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What lies ahead & how are we going to make it?
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momofahmazingchild posted:
I am hoping that by joining this online support group, it will help me to not feel so alone in what my family is going through. I am educated enough to know that there are many children and families experiencing a great number of issues, but not mine, not with my daughter, and not me. I have come to the conclusion after having a complete melt down in a psychiatrist office this weekend, I need a place to vent, seek advice and find some sort of meaning to what is going on. I will begin by telling you about my amazing daughter.
Thirteen months ago her world and ours was turned upside down. In December of 2012 she attempted to hang herself. I took her to our local ER and told the doctor what she had done. I was completely devastated when all he did was make my child pinky swear not to do this again. I took her to a hospital in OKC and she was admitted. It was then that we found out she hears voices. Those voices tell her to harm herself, her brother, and us. I was simply .....cannot even describe. She remained inpatient for 3 months. Came home for three weeks and the voices returned. The second stay was almost two months....finally she came home. She was not my smart whitty, outgoing child anymore. My daughter had become paranoid of everything, suffered from anxiety attacks, and appeared to be depressed almost all the time. Delt with a psychiatrist for six months who I felt did not listen to us. We began to learn how to handle things at home somewhat. I began to notice depression, voices, hatefulness, physical aggression,, and self harming thoughts occur every month and a half to two months. I decided to seek help elsewhere after she was inpatient again the week before Thanksgiving for cutting herself. I hope with all my heart that this place will help and so far they have been great. She just got home again after another stay for burning herself. Today at discharge, the counselor told me that we have a long road ahead of us and that I will never have the daughter I had two years ago...I so love her and am simply at a loss as to how to really help her, her brother, her father, and myself. I cannot stop working a stay home, I spend my whole day at work worrying about her, and most of the time come home to what feels like hell. I am hoping by sharing my story, and this is only a small part, and listening to others, I can begin to wrap my brain around what is happening to my daughter and how to help her and keep my family together. I am scared to death that the stress of this is tearing her father and I apart... I cannot even begin to imagine how this is really affecting her brother, although he says he understands. Please share with me. I am usually not one to reach out for help, but something has to give.

thank you in advance
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momuv4girls responded:
First off, I am so very sorry for all that you are going through - your poor daughter. (((((((((((Big Hugs))))))))))) !!!!

Second off, I do not like (or believe is accurate), that the counselor told you " that I will never have the daughter I had two years ago" - that was totally inappropriate and not right!! I hope you never see that counselor again!!!

I understand how difficult it is to have a child with mental issues - no one can really relate unless they too have a child with mental illness.

My daughter was diagnosed at age 7, so we have been dealing with medication and issues for quite some time. It takes a really good Psychiatrist to help medicate and get the child stable - but it is possible, there is great cause for hope, so don't give up!!!!

My lifeline ever since my daughters diagnosis has been,
The Balanced Mind Foundation http://www.thebalancedmind.org/
I belong to 2-online support groups, and have found great comfort and knowledge with the wonderful parents there.
I highly, highly suggest you looking into their organization.

Also, NAMI has in-person support groups, that also offer a lot of great info and support.
Here is the link:
https://www.nami.org/Template.cfm?section=Find_Support

Write back anytime - I am happy to offer any help/ideas and support to you.
Take care,
-Kathleen
 
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lucyontheground replied to momuv4girls's response:
Oh my, I'm so sorry to read of your troubles with your daughter. My heart goes out to you and to everyone in this situation. it's so, so hard. I hope you've found a good treatment for her by now and that things have improved. Reading your post gave me a jolt, as my daughter is a slightly paler version of what you describe and I'm at my wits end. She's always been an ultra sensitive child, went through years of terrible tantrums from 1.5 - 5y, and is now twelve, entering puberty, and going off the rails. We recently moved back "home" after years of living abroad, and there were a lot of changes in her life. Most of them were things that you might think were not that big of a deal but she just sucked in all the stress and never talked about it. She had friends and I was fooled into thinking she was ok but I couldn't help but notice how angry she was all the time, how she spent all her time with her friends or barricaded in her room. Everything I did was wrong, according to her I didn't understand anything, which made me really sad, that she didn't want to be around me anymore. We'd previously been quite close. The whole family lived in fear of setting her off, her moods ruled the day but despite tiptoeing around her there was always something that made her angry, that she thought was wrong, that was unfair to her. It could be something so little as asking her to do a chore like picking up her jackets off the floor before guests came. It was all horribly unfair to her and I was the worst and meanest mom ever. But it was mostly stress that set her off. She is completely incapable of dealing with stress.
Then I found out she'd been cutting herself and had been walking on the train tracks in our town and everything changed. I'd previously thought it was just an extreme case of early teenagery but this changed everything. I got her into a psychiatrist and eventually a psychologist, though it's going horribly slow getting into a routine with them. When speaking to the psychiatrist she revealed that she had been hearing a voice in her head telling her she's a terrible person for years, which started when I went through treatment for breast cancer a few years ago. The cutting happened after she overheard me on the phone going through the history with a doctor (these things, once there, are always around to haunt you), I realized later. She had never mentioned the voice, never said a word. It came as a huge shock.
Anyway the psychiatrist put her on abilify 2.5 mg, which does seem to have helped. She is much calmer, sweeter, and more easy going, with fewer tantrums, says the voice is mostly gone and has a much easier time sleeping. But she's only 12, I worry that this drug is going to change the chemistry in her brain and she will become a constant patient of some sort, that she'll never be normal. She is a fantastic girl when she's well, she's funny and smart and adorable and really creative. I feel like she's the kind of person who, if she survives this, will be an amazing adult. I'm tearing myself to pieces that it was something I did that caused this. If it is, I want to know, not to beat myself up but to change it.
It's so, so hard. My husband is of the slap-on-the-back-buck-up-it's-not-so-bad type, which is really not all that helpful.
I feel for everyone who has a child in this situation. I never knew.
Take care and I hope you both - Kathleen as well - are well.


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