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psychological ED
tcwind posted:
I have been dealing with moderate ED for over 2 years. I'm about 95% sure it's psychological. My question is, how do I explain that to my wife without hurting her?

For the first 10 years of our marriage she avoided sex (she admitted it) except when we were trying to conceive. I came to a point where I gave up (May of 2000, a day of infamy in our marriage). From then till about 3 years ago we'd have sex maybe 2-3 times a month nearly always when she initiated. I had no problems with erections during this time. 3 years ago something set her off and she was irritated and very unhappy for at least 6 months. What ever it was, she got over it but that was when the ED started.
Now she is wondering why I don't want to have sex, why I can't get it up (or get hard then lose it right away), why I didn't mention it to my doctor when I had a physical last summer, has me going to a chiropractor (I have back issues anyway) and is searching the web for answers. A couple days ago she asked if I got any enjoyment from sex anymore. I skirted the question and told her it was frustrating. Truth is I haven't enjoyed sex for over 10 years. I'm afraid that if I tell her how I really feel it will crush her. Our sex life has been one of the biggest disappointments of my life and easily the most frustrating part of our marriage. Sorry if this seems like a vent but I don't know how to deal with this without taking a serious toll on our family.
Sheldon Marks, MD responded:
Bet it has some underlying physical cause, as it often does.
Here is a portion of a response to another inquiry about ED. Just worrying about erections is enough to kill erections.Stress, fatigue, guilt, anxiety all cause ED.
"Once again as with my answers with other posts, please please before you start trying random supplements or herbs or hormones know that his ED may very well have an identifiable and treatable cause! Also know that many time a man's ED is actually the first and early warning sign of something far more dangerous and even life threatening, such as diabetes or small blood vessel damage, the kind that later on causes heart attacks or strokes. He absolutely needs to see his primary care doctor for full cholesterol work up, stress echo, vascular evaluation, blood sugar, kidney and liver function testing to name a few. This is not an option. Even if he is otherwise healthy, he needs this testing. Then he needs to see a urologist as there are some great treatments."
johnnypublik replied to Sheldon Marks, MD's response:
Hello, I am 25 years old and a newly wed. I am having problems sexually with my wife. Here's some background- I'm in the 10 percentile of just about everything. What I mean is that I'm one of the 10% of males in the world who have never masturbated and I am one of the 10% of males who have a downward erection. By having a downward erection I am not afforded the luxuries of doing some positions that other people are but I get a normal erection with no pain and my penis enlarges. It just does not point up or straight. It stays pointed down like it would if it was flaccid but it enlarges and gets longer. I never knew really realized that I was in the minority with that issue until recently. Still the same, I like my downward erection. It doesn't give me any problems other than some positions being out of the question because it might hurt. The masturbation issue is a strange one. I have never once masturbated in my entire life. Its not a moral or a religion thing either. I believe masturbation a perfectly normal and healthy thing to do and I'm aware that the other 90-99% of the world do it but I have absolutely no desire to masturbate. Zero desire. I have to tried to touch myself down there and put my penis in my hand but I simply cannot do it. It provides me with no pleasure. I just do not aroused by this notion and it seems pointless to even think a hand could replace a vagina. My wife is BEAUTIFUL. The most beautiful woman I have ever seen. Thats why I married her. I have erections at least 20 times a day if not more just thinking about her but intercourse is a problem and I need to fix this ASAP. I want to be inside of my woman as well as have kids someday. I will achieve an erection almost instantly when she touches me but I have a problem getting it in because it seems as if she is too tight. She says she isn't. I will be fully hard but when trying to insert my penis it will not penetrate. Just bend at the doorway. I tried lube but still no penetration. I acheived penetration once and that was when she took her own hand and gently forced my penis into her vagina. It popped out though soon after when the walls of her vagina contracted onto my penis. Since then she has not tried to force it in. There is no problem with her forcing it in but its kind of hard because I am very ticklish in the pelvic area. I have been known to laugh when people touch me in that area and during sex and its hard to stop. Because that area is so sensitive... when I get on top of her and she takes hold of my penis my whole body gets rigid and stiff and I find it difficult to move. She finds it difficult to be initmate when I get so rigid like that. Its like having a log or statue over you. It happens whenever I'm on top of her and she takes hold of my penis or sometimes when she attempts oral sex. I enjoy oral sex but it does feel different and I usually only enjoy it standing because of the position my penis is in. I have only ejaculated once since being married for a month. That was during night. My wife stroked my penis repeatedly as I held onto the headboard of the bed and tried to maintain all of my focus on kissing her. and not the tickles in my pelvic region. Since then I have not had any luck. Takes a long time for me to cum. I take her hand and get it to massage or stroke my penis everyday now. It feels good to start off but when she goes fast it just feels different so sometimes I stop her. We bought a dildo and it seems to go in fine. Why am I having trouble with penetration? Am I not hard enough? It looks extremely hard and I feel hard and sexually charged but when I get up to bat she tells me to push or push harder and it just bends and after two fail attempts I usually lose my erection and have to try again or just give up. I have tried Korean Red Ginseng and Yohimbe. Do I need Viarga or something? Can you provide some help to me? No I am not gay or Catholic and yes I am very attracted to my wife. No I was never sexually abused.
nohard replied to johnnypublik's response:
First I think you seem normal, the problem could be that your trying to hard, try some simple lubrication, these plenty about, ok try these postions, your wife on top, this way its up to her to get it to enter her way then it wont fall out of her with her on top.
The most easy way is to enter her from behind its an easy way to enter her, lets say more natural and should just slip in, you can do this when laying in the spoon postion as well.
You can also try if she lies on your left on her back, get her to lift her right leg up, now slip your right leg over her left leg ok so far, you should now be in a good postion to enter her and you now have to free hands, need I say more OK? no ok then you have one to caress her brests and one hand to tease her clitoris with, so for her cloud nine both ways and are home and dry and should not fall out.
This is a great way to have sex when you get your kids running around the bedroom, with the covers over you they cannot see a thing going on under the covers, please enjoy.
Good luck
nohard responded:
10 years ago she was the best thing going Yes, but you could not get it up, Yes.
So now 10 years later she now wants it up, yes, and because of that you cant now perform, Yes
I think its just acase of you both relaxing, get back together, try a nice hot bath/shower, some wine, some candles, a warm room, a nice oily massage, and just see what happens,
try reading some sex advice books together with pictures, this may help, try watching some porn together, things that will lift your libidos.
Porn is ok in the right place at the right time.
Your looking for that spark to set you both off in the sex league.
I think the real problem is that you are both dry and need to get wet, think about it.
Good Luck

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