Our son is 25 and living at home, does not work, says he has tried to apply but no luck. It's not enough. His past 5 years have consisted of dropping out of college in his second year, meeting a young woman who had her own problems that became explosive for the two of them and had a child together who they raised (unhealthily) for the first three years. Unfortunately neither took responsibility for their lives or their actions and neither is raising our grandchild who is now 5. Both continue to be 'victims' of their own doing. Our son went to seek treatment for depression having checked himself into a hospital about three times since the relationship split. During this relationship ALL expenses, down to having their own CC were paid for them and they had absolutely NO responsibilities except keeping an eye on their baby and allowing our grandchild to be in an unhealthy environment due to their very unhealthy and selfish choices.
It was told to me later my son tested to see what might be wrong with him. He said bipolar with mostly depression, and schizoprehnea that he wasn't worried about how to control. He said it was easy to manipulate the doctors and had medication. He came to live with us, there were initial problems with alcohol that we were unaware of and forbade after an episode. We gave him a chance to try to fix his mistakes during and after the relationship, problems that he brought on himself. He felt they were too heavy to handle but his dad encouraged him to get them over and put them behind him, recently he did. He hadn't been on any medications these past several months and seemed to be doing just fine. He chooses to sleep and stay in his room, read and do things on his computer only coming down to eat for about 20 minutes a day. He is pleasant around family but.. he avoids his dad and I and telling us of any progress he is or obviously isn't making with the job search.
He tells us he wants to check in to ECS for depression, granted I believe he does have some but it does not appear to be to a severe degree. He only gets uptight when he is expected to get on with his life and try to make a go of it on his own.
Is there anything you can think of that gives him an excuse not to? He has no physical handicaps and if it's depression, is that excuse enough not to work? He tells us the minimum about his attempts at looking for work or even what a doctor says. He is insured through us for less than a year, after that we can no longer help him.
He is not a problem really until it comes to asking him about getting on with his life and taking some responsibility. We are having a hell of a time trying to convince him to do anything. He says it won't help anything anyway. He isn't paying a thing for the child he gave up and acts like he was the one done wrong when he could have worked however many jobs it took to raise him! But.. he lives the 'poor me' mentality and can't seem to get past it!
I am thinking maybe we need to find a counselor who can also tell him that he NEEDS to get on with his life. It is weighing on my husband and I to know the right thing to do. We support him because he is our son and we love him but we feel like presently we are only serving to enable him. He will not see to helping himself!
He left tonight because he was very angry that we questioned him about what the dr. told him and he quite matter of factly told us he does not feel he should have to work. Any help or suggestions to get us all out of this downward spiral are welcome. Thank you. It is also causing me personally some very deep depression, I feel my hands are tied and it's equally hard on my husband although he has in all fairness tried to be a wonderful example and give the best advice to our son he knows, as well as the patience to wait it out and see if things would change. They have not...
I really feel for you and the situation you're up against. I have helped my husband raise three drug babies he adopted through foster care. I have a son and daughter with bipolar. From my experience, before you can start coaxing and gently "pushing" them in the right direction, the medicine has to be right. There is a big difference between people with mental health issues that don't take medication or do take it now and then AND those who take it regularly as well as see their psychiatrist on a regular basis. That is the key place you need to start, in my opinion. If I were you, I would insist on accompanying your son to the doctor and he has to follow the doctor's recommendations, if he is going to live in your house. Their moods change so much, you have to catch him in a good mood and let him know he is not alone, but you are there and will go through it with him. Get a prescription (they have to start out slow and conservative on the medications) and be sure he takes it. See the dr in 2 weeks to report how he is doing. You may have to go every 2 weeks for several months before he is stable. Once that is in place, getting him to do the productive, mature things in life will almost come naturally. He will then be much more open to your "politely persistent" suggestions. With my kids, nothing gets accomplished when I yell. In fact, you may find that he listens more if you speak to him in almost a whisper. That keeps my children from blowing up at me. I would suggest the book, "Understanding the Mind of your Bipolar Child," by Gregory T. Lombardo, MD PHD. I have learned so much from that book. Tell me how it goes. Hang in there. You're not by yourself : )
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