Erectile Dysfunction Community

This is a relationship issue, not a physical issue. It is kind that you want to respect the difference between your partner's libido and your own. But exhausting your body so it has no energy left to feed your libido is a very poor way to accommodate the differences. You would benefit from relationship counseling or more communication with your spouse about both your feelings on the subject. Stay away from anything designed to alter your libido, they're either crocks or dangerous. For the time being, try some "self-amusement" when you have strong urges.

Thanks for the advice but I have some problems with it: I don't see any benefit in discussing this with my wife or having counseling for it because this would make me think that she is only having sex with me out of some sense of duty or obligation - if it's going to be a chore for her I want nothing to do with it! Right now at least I can accept her low interest as honest but I may mistrust any change in her libido if it relates to some conversations we may have. She once asked me (a few years ago) if she was being neglegient in her "wifely duties" - naturally I said no! If she sees sex with me as a "wifely duty" then I'd rather not. The other problem is the "self-amusement" suggestion. I am 40 - how do you think I've survived this long! The problem is that my wife will not accept this - she will not accept me doing it. I therefor have to be secretive about it - and I have very very few opportunities - we have a young son and live in a small house. Aside from that, it's at best a tension release but it's not really satisfying. I enjoy it but it's no substitute.

I'd love to see some more advice or suggestions. Even if chemically reducing my libido is not possible are there some other ways I can reduce my desire? A different way of looking at it perhaps? Hypnosis? Please don't suggest religion. Thanks.

Kelvin, that's precisely why you need a counselor. You are making assumptions about things that aren't true, simply because you don't have the experience to know what you don't know. No one is going to tell your wife to "do her duty." We're not in the 1950's here.

No, there's nothing going to change your libido except physical exhaustion, which is not going to be doing good things for your body.

If you can't talk about the basics with your wife, then you can really benefit from some outside help. Just because you talk about it does NOT mean you're trying to get your way, make her feel guilty, or say she's done something wrong. It may be difficult to imagine how the situation could be resolved, but apparently she's not talking to you either, so you can't even begin to understand why her libido is at the level it is. It may have nothing to do with you, and there's some outside influence that is cramping her desire, that might be easily resolved. You just don't know. That's why you must talk about it. Suffering in silence, however noble you think it is, creates unconscious resentment, which will only make things worse over time. Give her the credit for being an adult and capable of understanding.

Kelvin, this is precisely what the case is with me. While reading your message I felt as if someone has written my story. I am 37 years old with same response from my wife. In my case I have already spoken with my wife and there is positive response from her side. I don't want to press her more.

If you find any solution please let me know. I appreciate.

In the same boat here. I suppose counseling might work. I've tried myself to gently discuss in a non-judgmental way, tried ignoring it, tried making things less stressful for her, hoping that would spark some interest. She has none whatsoever. It's ALWAYS up to me to get things going and most of the time it's unsuccessful, leaving me more frustrated. When it does happen, it's average at best, with no enthusiasm at all. "Whatever you want to do" is something I hear a lot. Wow, what an endorsement. I get accused of being grumpy and therefore she's not interested, which is really a chicken-or-the-egg kind of thing. She claims I make her feel "guilty" about it if I bring it up, even peripherally. Or get told I'm putting too much importance on it. I really am not trying to, just trying to explain my needs, so what should I do...shut up about it and let the tension build...then I get accused of being "grumpy" all the time, which brings us full circle. I think I'm fairly cheerful for someone who is only having sex around 12-15 times a year at best!

I should mention that I am not a fat, lazy slob who sits around doing nothing but watching TV and slamming beers. I take care of myself to look good for her (which is apparently a waste of time) and try to help as much as I can around the house so she's not doing everything, but it's never enough...there is always some reason or excuse.

I was hoping there was some sort of chemical treatment myself that would involve female hormones, but apparently not. Tamoxfen? Side effects on this?

Tamoxifen is a cancer drug that acts on estrogen. It is not going to change your libido, and it has some pretty dangerous side effects.

Counseling. I'll say it again, counseling.

Many couples suffer from a distinct difference in level of sex drive. It's a large portion of what leads to break-ups and divorce. And it's one of those compatibility issues that couples rarely sort out before getting into a relationship, not realizing just how stressful it is. The most useful solution to this has always been relationship counseling. The attempt for one partner to adjust (because of guilt or through persuasion) is a reinforcement of the obvious difference, actually making the situation worse, not better.

If you reduce your drive, you're now putting her in a position where she's demanded sacrifice. If she increases her responsiveness, she's putting herself in a position where you've demanded sacrifice. You may love each other, but this is not something most couples are ever able to resolve successfully on their own.

There is no drug therapy for it. And you should not even consider that. If either of you is unwilling to see a relationship counselor, that is another indication that your relationship does not hold the same value for each of you, and another step on the path to break-up.

This question really isn't about urology, because it's not a physical issue.

There are HUGE numbers of men in this situation. Counterso, telling them to jack off more and seek counseling is just not helpful.... Why can't you understand that? Perhaps it is not a physical issue. So what? This request pops up here often and you always give the same lame and useless advice. Do you really, truly think that things magically stay the same through 10, 20, 30 + years of marriage? Quit telling people they should have discussed this before they got married! These guys love their wives. They do not want pity sex. They see their sexless wives as quite content and get to thinking perhaps, just perhaps, the women have the best end of the deal..... Why not join them? I see you cannot understand that, but perhaps YOU should try to accept it and be more compassionate? As far as real advice? I was in this same boat. Guys, there is an option. Go to www.reuniting.info. This has made a huge huge positive improvement in my marriage!

The point Counterso is making that there are options out there for help. It's not needed for someone to do that to themselves. It's good that these men love their wives, but to do something such as drop your sex drive to nil is wont help the relationship. There has to be some type of middle ground you and your partner can reach without causing major sacrifices on both ends, such as killing off your sex drive. That is where counseling comes into play. Not to drop a guilt trip on your partner but if your wife loves you and respects your feelings then they shouldnt want you to do that to yourself. Most relationships fail do to lack of communication. Dont give up.

Just because you don't like the answer does not make it wrong. People do a lot of things they shouldn't do because they make a conscious decision to compromise. Compromise is not necessarily the thing that is "right" to do, even if we elect to compromise.

What you're saying is that you don't want to do the "right" thing, you want to compromise because of other considerations. Sorry, but you're going to remain unhappy with compromise, and that's your choice. The "fix" is a path that you have elected not to follow. That's your choice, but it doesn't make either of us wrong.

I agree there are options out there to help. Finding the right ones are key! Counterso is no help in that area. Masturbation only worsens the scenario for him to advise this is just wrong!

What middle ground do you propose?

If you can devise a therapy to turn non sexual people into sexual people, you could make a LOT of money. Don't see that anyone has performed that miracle yet. Sorry, but as best I can see, therapy is good for fixing bad habits. Not worth a damn for fixing problems at the core. The cognitive brain may know one thing, but try getting the primitive brain to listen....

A wife getting her husband off by using her hands, or oral sex, is not "pity sex" and if one thinks it is, that only underscores the need for counseling. It is all about communication, and that is usually the primary focus of counseling. Mates often have different sex drives. "One-way" sex that gets the husband off is fine, as long as it is recognized as just that. If your mate has a back ache that can be relieved by you massaging it, wouldn't you do it? Would you always require a back massage in return? I would hope not. "One-way" sex does not preclude the couple from also having mutually satisfying sex when both are in the mood. If one is never in the mood, time for counseling to get to the bottom of the issue and work out a loving solution. Masturbation may also help to ease the situation.

There is at least one instance where "pity sex" is wrong and that is the situation I am in. Sex is a two way street and if I am not able to satisfy my woman then it serves no purpouse for me. It turns in to "voluntary" rape, which makes for an unbearable guilt afterwards. My wife give me this "pity sex" within varying intervalls and my libido makes me unable to decline, but it only fuel my non-diagnosed depression as soon as the release wear off.