most likely not happy so you may say maybe I'll be happier at 100 or 110. But will you? Love who SBee is and not what she looks like. Think of things you would like to do, experience, strive for rather then what you weigh. Sometimes it is helpful to look for role models who you can mirror or strive to be like. If you can see a therapist it might be worthwhile. Sometimes you just want to try to step out of the box and break free from the routine/rut you are in.
I totally understand the fear in gaining weight. I get that. I really do. Our bodies need nutrition to exist on and more so to really live. You are depriving yourself of the energy needed to be social, to be confident, to be who SBee is. See a physician and ask HIM/HER to give you a realistic weight to be at. Think of that as a goal. I know I get weird if my weight gets too low. On the same note I get pangs of fright if it gets too high. Right now you do not have a weight that you are confident in. Have a professional give you that. And work towards that. Have that as a goal. You needn't gain or lose it in a week but have ha as a number you want to get to.
Be at peace with yourself SBee. The world is yours.
First of all Seek Help and Stop using laxatives. I know a woman who had an eating disorder. She used laxatives often. It got to the point that if she didn't use the laxatives she couldn't move her bowels. Then her colon stopped functioning and she had much pain and many issues.. Eventually she had to have her colon removed and is now on a feeding tube and must use a colostomy bag. She said her biggest wish in life was to be able to eat a big mac with her son. She will never taste food again. You don't want to do that to yourself. You have to realize that something is wrong.. Posting here is a first step. Call your local mental health clinic or the hospital. You need help to recover from an eating disorder. It isn't easy. Your body needs food to help you heal. The brain needs food to help you think. Why do you feel guilty for taking care of yourself? Aren't you worth something? Don't you deserve to live? Why do you feel a need to punish yourself. If you were a mother.. Would you starve your child? Would you force your child to use laxatives? Would you punish your child like that? .. I bet you said no and were maybe even outraged that anyone would do that to a child. So.. Why are you doing that to yourself? Love your inner child. Accept your body. Live your life to the fullest after all we only live once and it is way to short. Food is fuel. You need it. And over time.. Maybe you can learn to enjoy food again.
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