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    Life since 12/11/1o at 9:30am AZ time
    bcbailey1977 posted:
    When my parents returned on Tuesday my mom looked jaundiced, and couldn't hardly breathe. The only thing keeping her alive was TPN, normal saline and 2 different IV anti-biotics. I got a 4am wake up call when my dad was hollering at me to call 911 because my mom needed to go to the hospital.

    She had pulminary edema in her lungs (she was drowning in her lungs) and so anemic that she was gonna have to have a blood transfusion. the hospitalist came in and it was one who had dealt with my mom before and talked straight to my mom and said it could shorten her life rather than help her with the anemia. The hospitalist was talking to my mom about stuff.

    My mom thru the bipap breathing machine to help her breathe told us all that "she was ready to go". They admitted her to the hospital as a hospice patient.

    She was ok on Wednesday and parts of Thursday and in n out on Friday but perked up when she heard certain voices in the rooml

    I had camped out at the hospital every night in uncomfortable chairs and a few blankets from the nurses.

    I was wearing my Lidoderm patches and taking tylenol and tramadol and gabapentin and the other drugs in my cocktail of pills I take.

    On the nights of Thursday and all day Friday she was partially conscience but was sleeping most of the time. (I would be too I if I had 400mcg/hr of Fentanyl in an IV drip that could go up whenever then Ativan every 4 hours.)

    I slept there in the most wonderful comfortable chair (insert sarcasm here) and woke up on Saturday and was groggy like usual from the gabapentin increase. I was awake maybe 30 minutes, if that, when the doctor came in and my mom's breathing you could hear. So he increased her Fentanyl and ordered some Ativan also.

    After he left I told the nurse that I was going to get some breakfast at the cafeteria. I got the usual, kill me in a year breakfast, 3 pancakes, 4 sausages, container of gravy, and a bowl of fruit, and coffee. I paid and walked back over to the building she was in.

    When I was walking down the hallway the nurse who was her day nurse everyday she was in there looked like she had been crying, then my dad was calling me on my phone. I answered and I was already there on the floor.

    The nurse explained what happened. She was giving her the ordered medication when she noticed the change in breathing. She ran and tried to find my number but found my dad's and called him to call me. But in that time period after she called my dad and went back into the room she saw my mom take her last breaths. The charge nurse had to verify and I was there and she called the time of death at 9:30am on 12/11/10.

    My mom passed away on 12/11/10 at 9:30am

    So now how do I manage my physical and emotional pain is the question

    calicogirl63 responded:
    I am so sorry for your loss. My mother died 5 years ago from lung cancer. I really do know how you was the worst day of my life.

    I will tell you that the pain of her loss will lessen some. I still have some very bad days when I miss her terribly.

    Please do not neglect your health. I grieved so much that I developed 4 stomach ulcers. Please try to rest when you can.

    I will pray for you and your family.

    1wareaglefan responded:
    Dear Brooke....I wanted to tell you how sorry I am about your Mom. I've lost a brother, my father, and a very close friend. It is so hard, but time does help. It's ok to grieve....I think that's part of the healing.

    I would also tell you to be good to yourself. Try to rest and let others do for you. Know that you have my prayers and sympathy, along with the others in this FMily.

    We're here for you....I think it's probably good to let your feelings out.

    God bless you and comfort you as only He can. Elizabeth
    fibroinsd responded:
    Hugs to you...oh How I wish I could just be there for you...This sure isn't easy...I know you are going to go through a lot of tears. There is not an easy way around it.

    Do you remember an old camping song...going on a bear hunt..and you go through the scary woods...and every time you come to an obstacle say.."Can't go over it, can't go under it, can't go around to go through it"...Well, that is you right now...just have to go through all this pain...You will come out the other side.

    Remember, your mom did have wonderful times in her life, and she wants you to have wonderful times too. She does not want you to be too sad. This is a terrible time, but it is your job to make sure you have a good life now....I do believe with my whole heart that you will see her again one day in heaven...until then she will be watching over angel on your shoulder...

    Thank you so for sharing this with me. I know this is so very very hard on you....God be with you as you travel this difficult road.

    Let's put the fun back in dysfunctional !- Mary Englebright
    jamesii responded:
    Dear sweet Brooke, I am so sad for you and your dad right now. It is always hard to say so long to a loved one. But, always remember that she said she was ready to go.

    That meant she was asking for yalls blessings and release to allow her to leave. I am completely committed to believing that we simply move on to the next level in God's cycle for our lives.

    She will alwasy be there for you in your fondest memories of the things yall shared in life, in her love for you, and even in her struggles-she never forget about yall.

    Shed your tears, that is the best way to deal with her loss. Do all you can to preserve the good times and even the bad as they all go together.

    But never forget that she is in heaven now, no more pain, no meds, or needles. She wanted relief and to find confort. She has found that.

    Now for you to find comfort. I always encourage the family to visit the grave site often, people won't think you are crazy if you talk to her there. Place an ocassional flower, that would make her happy.

    Be good to yourself, take it easy for awhile, and see to your own health.

    God bless you, I am praying for you during this telling time.

    Ark Jim.
    ednaroberts1978 responded:

    I am very sorry for your loss. I know you are going through a lot right now, trying to get things done, make the phone calls that need made and grieving. Please be kind to yourself as the grieving process can be a long but necessary one. The next few days will be a little crazy, so remember to take time for yourself as you need to stay healthy to help deal with everything.

    Also, not everything needs done right away so just pace yourself and do what you can do. There are no words that can be said that will lessen the pain as Cece stated it is something that you have to go through but you will come out on the other side.

    I'll be praying for you and your family.

    TCL38 responded:

    Prayers to you and your dad for your loss.

    The pain of loss is controlled one day at a time.

    Soft hugs,

    Wolfsong452 responded:
    sending you a warm hug.

    I am truly sorry for this loss.
    angelldakota responded:
    Dearest Brooke.Family, and Friends...

    A loss of your mother is very hard on you... I can't imagine it... I have gone through great loss but not my mother yet...

    this timwe of year it is especially hard... But you can celebrate that this Christmas she is with you and happy to be out of pain and healthy...

    I know it is hard to see beyind the tears and pain right now... And you need time to feel your pain and cry... But also keep in mind she never leaves you... She is always in your heart and mind and soul... She is always a part of you...

    Grieve and go the path with the knowledge that the Dear Lord is carrying you... He has company too for your mother is right there with you never to leave your side... Your dear angel now...

    I lost a son around Christmas time... He was a still born... I selebrate his birthday every Christmas and buy an angel in his honor... I ltill shed some tears for him and miss him dearly for I didn't get to be a mother to him and love him but I still can now...

    I have gotten very sick several times in the last 32 years and I have been told that there have been times there has been a glow around me and I was in a coma once and he came to me... I heard him say it wasn't my time to fight... I woke up a couple hours later...

    I believe our loved ones never leave us... they are always in our hearts and souls and always right beside us to protect us...

    I will pray for you and your family... I HOpe and pray you can take care of yourself and pace so you don't get sick... I know this has been a great hardship... and very hard on you to sit with her and not leave her side... But you can make it thru this and know we are here for you... Come talk to us and share your needs anytime...

    take care... God Bless You...
    Love In Christ... Jan/Angelldakota
    Dollbug responded:
    May GOD comfort Brooke and her family at this time of grief....may GOD also provide peace and understanding to all of them....May they all remember the good times that they had with this loved one and keep her close to them in their hearts....

    May GOD provide the strength to them in days ahead....which will be difficult, especially at this time of the year....

    May GOD bless them...and allow them to remember that their loved one is on longer in pain....

    Take good care of yourself....thinking of you....

    IN GOD WE TRUST....MAY GOD BLESS AND GUIDE AMERICA.... My personal exchanges are Vitamin D and Pain and Wrath of the Dragon....if you care to visit..
    bcbailey1977 replied to calicogirl63's response:
    I also was doing good with the smoking too. but when she said "she wanted to go" was when i started smoking more and more. i still knew a code to get in and out of the locked doors
    bcbailey1977 replied to 1wareaglefan's response:
    i've had to sleep on the couch because i can set my heating pad just right for my back.

    Stuff just keeps coming up so I am still in a zone or daze. I was doing a bunch of Facebook updates too
    bcbailey1977 replied to fibroinsd's response:
    My mom had told my psychiatrist and the chaplin at the hospital, the one she is having do her service here in AZ that she wasnt sure if I will recover from this to function normally. I never learned how to grieve. When I lost my boyfriend, I was there when he was pronounced, went to school, went to the funeral and life was to return to normal. then i lost the baby and he was stillborn and i wouldn't let him go. i still have the blanket they wiped him up in. I was induced on a Friday and returned to school on a Monday and small gathering for a service since he was buried in the same spot as his father.

    I haven't learned how to grieve. i was raised not to cry but be stoic
    bcbailey1977 replied to angelldakota's response:
    I lost a baby too a couple weeks after his father was killed in front of me. i havent fully grieved because everything was while i was in high school. I did drugs to grieve that situation. Sept 3rd 1994 i don't work, i dont leave the house because i sit in my room and talk to him. then on the day Sept 23rd 1994 I hold the blanket they cleaned him up with and hold it and cry and open "the box" in the corner of a shelf in my closet. it has the newspaper clippings, part of my boyfriend's shirt, what i was wearing, the clothes the baby was supposed to come home in and our letters of acceptance to the University of Texas.

    There was no time to grieve for that because I was in high school.

    I hope I can make it thru everything.

    To top it off, my birthday is on Tuesday and relatives are showing up. These are the people who are the last ones who were able to do stuff with my mom--shop, beach etc. My trip to CA (about a week later) was spent next to my mom while she was in the hospital. They stayed in CA and got home on Tuesday and from Wednesday through Saturday I hardly left the hospital.

    I almost don't want to be around them, because they got to see my mom still with some life in her and all i did was hold a vigil at her bedside in CA and her in AZ. I would have not taken such a long time off for Thanksgiving had I known I would have been the only one who was there all the time. And when I wasn't I was trying to put the finishing touches on my outfits for our family pictures. I said I was going to the mall to look for a black shirt and a necklace and no one went with me. My cousin said she wanted to do stuff with my mom's friend. So I was alone the whole time emotionally because my dad is more stoic than me. I just wanna lay somewhere with lots of heating pads and my special cream and my ipod, headphones and a blanket to wrap up in and a door shut so no one will disturb me, talk to me, or anything
    fibroinsd responded: have a lot built up...and it sounds like you are going to need help dealing with it all....let your family and friends in to help you...let them hug you and cry with you....but also ...I think you do have a therapist and I do think you need to talk to him/ her...

    I wish I could show you how much I care...I do...but with all you have gone through..I hope you can see that you cannot ignore this...the pain doesn't disappear if you don't deal with it..

    Let's put the fun back in dysfunctional !- Mary Englebright

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