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Helping your husband with ED
Ganash posted:
I'm at a loss of what to do. My husband has ED and this has affected us a lot. We are currently in a big fight. I'm ok with not having sex and him pleasuring me with toys but he thinks I'm not satisified. I don't understand it all but am trying to learn more. I have asked him how I can pleasure him and how I feel he never gets pleasure like me. He thinks I think he's seeking it elsewhere but I'm not. Every fight we have he thinks is stemmed from the no sex thing. How can I support him better and show him sex doesn't matter for me and closeness is what i seek because I am currently doing everything wrong. I just want to make him happy again. Please help!
Haylen_WebMD_Staff responded:
Hi Ganash and welcome -

Here are a few resources that might give you some suggestions or insight:

How to resolve the most common relationship problems and get your love life back on track

WebMD Sex & Health Center

It sound like you are in a very stressful situation. Have you considered getting some help with a therapist - either individually for you or as a couple with your husband? I think some outside perspective, even if it's uncomfortable for you both, could help immensely.

dfromspencer responded:
It sounds like your hubby is insecure about your relationship? You both need to go to a counselor, marriage, or sex therapy counseling.

If what you say is true, about not needing him for sex, TELL HIM!!! PROVE THAT to him! Next time he thinks you need some pleasuring, tell him to just cuddle with you, thats all you want, or need. You need to make him understand that sex is not all that you want from him, just him. Tell him how thankful you are just being married to him. Build on his ego, a little. Tell him, that he is all the man you need.

I hope this helps, good luck, Dennis
nohard responded:
FFirst and you have not said, is which way is his ED affecting hhim, ED is frustrating for us men as well.
Look I'm in ED recovery, so I do know it can be beat unless he is diobetic, which is the worst one, or form an injury.
Please come back
Ganash replied to nohard's response:
Thank you Haylen, Dennis and Nohard,
The advice helped and I checked out the link. I do realize I haven't been focused on how it's affecting him and I haven't been really listening. I didn't realize the comments I was making about trying pills really hurt. I wanted to show I care but was doing it wrong. I definetly recommend before you try and talk to your partner about anything make sure you've done your research. Not only be knowledgeable about the topic but think about how they may feel about it. Words can do a lot of damage so make sure you think about what you want to say before it comes out. You don't want to hurt the one you love most. Any more advice will be greatly appreciated! Thanks!
nohard replied to Ganash's response:
Hi Ganash, sex toys have a part in foreplay for some couples, but if your like my wife then its real sex she wants, and is now getting again( and no we dont have sex toys) so I think I know your problem even from a mans side.
Look I have a post on its under genral discussins and it titaled HERBS VERSUS DRUGS, HERB MY CHOICE, please give it a and your hubby as well, its just a hormon and herbs, and its a cheap way out of ED and its worked for me.
Good Luck
An_246725 responded:
why don,t you try ED products like Kamagra jelly, kamagara polo, cialis, tadalafil etc. Sunny pharmacy is completely focused on low cost high quality generic medicines.

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Now suffering from ED is the thing of the past.
Imp35 responded:
There is much you haven't told us, i.e., the age of your husband; whether or not he has sought medical help in the past etc. First things first. Find the cause of the ED, if he has ED in the first place. I would suggest bypassing herbal supplements; medications reflecated on TV; analysts, etc. See the experts in the field "endochronologists" who specialize in this field. It might well be he has low testosterone. Both young and old men can suffer from this problem. Research the symptoms of same which may give you a clue, i.e. cold sensitivity; insomnia; anemia, etc., it goes on and on, but is easily addressed and cureable. I am sure an endochronologist can diagnose the cause of his problem. I went through a similar situation but all is well now. I hope this helps. Find the cause of the problem first!
ReuvenF responded:
You know how real estate agents say the most important thing is
"location, location, location"?
Well, the most important thing in
marriage is: "communication, communication, communication"!

Sit your husband and down, and Talk with and to him.
I know it sounds trite, but that's what he needs.
He needs to understand that, for you,
emotional closeness is FAR more important than physical,
and that you love HIM! For who he IS, and not just for what he does.

After my prostatectomy, when it became clear that my ED was permanent,
my wife and I found PLENTY of other ways to satisfy each other.
(Go online and lookup "Frottage" and "Tribbing.")

It is a delicate balance though.
On the one hand, he wants to "be a MAN,"
which to him is tied up in achieving erections.
On the other hand, is his love for you, and yours for him,
that he also wishes to be assured of.

From what you write, it sounds like you have a good start.
Remember, he wants to be reassured of your love,
And he needs to have his ego stroked and stoked.
Best wishes,
BaneWay responded:
you both should try to put him on meds. there are some good medicines that can help with this problem

improve sexual health
shouldistay replied to ReuvenF's response:
Hi ReuvenF
I just found this forum and posted re the problem between my fiance and I. He told me he has e.d. but has pulled back on any and all displays of affection. Oh yeah, I do get a hug and peck goodbye every morning and a peck hello in the evening. Other than that, nothing. I have tried to talk to him about why he can't show any affection (not sex) just hugs and cuddling maybe. Or hold my hand once in a while. When I broach the subject he gets angry and defensinve and i come away feeling like he just isn't attracted to me and has told me he has e. d. just to keep me away from him. My self esteem is tanked. I am obsessed with thoughts and theories about us and this situation and we are scheduled to marry on Nov. 18th. His first marraige, my second, we are in our early 50's. We do love eachother, I am sure of that, but think that maybe he loves me more like a sister or friend than a partner. Scared and confused and frustrated. I'm going to see a therapist next week, but was hoping to get some feedback from men who have experienced e.d.
ReuvenF replied to shouldistay's response:
Sounds like you both could use some therapy, and FAST!
You need help with your self-esteem issues, he needs help with relationship issues, and you need some couples counseling about the relationship.
I'm not a counselor, or a psychologist, or an Oracle.
I'm just a 56-year old man with some life experience and ED.
I hope it won't offend you if I write that he sounds like that guy in "Sex in the City." He worships friendships and relationships, but cannot have an intimate physical relationship for whatever reason.
I once found help for my marriage at a place that provided care of the nature I described above. (Personal for both partners, and together for group sessions.)
Please seek help soon. The wedding date looms, and I'd hate to see you stuck in a platonic, non-fulfilling relationship.
Best of luck!
shouldistay replied to ReuvenF's response:
Thankyou ReuvenF.

I am in the process of finding a therapist now. Waiting for some call backs after the holiday wkend. Unfortunately, I've never watched "Sex in the City". Watch a lot of T.V. but never that. May have to change that. I think he wants to be intimate but that the E.D. has him fearful. This is what I like to think. Then there are my more insecure moments when my mind takes me all over the place. Hopefully, counseling will help me, but i worry that it will be hard to get him involved in that. I also worry about his physical health. From what I've read, e.d. can be an indicator of heart disease, among other things.

We are both recovering addict/alcoholics. He has 6 years clean, myself 5. His Father died from heart disease. He uses a ton of salt on everything, and our diets leave a lot to be desired. We are both very active, strong people (He moves furniture for a living), but we could stand to lose thirty of forty pounds ea.

He assures me that he will see a Doctor after we get married. He has no medical insurance until then. Wether or not he can discuss the issue with a Dr. remains to be seen.

I don't know. I guess i just needed to reach out and hear from someone who has experienced E.D.

Thankyou so much for replying.
ReuvenF replied to shouldistay's response:
Well, who was it who said, "Life is NOT simple"?
Now that I/we have a feew more details, it is a little easier.

First of all, BIG congrat.'s on your multi-year sobriety. Not a small thing, as all veterans of "the Rooms" know.
Secondly, there are a LOT of physical reasons for ED. The place to start BEFORE therapy, and BEFORE checking the psychology, is the physiology.
COMPLETE physicals for the both of you are in order. This includes PARTICULARLY: BP, sugar, cholesterol, LDL, Tri-glycerides, and Blood count (including Hemoglobin).
It also just occurs to me that, up until now, I don't know what medications either or both of you are using. MANY medications ALSO can cause ED. Time to find out.
I'm also sure that I don't have to mention that overweight/obesity causes all SORTS of problems, and it's possible that it also has some influence in ED, among other problems.
As far as getting him to go to a therapist, when I had the same problem with the woman who is now my ex-wife, I told her, "There's nothing wrong with you. This is MY problem. But, you are closer to me than anyone else is, and have valuable insights into my behavior, and, with your help, I can get the help that I need." You'll have to trust me on this one.
Best of Luck! Once again: "Mazal Tov on your sobriety" (I'm Jewish.)
BTW: Jews the world over are preparing for the Jewish New Year. For us, it is a time of introspection and change; and, moreover, hope for the future. It is MY sincere prayer and hope that the two of you will together find a solution for all your marital issues, a blissful marriage, and beautiful lives together.
ontbear responded:
There are two things that couples 'fight' most about: Money and sex. Please find a good doctor/or the one you use and have a talk with him or her --- yes both of you. Just tell the doctor your feelings.... don't fight when you get home. Listen for any advise you can receive. ontbear

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