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Diabetes and ED
verysadwife posted:
My husband has type 2 diabetes and has had erectile disfunction for about 9 years. Instead of discussing this with me he kept me literally at arms length and we started to sleep in separate rooms. I have been very sad about this and was brave enough to bring this up with the doctor when we had a joint appointment. My husband was furious and still won't discuss it. I know his condition could be improved if he looked after his physical health better but he doesn't seem to want to. I am so sad and don't know what to do next - he has started being a bit more affectionate towards me, at least I get the occasional hug now, but I want more. Any suggestions?
An_200227 responded:
I can feel your pain. My husbad has had ED for 11 yrs because of type 2 diabetes that he didn't take care of much the first few years. We've tried everything, even injections & nothing has worked yet. He had gastric bypass & has lost over 100lbs is looks & feels better, but i don't think it has made a "significant" difference with the E.D. Although he wants to give it a try again, I am reluctant because if he fails, he gets upset & ashamed and hopeless again. I just recently heard that they can do a doppler or sonigram to see the blood flow. Maybe approaching a better doctor now might help. I also heard a daily low dose of medication might help. We are just opening the lines of communication again.
My advice would be to pursue trying to fix it instead of suffering in silence. I often feel resentful that I will be sexless so young, all because HE didn't take care of himself right away. Good luck.
Sheldon Marks, MD responded:
This is a very common problem, especially with diabetic men. I hear all the time about men having ED and the wives getting the silent treatment- if we don't talk about it then it is not a problem kind of thing. This is tough. You might consider talking to his endocrinologist "off the record" or maybe even confronting your husband face-to-face and tell him you would like to talk about improving your relationship, specifically sex- and with the new meds and new treatments, it is fun and safe! The meds can be when needed or a low dose on a daily basis.
verysadwife replied to Sheldon Marks, MD's response:
I don't think my husband has an endocrinologist - I only have our local GP to talk to (I'm in the UK) and she has advised to 'wait and see'. I can't think this is the right thing to do - I have been waiting for 9 years and am now 64, perhaps if I wait much longer neither of us will feel like sex. My husband completely freezes if I try to talk about sex and then gets angry. I know this is a defence mechanism - but I am not being accusatory, just would like the joyful relationship we used to share. He says he is just not interested and it's my problem and not his. I feel the most dreadful loneliness within our relationships and just don't know how to tackle the problem.
verysadwife replied to verysadwife's response:
I would appreciate a reply from Dr Sheldon Marks. How can I get a husband who totally freezes up and will not talk about sex to try and get some help? He has just shut it out of his life and thinks the lack of sex is just my problem. Well, it is a problem for me and taking a lover is not really the answer - I would feel guilty and if he found out our marriage would be over.
Caprice_WebMD_Staff replied to verysadwife's response:
Hi Verysadwife,

Dr. Marks looks in here about once a week and answers as he can (he volunteers his time here).

In the meantime, and as this is as much a relationship issue as a physical one, I encourage you to post on our Sex and Relationships Exchange . (((hugs)))
Sheldon Marks, MD replied to verysadwife's response:
You have a very difficult situation. Unfortunately, without your husband's involvement you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. And having a doctor that doesn't understand or care makes it even worse. Perhaps you should talk to your primary care doctor about getting a referral to a psychologist to help you deal with your husband's refusal to deal with the problem. After all, it is couple problem and his denial is not healthy or smart. Perhaps others on this forum have some ideas. Treatments are very effective. Of course, he is afraid of failure, but you need to let him know you have needs to.

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