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Help! ED causing relationship problems.
An_250008 posted:
My 49 yr old boyfriend and I (45) have been together 2 yrs. He has had some trouble with ED since we've been together. Viagra works great, but it's expensive. For several months last spring we didn't need it, but the focus was more on maintaining his erection and we were unable to do the things we want or could do with Viagra. The prescription ran out late in the spring. He seems more disinterested in me physically, rarely initiating a kiss or hug or any intimate touch. I've read that could be his fear of failure or embarassment by ED if things lead to sex. I've told him it's mostly intimacy, kissing, hugging, touching that I miss. I am a big girl, but he has always told me he's attracted to big women. He used to tell me I was beautiful and sexy and would compliment me on my physical appearance. He doesn't anymore. I've told him his disinterest makes feel like he doesn't have the same feelings for me that he used to and that I feel unattractive and unwanted. He just said that we aren't 25 and that it wasn't gonna be every night anymore. (Even though I don't expect it to be every night, it was every night the first 6 months we were together....however we had to make it happen...we did. I had never experienced such a feeling of real "love-making" not just sex in my life.) None of this seems to be a big priority to him. A few weeks ago he said he was going to call his doctor to get a refill on the Viagra but forgot until after they had closed. A few days later I asked if he had called, and he said that the Viagra made his nose dry out and hasn't been the same since last winter from it. (That was the first I'd heard about that problem.) He said maybe his testosterone is low but that he won't take medicine for that because it's bad for the prostate. I mentioned maybe trying a different ED medication. He said they probably all work the same or have side effects. He said he didn't want to call the doctor and discuss this again and didn't want to go to the pharmacy and get the prescription because it was embarassing. But he used to do it with no complaints. He said that many years ago he had a porn addiction before he got involved in church. It seems hard to believe, because he is quite conservative (which makes it difficult when trying to spice things up a bit). Now I'm wondering so many things, and I don't know if I'm way off base or if I'm on the right track. I sometimes think maybe he has started looking at porn again and is no longer physically interested in a woman like me. I feel if I was sexy enough or pretty enough, I could turn him on... or at least make him want to kiss me and touch me and hold me like he used to. I wonder if maybe he has just grown tired of me. We've been living together for 1 1/2 yrs, and he's never been married or even lived with a woman before. He says that the problem is not me and was almost in tears one night because he couldn't understand why he was not totally focused on my bare breasts in bed one night (he's a breast man, and I'm a DDDD). If it was me I don't know if he would tell me, because he knows I'm not confident with my appearance. What sucks is that up until this... I actually started to feel beautiful and attractive. Now we sometimes go 1 1/2 or 2 months with no attempt at any sexual intimacy. I'm more in love with this man than I ever even knew was possible. He has no kids, but is wonderful with my son. Everything just seems to fit with us so very well...except for this. Sometimes when I'm alone or after a failed attempt at getting his attention with candlelight, music, and the nightie he used to love for me to wear, I just cry without letting him know. I don't want to make him feel any worse. I keep telling him we'll work through it and that it's okay. But what concerns me most, is that he doesn't seem to want to talk about it or attempt to do anything about it. The last 2 boyfriends I had also had ED problems, so I'm thinking maybe it is me.
stevesmw responded:
Having a good erection is very important to a man and being a good lover should also be important. Failure in these two areas is very damaging to the male ego. Early in a relationship both partners go out of their way to please, later on not so much. If he feels like a failure he's going to stop trying. My first long term lover at first couldn't orgasm very easily through intercourse. I have a very high sex drive and my problem was orgasming too quickly. I satisfied my partner orally and manually and this made me feel good about myself. Eventually intercourse was successful for both of us. I'm not big on the romantic things, but am big on intimacy. I would be content, being physically intimate and being fondled.

Try to make him feel comfortable with sexual activity even if intercourse isn't successful. Making him feel like he's not a failure. Viagra is an admission of failure and makes sex less spontaneous. If he feels good about the love making, it may turn out that he might not even need it.
SuzieQue responded:
It doesn't sound like it's you at all. It sounds as if you have been loving and patient. He has to be the one to decide if and when he wants to go further with treatment and trying other things. He may be depressed about having ED, it's a great ego and self- esteem killer. You may have to make a choice before he does
An_250008 replied to stevesmw's response:
Manual and oral techniques have never failed us. But he likes intercourse most, and now before anything gets started he just says, "I don't think it's gonna work," and is disinterested in any type of intimacy. This is part of what makes me think it is me, and that I'm just not what he wants anymore.
livemas replied to An_250008's response:
I feel for you, any excuse in the book it sounds like. Mine is the same way, he puts off anything to do with the subject. I am a fine young 51 y/o woman with a healthy sex drive married to a man who just couldn't give a darn, it's very sad, disappointing and hurtful.
livemas replied to An_250008's response:
Oh and as for viagra, an erection that lasts for more than 4 hours sounds like heaven to me...... ;0
stevesmw replied to An_250008's response:
Talk to him and find out what is going on. You have to let him know that what is going on now is not ok.Tell him what you want. It may not be you, his sex drive may be down the tubes. Testosterone isn't the answer if you have BPH or a history of prostate cancer.

He may think that intimacy is just foreplay and you expect intercourse. Talk to him.
An_250008 replied to stevesmw's response:
He's had no prostate problems that I'm aware of. I've tried to talk with him about it. He just gets frustrated with me because "telling me he loves me isn't enough" and he "shouldn't have to console me" and "we aren't going to be doing it every night because we're not 25 anymore". His frustration with me trying to communicate about this really hurts my feelings and makes me feel like I'm not important at all to him. The feelings of rejection are really getting to me. I don't know what else to do.
An_250027 replied to An_250008's response:
no this is an overall reply to anon. He's probably most insecure and worried more than anything.
have dr ask him to try Cialis. Even at $20 for 20 mg I only needed 5 mg to work, and how! good for 24-36 hours. When's the last time yall went on a $5 weekend Date unless at McDonalds? or 20years ago?
Every night? Na. heck, a few weekends per month should be good. When married after kids came along, I was lucky to get any once a month. She use sex rationing as a weapon. he still has hope.
YES, try to communicate first.
and if he'll consent to some non-sexual but heavenly bliss, treat him to a great 1 or 2 hour professional massage session. You too. Maybe a nice drink or favorite candy or dessert. And some non-sexual warm, close intimacy in bed such as pillow talk. You never can tell. Ooh it makes my toes curl up just typing this.
Dont force him,
If he will try the Cialis, and does gets big, suggest yall try out some mutual masturbation. Maybe a little finger licking dessert.
An_250027 replied to An_250027's response:
MORE. Wish I was 45 or 49 again!

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