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Tired of focusing on weight
An_251590 posted:
I've struggled with bulimia as a teenager and throughout my adult life. I'm almost 40 now and I'm tired. Tired of always counting my calories, tired of binge crazed weekends where I let loose and stuff my face like there's no tomorrow. Tired of the same old vicious cycle and thoughts such as " I've been good all week" , counting calories, staying under 1100 calories a day, working out every day, only to wake up every Monday morning realizing I did it again by eating more than enough calories to make up for what I was deprived all week. Then I find myself in the same spot, same weight, feeling down and depressed on Monday, and forcing myself to "be good" all over again, all week.
I read the article in Web MD under the risk factors for bulimia. I was sexually, physically, and emotionally abused as a child. I think after I purge I feel a sense of relief; that at least that part of my life is over. I feel I have some kind of control in my life when I count calories everyday. It's frustrating.
Because I'm having difficulty coping with what's happened in the past,it directly affects my marriage in that I don't communicate feelings well. For example, I feel out of control when I'm with my husband on a walk or just out, and he looks at another woman, especially one who'se attractive or has large breasts. Whether he looks at them intentionally or nonintentionally, I become very angry and feel very embarrased to be anywhere near or around him. I'm mad at him, the stranger- women, and the situation. I feel that it's wrong, it hurt's me. He is mostly patient and understanding but sometimes he says my anger belongs to the one who abused me not him however when I've scolded him for looking at other women with large breasts and or tight fitting provocative clothing, he refuses to acknowledge it and I get even more upset. I feel like my marriage will be ruined one day due to my inability to cope positively and quite frankly, I don't have any patience for his "looking".
Today, I've made up my mind on not eating more than 550 calories because I ate about 2,000 calories yesterday. I need to feel in control but I don't know where to begin. I'm tired of focusing on my weight. I'd like to redirect my thoughts and create more of a balance.
momagain2011 responded:
Reading your post was like reading my diary. I am 36 and I suffer with anorexia and bulimia. I have suffered every day for 7 yrs. I hate this , it consumes my life. I do not eat more then 1000 calories a day, and there are days I cant stop eating, I will eat so much my stomach bloats then I am disgusted with myself so I go vomit. I weigh myself at least 4 times a day. I will measure my waist every morning and every night. I am so mad last summer I weighed 102 and now I weigh 103 and that makes me sick. I am 5'1 and where a size 1 and I hate looking at myself in the mirror, I see fat and nasty and think of all the lipo I need. Then when I see a picture of myself, I cry because I look so sick and skinny. I am a single mom to 3 amazing kids and I dont want them to suffer from this. I work full time and go to school, I feel like I have no control of anything but my calories. I wish I had the answer for you, but I need it too!

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