Venting...kind of long
avatar
amyrmca posted:
This is a rant. I'm so mad at that woman I could scream. I saw him this weekend and things were great. His mother upset him because she decided to talk to him and I like a dog. I didn't say anything to him or her about it as I didn't want to cause any problems. I just went on and pretended I was okay, even though I was fuming mad. Later, she asks him to do something for her, which he does and then she gets mad because he didn't do it fast enough, by this time I was so mad at her I couldn't stand it. So I went and played on the computer for a little bit to calm myself down. Then I go back in the room and she starts telling me that I need to tread lightly with him because he is quiet which means he is going to have a seizure.She is that way with anything when it comes to him. For instance, if he blinks to much he is or is going to have a seizure. If he is in a bad mood, he's going to have a seizure. If he talks to much he is going to have a seizure. I'm sure some of you think I"m being a drama queen when I say that but I'm seizure. She told me once that he was talking a lot, which she said isn't like him so he would have a seizure that night.
That evening I ask him if he is okay and if he needs anything. He wants to know why and I told him I was just checking. Sunday night I went home and she calls me Monday morning telling me that she doesn't know what I did but he had a seizure and she told me to tread lightly and stop telling him about my day and asking him questions about the wedding.I hung up so mad I couldn't think.
He told me that she told him she didn't want us to get married because she didn't want to lose him and that I wouldn't take care of him well.
How am I supposed to take care of him when she is constantly on my back about stuff?!!!?
I understand she is worried. I understand she's been with him since day one. I get she's seen the seizures more that I have. I get that she's sat with him in the hospital. I get all of that. And I can't imagine what it is like for her or any parent to know that your child has seizures and could possible hurt himself. I can't imagine. I can't imagine having seizure. I can't imagine losing blocks of time. I can't know what it is like to have to take meds all the time just so you don't have a seizure. I can't know what it is like to have to remind your child to do this. Or to lose sleep because you never know if your child is okay.
I get where she is coming from in a way. I get she is worried. I do. I don't want to trivialize her time and heartache and such. I don't mean to. I know it is hard on her to watch her child hurt. I can't imagine.
BUT he is my husband in 58 days. Yes, in 58 days he will be my husband and I wish she'd grow up and stop blaming me. I'm truly trying to learn about epilepsy and seizures. I've read more articles about it than I can even count. I've posted more posts on sites like these trying to learn. I've asked questions until I'm blue in the face. I've got more community groups than I've ever had before. I'm trying!!!!! And I wish she'd back off me and him. I wish she'd stop blaming me. I wish she'd stop treating him like a dog and a 5 year old. I wish she'd back off and give me some credit for even trying to learn. I know a lot of people who wouldn't even try. So wish she'd back off.
Reply
 
avatar
dancer86442 responded:
Hello Amy,

I feel for you! Thank You for taking the time to let us know how you are doing. As for your future MIL. Well, I wasn't good enough for my first MIL, either. I learned to 'tune her out' & just face the fact, "We weren't ever going to get along." Or agree about anything concerning her son. I was only married to him for a 1 1/2 yrs. Had a Daughter by him. MIL told my daughter, when she was in her 30's, that I was the best thing that had happened to her son. She regretted treating me so shabby. I think I told you all this B4. Sorry if I am 'repeating'.

Amy, no matter What she says, you are just gonna Have To Turn a Deaf Ear to it. When you have kids of your own, you will understand her 'protectiveness'. Although I admit she is a Bit Extreme! I doubt if his getting married will make much difference.

I know you have been doing great! Doing your Homework. So, just go by what you have learned & 'Hang in There!' Quit worrying about what Mom Thinks/Says!. Go by what your Future Hubby Thinks/Says!. He Obviously Loves You, but, has been unable to cut Mom's apron strings, Yet. Time & Patience! It will happen! What you have told us, well, I seriously doubt her attitude is gonna change anytime soon. So, get Mad. And Rant to us if it helps. But, Try, Please, to ignore her whenever possible. She isn't worth your angst.

To me, she sounds Scared! Of losing her son. Typical response of some 'dominating' Mom's. Or She is one of them Mom's who thinks her kid is too good for Anyone. It ain't just You!

What about his friends? Does she do them the same way?

Your Wedding Day is getting Closer. Concentrate on doing what You have to do to prepare. Leave the rest up to Future Hubby. Remember 'Love Conquers All!' Including wicked MIL's. Hugs!

Rant Anytime. I'm listening.

Love Candi
 
avatar
amyrmca replied to dancer86442's response:
Thanks! Well according to her no one has ever been a true friend or a good girlfriend and it seems as if she has ran most of them off. Granted one or two may have left on their own but I think for the most part she ran the others off. Also the way I take it she is used to running things. I have been told by several she isn't used to letting go of anything.

I do really good at ignoring her until she texts or calls me directly and that is usually when she does her bullying stuff.

I'm trying very hard not to let her get to me but it is so much easier said than done.

Thanks for the advice and input. It is very much appreciated.

I do have to admit I did feel better after I posted this. Lol.
 
avatar
clarinet2 replied to amyrmca's response:
Amy,
It is good to vent and get the frustrations out. As Candi said you may have to turn your hearing off and try to ignore the moaning and groaning and consider the source.

This will be a learning experience for both of you and once you are together as husband and wife you can take a break away from the mother in law and have some freedom.

It may take time and patience to get through this confusion, but in the long run your life is just beginning together. I am so proud of you with your research and questions you have to learn more about seizures.

Dana
 
avatar
saxofone1 responded:
Hi amy,

Thanks for checking in with us. You are a strong person who has already handled much...too much in regards to your soon-to-be mother-in-law.

I think she's very jealous of you. She sounds like she is afraid to let someone else in her son's life since she likes to call the shots. She seems to be afraid to let him "grow up." When that happens she is going to lose whatever hold she now has on him.

Throwing the blame on you for his seizures is totally childish. Possibly she's trying to convince him that you're not going to be able to take care of him. Totally stupid!!!!

Your fiance is comfortable and happy with you and that is driving her crazy.

Have you and your fiance had the chance to talk about all this? Just the two of you, away from "the boss".

If the only reason his mom calls you is to blame you, think about not answering her call. I understand that you might be concerned that one of her calls might be an emergency call regarding your fiance.

In addition to what dana and Candi have said, I can only add that you cont to do as you're doing now. Learn what you can about ep. You do not deserve to be treated this way by his mother or anyone else. We're in your corner.

Do your best to concentrate on your wedding plans. You seem to be an exceptional and loving person who should have a beautiful day.

Do not let her take away you and your fiance's happiness. Possibly she did scare the others away but you sound like a fighter who is going down for the count.

Thanks for sharing with us. Rant when you need to.
angie
 
avatar
amyrmca replied to clarinet2's response:
You are right it is very much a learning experience for me. I think once we get away as you said things will lighten up. I'm learning to be deaf around her. Thanks for the advice.
 
avatar
amyrmca replied to saxofone1's response:
Thank you for the kind words. Yes, I'm trying to stick to my guns so to speak but that is hard sometimes. We have talked about it. He reassures me that he is okay, that we are ok and that it's not me, which helps.

I have gotten to the point where I don't answer the phone or text messages. My biggest concern with not answering now is that I'm worried it may be an emergency regarding my fianc?. But I try not to answer usually.

I have read a lot on ep and am learning a lot. I don't know if it is a control thing or if it's embarrassment or both but she very rarely talks about it and if she does she is overly dramatic.

Thanks again for the advice.
 
avatar
saxofone1 replied to amyrmca's response:
Hi amy,

Listen to your fiance. He is going to tell you when something is wrong or doesn't feel right in regards to his ep. He knows more than his mother/family give him credit for.

Are you on emergency contact for him? If you are his contact, then you will be notified by any doctors should there be the need to. Think about it and discuss it with him, not your soon-to -be mother-in-law. What you have shared with us, she will probably try to block such action. When you become his wife you should have some say about how to handle his medical concerns. Right now I'm thinking logically. Talk with his doctor about you becoming the priority contact. or that your fiance requests that you are always contacted. State that no one can remove you as an emergency contact but your fiance or yourself.

It's great that you're learning a lot. There is always something new to learn, even for us who have lived with it or those who are the specialists. No one will learn it all. That is why we have each other.

Does he wear the medic alert bracelet or carry the card? Not the ones that are sold over the counter but the official medic alert(www.medicalert.com )

The fact that you are reaching out for help is a step towards the confines that his mother wants to hold over the two of you. The more you learn, the looser her grip will be. That probably scares her too.

Remember, you have stayed by his side. Not many have the nerves or the heart to do as you're doing. None of his seizures are your fault. Love does not create problems.

Thank you for staying by his side. Continue to ask and learn.

angie