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erectile dysfunction after divorce
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An_200387 posted:
3 months ago i suffered a very traumatic divorce. my wife of 14 years had a 3 yr affair on me and took me for 3/4 0f a million dollars and my mortgagefree home and my 2 young daughters. i quickly met a good lady and things were going well until the finalization of my divorce. then i was thrown in to a depression and i started having arousal issues and complete loss of libido, even when alone. and even with viagra and the like.... and of course this is a self fullfilling nightmare... the more i think about it the more it doesnt work.... the more anxious i get about the thought of intamacy the more my heart races with fear of failure... etc...

I don't get it.... i am 35 185 lbs. very healthy and fit. i jog and exercize regularly... i had my t level checked and it was at 325. low normal i am told. i was in the midst of a very bad week of depression at the time. it was suggested i get on anti depressants and not test by my gp. i refused because i didnt want to be reliant on an anti depressant and was already having sexual issues and of which seem to be the major trigger for my current anxiety and depression. i have now started test therapy as suggested by my urologist who says it is all in my head which is why the viagra isnt working and that i am deporessed. i tell them all i am depressed because my penis feels numb and i cant even have sexual thoughts!. and i am of course afraid that this will never pass, or improve.. I suppose the flight or flight i live in will cancel out all libido... which i have none of at the moment , even on testosterone!! which has me further anxious, plus it is very expensive and time consuming and difficult to manage correctly with estrogen, etc..and i do not want to be on something like this for the rest of my life, when i feel no benefits from it at the monet. . and so i have decided to stop the hrt as i am feeling no effect other than a possible placebo effect the first 4 days of gel therapy before switching to injections when i felt the gel wasnt working any longer. i have only taken 250 mg of the test cyp and have felt absolutely no difference what so ever menatlly aside from a huge increase in anxiety and depression since the shot! .and so I have decided to address my depression instead with welbutrin, which I read may very well increse my missing sexual thoughts and libido (i pray!), and rid me of the fear and dread and depressiuon which comes every few weeks in a severe manner (BASICALLY EVERYTIME i SEE MY KIDS OR OLD HOME AND OR EXWIFE OR FAIL TO ACHIEVE AN ERERECTION FOR A VERY BEAUTIFUUL YOUNG LADY) i basically dont know if it is a physical problem or the depression and a mental problem as well. i am just at my ropes end and feel damn basically suicidal at the thought of living like this the rest of my life!!!
so please!! If there is a MD /DO that can knowledgably respond please help!!!! I need solid truthful advice. At this point i would love to rely on viagra or cialis or levitra if they would work.... but for some reson they arent at the moment... ( Why???!!! what should i address? test/ depression? anxiety?something more physical??

ps: i have basically pushed the girlfriend away because the whole thing was stressing me out even further every night with the anticipation of sex and possible failure and absolutely no sexual thoughts in my head for weeks even on testosterone) Sad to say, because she is an awesome woman..

Thanks!

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anyone deal with this scenario? what worked??
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harry911 responded:
I can really relate to this. My wife of almost 20 years divorced me. I had no clue as to why. Still dont. I should have probably gotten therapy. Because when I tried to move on I felt like a total failure. Insecure. Less of a man. I really loved her and had no idea what was happening. When I finally did move on. I found my ability to perform had changed. It came and went. Talking about it made it worse mainly because there was no reason for the divorce. I was faithful. Loved my family to death. Worked a lot. But 7 years later it still remained. Starting a relationship is hard when you cant mentaly ever get past that kind of pain. But finally i can't tale the loneliness any more. What I found was this. Sure Viagra works sometimes. Sometimes not so well. But I found that mainly I had to find my zest to live again and push past all that mental crap. I think real men who have compassion in there nature have a harder time with this because sex to them is a way to really show how much they loved there wives. Now that's saying something. Don't let yourself be ruled by what you deem as a failure. You are changed. Yes. But, you are still a man who has life to live. It's not your fault someone else made a poor choice. Devistating as it was. Damaging as it it. Take back your life. Embrace your children. Never talk bad of anyone. They can see what happened. You can have a life. Because 7 years later I still had problems with ED. Nothing medically wrong. But after I dealt with the mental issues and started to live again those problems started to dissapear. They still happen from time to time. Usually when I'm feeling down or insecure. But once you realize you can embrace life and put all the negative past behind you you will feel better. Sex. Such a wonderful gift but it isn't all of who you are. Go slow. Take your time to find yourself, live life, laugh. It will take time. That part really stinks. I never understood how fast people could jump back into a relationship after such a tragedy as divorce. Maybe they have no conscious thought about what it does to the ones they hurt. But I can. I see it daily. But realizing you are better than most helps. ED docent mean your less of a man in my opinion it means your more of one. Your healing. Healing takes time. People change. You change. I don't think we've become better because of it or stronger. That's a bunch of whooy. Made up by people who can't understand or just want to make you feel better. You are already a better man because of how and why you feel the way you do. Sorry to go on and on but we men don't usually address emotional issues like this. Everything is hush hush. A sign of weakness if we do. But I don't think we are weak. I think it is an awesome character trait you should be proud of. Once you see it you feel better. And if you need a little help like therapy or Viagra you shouldn't be ashamed of it. Eventually you won't need rather. Hopefully anyway. Good luck. And wish me luck. There is a life to live and I'm to young to be sitting alone sipping coffee and watching the news alone.
 
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An_241957 responded:
I can't tell you how similar this all sounds. I loved my wife very much. Meant the world to me. Then one day I found out she was having an affair. That was it. All of a sudden. The day she left was the same day my sex drive / libido completely vanished overnight. That was several years ago now and its still no different. Sex just doesn't even really interest me anymore, which i still find to be bizarre and horribly frustrating, because like most guys, until that day it was something I thought about and desired all the time! I've tried ED meds and they do occasionally work really well, but not always. And my erection seems completely tied to my mood now, something that was never the case before, even if I was depressed. It was always an automatic response. Depression and sex never had a connection. No longer... Sometimes its great. Sometimes Its not. Sometimes its nowhere to be found. I've been tested and physically everything is good. I'm healthy and fit and women are attracted to me. I still find myself attracted to women but it's different now. Like a part is missing. Every once in awhile ill briefly feel that old familiar rush of sexual endorphins when im near a women that interests me, but it generally goes away far too soon. I can never recreate the right conditions because there doesnt seem to be any sort of pattern that I can discern other than me being In a good mood and living in the moment. And usually some alcohol involved. To be fair, as much as I blocked out everything I could with my ex and would like to think I'm past it all, she shows up in my dreams on a regular basis, so apparently that is not the case. I apparently have issues that i still need to work through, even though I feel pretty confident in myself and in who I am. I think the other poster has the right idea. Moving on and living life. Picking yourself up and trying something completely new. Finding somene new who you can feel comfortable with. It's all you can do and the only real cure to this whole strange mess. Hopefully...

My doc also prescribed Wellbutrin. Didn't do much for me.
 
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Tanklizard responded:
Wow, you had 3/4 of a million dollars!!!
 
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Anon_163802 replied to harry911's response:
IMHO woman who get divorced have already decided before they marry that it is an option. They leave that door open and have pretty much decided they will one day walk through it. I'm not talking about those who end up in an abusive marriage. That is completely different. I was married to a woman who, when we parted ways said she has always thought it was a temporary thing, meaning our marriage. At least she was honest enough after the fact and didn't leave me wondering what went wrong. I still suffered for years because of her decision and yes it still effects me to this day. I don't trust most women and am still single because I am fearful that the same thing will happen. I have friends who have been married for years to great women, so I know not all are like this. And I do think there is a connection between a bad experience and sexual performance. Pills work, but at my age I shouldn't have to rely on that stuff.
 
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JPP1970 responded:
I had a similar situation. Extremely easy solution, Anti depressants (Paxil 10mg) for 6 months and thats all it took. I tried for 4-6 months therapy and other non-medication treatments but no luck. The anticipation of sex was too much. The first day I took my pill, my erections came back and have not looked back ever since.
 
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slixer responded:
Faced almost identical circumstances as you did in your divorce.. With 4 beautiful children I was divorced from my wife of twelve years. After thirty years of crap from our so called dignified, and honorable court sytem, nothing has changed for the better. Like you my experince with erectile disfunction began the minute we went to court. I never recovered from it, it`s been thirty years. I tried eveything, nothing helped. Every situation has it`s difference`s. I hope you don`t have to endure the same. You are to be commended for writing about it, this is a first for me to ever hear of someone having the same problem I have after divorce.

Thanks for sharing!
 
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nohard responded:
OK I'm not any kind of professional, to me this sounds like you just cant let go, I know this was a very great loss, but as we go through life s**t happens, I know you need to see your kids but you need to have them brought to you, by an outsider to a new lpace that is now yours, and this should be your only contact with your past, and I think this may be your only way forward.
You need to restart your life, try getting off drugs for a time, clean your body out of them and start afreash, this next bit may seem hard, but try not seeing your kids for a whole year, reason if you could clear your brain with the knowledge that at a date you will see them it may help, this way you will have a whole year to restart your life, your love life and hopfully your sex life.
Then thats just an idea, Good Luck.
 
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nohard replied to nohard's response:
OK I'm back with a footnote, when we are young we are always told that our lives are lead (men that is) by the littlehead, and for some of us that stays a fact, I think you problem or one of them is that you are leading by your big head with all its thoughts and some of them bad ones.
Now as we know its our brains that control our lives, so if our brains are leading our lives then they probably control our levals of hormons and can push them down, so if we go back to younger days and start letting our smallheads lead for a change, then perhaps it will push up our hormons back up, its a bit like watching porn, it will push up our hormons and hey presto we have lift off and a big erection.
But at the back of my mind you and a couple of guys here need to just let go, restart your lives, they always say we need to get away from our troubles, there are times in our lives when we lose things that mean so much to us, it breaks our hearts, but life must go on, so come on you guys let go and restart your lives.
Good luck.
 
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tammyhiles responded:
I know a man who had this problem 7 years after his divorce. He met someone special after 7 years and still couldn't manage. He went to see his GP who prescribed viagra. He only had 1 lot, it worked and boosted his confidence so he doesn't need them now. Here is a statistics which show how many men have ED .
 
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J_ak_e responded:
I was blindsided when I found out about my wife of 5 years (together for ten) and with whom i have one sone with had been cheating on and off our whole relationship it was so devastating that I literally could not sleep at night I need up loosing about 35lbs and in the first month I got myself into counseling and that helped me throughout the leaving process but at 27 years of age could not get erect at all for two months. Up until this point I had never experienced not becoming fully erect on Que before. I would go out have no problem talking to women but when it came to intimacy it was embarrassing and extremely frustrating. I ended up dating the woman I am with currently with a woman that i love and am very attracted to and I still have erectile issue two years later. It is humiliating and frustrating for my lady going soft or being not fully erect. I would say I am not depressed but I do still have issues with my ex she uses my son to get at me witch is my #1 stressor. I find my self thinking about my Ed issues during and that is distracting I it's self. But on the bright side and the main reason I am righting this, I found that my issue has lead to me taking care of my lady a lot more than in past relationships and that has been very much appreciated. And that appreciation does not feel like failure and definitely helps me feel better about my self and performance.


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