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momofahn posted:
I am the mother of a soon to be 20 year old son. My son had what some would call a very fortunate childhood. His father & I were divorced when he was 13. My son had every possible 'toy' and was use to several lavish vacations a year. He loved his life. He was a good kid and did very well in school. The divorce which caught everyone off guard was very difficult on him. My ex-husband's behavior changed from an amazing father to a man who would disappear for days, started doing drugs, drinking and sleeping with anyone who would participate. Although I tried to shelter my son, there were things he saw & heard. I did my best by getting my son out of that enviroment and into a situation with postive role models and postive family members. I remarried 2 years after the divorce to a man who my son loves and he also got 2 stepbrothers , who he also loves. My ex-husband was diagnosed with depression and personality disorder from childhood trama, which I was never aware. My ex-husband was not a good influence on my son and the decision was made to move 3000 miles from where we lived due to my ex-husband, but also for career reasons. My son was 16 and was included in the decision process. Jump almost 4 years to now, and I believe I did more harm than good. My son first tried pot a couple of years ago, and I believe other drugs. He graduated from High School with no effort towards his grade and got a full schlorship to college, which he screwed up by not going to classes. He met a girl a year and half ago and they bring out the worst in each other. She has a lot of childhood issues and is very medicated. A year ago she OD'd and my son was with her, although I don't have proof, I think my son was alos doing drugs that night. After this happened we said she was no longer allowed at our home and told him we were not happy with his actions and his attitude, that was a year ago. Last year we have moved with our jobs and my son who also works for our business went with us. I think it's important to say, my son & my steopsons have never wanted for anything- they all have very comfortable lives- in fact they all feel entitled, which I know is another issue in itself. Since my son arrived in our new city he has been very depressed- he says. ( the 'girl' moved here with him, but does not work). He crys all the time, he walks around with his head hanging down. He says he hates it here, but doesn't want to leave because he doesn't want to have to get a normal job with normal pay. He goes back and forth everyday with the I can't stay theme, to I can't go theme. His father has called him a few times, usually from rehab and sounds like a zombie. My son says he's depressed like his father. I think he's using this as an excuse to not have to grow and make decisions, but of course if I'm wrong and something happens to him, I don't know what I would do. I am the only responsible parent ( & my husband) but I'm so tired of dealing with this. I don't even want to be around him. We recently told him we would pay for him to go back home( where he grew up) and help him get settled, and at first he said yes & seemed thrilled, but now again today the crying, whinning started again and he doesn't know what to do. Please give me advice- I can't take this anymore- it's causing me to be physically ill. I feel like the worst mother in the world, but I don't want to deal with this any longer- I don't know if I don't believe there is anything wrong with becuase I'm in denial or becuase I think he is playing us so he doesn't have to grow up. The 'girl' refuses to go back east with him, which we are glad for, but it seems it causing him great pain. Is this normal 20 year old stuff or does anyone else have a similiar situation? Is it normal for a 20 year to mope around all day? he says he sleeps all the time too. Help
momuv4girls responded:
Hi Mom,

This is a complex situation and I can see why you feel overwhelmed, exhausted and confused.

Reading your post from the "outside" I would say there are several red flags not to ignore.

Your son doesn't sound mentally healthy. First and foremost YOU need to find a smart, top notch, board certified Psychiatrist to see / evaluate your son.
This link is a good resource to explore:

Second, you need to find a psychologist (preferably a PhD) - not only for your son, but for you. You need someone that can guide you, help you, support you and learn how to set appropriate / healthy boundaries for your son.

Right now, to me, your son sounds ill and needs your help and support. Personally, I would not send him back East, he may flounder, dabble in more drugs and who knows what.

Lastly, there is the wonderful organization called
NAMI ( )
They have chapters and meetings all over the US.
I urge you to call them for immediate support and guidance.

The most expensive / costly thing you can do is do nothing.....your son needs you now, and as overwhelming as it seems once you get into "action" mode, find a Dr. and get some good support in place you will begin to feel better - and so will your son !!

Take care of yourself, you are in a difficult spot, but it will get better, it really will.

Write back anytime, I check in with the board often.
((((((Big Hugs)))))))

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