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    Fatzinger posted:
    I am angry because my body will not let me be the person I know I am. The person that holds, hugs and runs around with my grandchildren. The person who use to go out dancing for 15 years every Saturday till 3 years ago. The nurse that worked 40- 60 hours a week and loved every minute of it but mostly I miss the the cuddling on the couch or in bed with my husband. Every hug is a struggle to keep from groaning in pain.

    I am angry because I am one that puts on the happy face for everyone and what ever is asked of me I do. We live with my 80 year old mother who knows I have FM and I am sure she has it also, when she asked us to move back in with her 2 years ago she promised we would not have to move our new furniture to the sun room. She has a frontroom and then there is a big family room she never put furniture in. My dad made folding tables out of 4 x 8 sheets of plywood (heavy) and we had 24 metal chairs that stacked (heavier) my husband I always sat up and tore down at the holidays. My husband last year got rid of those and bought 3 light weight folding tables (3 x 6) and 16 card table folding chairs and we have 10 other chirs around the house to fit our family. She was not happy but slowly came around because we could store these much better, then out of the blue she told me the tables were going to look nice in the room we had our new furniture, naturally we got into it I gave in and she got her way. This year again I tried to tell her the tables would fit in the sunroom nicely she would not hear this (there is a fire place in the sunroom). Our couch is extra large and my recliner is large (my second bed when the comfort control bed not helping) the tables are oak, and the coffeetable is as wide as the couch.

    My husband is 54 and works 12 hour shifts and me with FM move this heavy furniture at Thanksgiving and bring it back in after Christmas, we also have to clean it because our kids and my brother smoke. So between the cooking and cleaning for Christmas and the cleaning up after Christmas I am hurting so bad we did not even go out for New Year and we had tickets.

    I am angry because I feel quilty for being mad at my mom, I won't show her I am mad or tell her I am mad, she is 80 and is still very active. No one knows how long we have with the ones we love so I will put on my happy face again and hope this new year I can talk her into not moving the furniture.
    Dollbug responded:
    Hello and welcome.....MiMi in NC....I am so sorry that you are not feeling better....stress does cause a lot of problems for us FMers try to get rid of any stress that you have.

    I can not even imagine trying to move or clean a lot of heavy furniture. If I were you, I would be having a talk with your mom and explaining to her that you can not do this kind of thing again. Perhaps you can suggest that, if she insists doing this, then she can be in charge of getting it done. Now..with this being said....she can either try to do it or perhaps ask someone to do it for her and she can be in charge of it. You do need to take care of yourself because if you do not, then no one else will either. This is just my opinion though.

    I know that when the time came for my dad to go to the nursing home, I did not feel good about making the decision.
    But it took my husband and son to be able to help him up from the bed. I knew that this was not going to be a good thing. He ended up and was bedridden for a long time. So
    I talked to the doctor and made the decision to put him into a nursing home. I know that there are times when things get hard for us....but we are no longer to keep the "happy face" on and pretend that everything is ok with us..You also need to remember that "mom" just might end up and outlive you if you do not take care of yourself...

    I took care of my aunt for over 14 years and I also took care of my dad for a long time....I often wonder if I did not push myself to the limit also and that is why I ended up with facing the wrath of the dragon.

    I hope you will check out the info under "Tips" and "Resources" to the right of this page...there are some very good "tools and tips" that you might try to help you cope better with your pain. I would also encourage you to be sure and ask the doctor to check your Vitamin D level...which is so important for a lot of us..

    Hang in here with we are all in the same boat with you...we know how you feel...FM is a very ugly and mean illness to face every day....but I am sure that soon you will find something to help you cope better.

    Take care and good luck..

    IN GOD WE TRUST....MAY GOD BLESS AND GUIDE AMERICA.... My personal exchanges are Vitamin D and Pain and Wrath of the Dragon....if you care to visit..
    angelswife responded:
    Fatzinger---I know how you feel. I am very good at putting a happy face on also; unfortunately this can make my flares a lot worse, as I bottle everything up inside. I find keeping a journal helpful---I have one for the daily stuff so I don't forget anything; but I also have a second one that I call my "dumping ground". My dumping ground is for all the angry, sad, and just plain ugly thoughts that sometimes bang around in my head; when I need to let them go I dump them all into the pages. (doesn't hurt to have a fire extinguisher handy either, lol. :-) ) I write everything that I am holding in until I feel lighter. Then I close the book and walk away. (If you do this, make sure you have a safe place to keep the book.)
    This serves several functions for me: it keeps me from sometimes unfairly dumping on people; it gets the ugliness out of me safely; and it creates a space for peace to come in. It also makes the flares easier to manage because I'm not using up all my energy keeping my mouth shut. Hope this helps.
    Fatzinger replied to Dollbug's response:

    Thank you for your kind words. Have you ever seen a bull when its ticked and tries to gore anything in its path, well thats my mom!..Bullheaded Marie (lol) My grandparents were from Tenn. I think after she was born in Ohio they took her down there to much to play around her grandpaws mules! There is a wonderful thing we were taught , we take care of our family. When I was 5 I helped take care of my great-grandpa, he died at home with his loved ones. This is when I knew I wanted to be a nurse.

    Mom had 2 hospital beds and 2 big O2 tanks in this house at the same time. My grandma had a stroke April 19, 1995 the day of the Oklahoma bombing. Mom called me and asked me to stop at grandmas because she was complaining of a headache. I got there and there she was standing over her register in her dress and housedress over it,...I asked her to come sit down I wanted to take her BP. She started walking and noticed her right foot would drag every few steps, she sat down and I told her I was calling 911 (I knew she was having a stoke). She argued, imagine talked to us up till 2 a.m when the ER finally told us their CAT scan was down and that she would be fine everything was stable. She had been talking to us for close to 12 hours. We came back to the hospital at 6 am and she could no longer talk, they took her to Toledo by ambulance by time they got her there her right side was gone and the drop at the side of her mouth was now noticable. The ER doctors there were ticked, the neuro doctor told me and mom after they did a CAT that if the ER would have listened and life flighted her as soon as they knew the CATscan did not work they could have given her a drug called eminase that would break the clot up. There are risk to the drug, brain bleeds but we had delt with this drug with my father after a heart attack.

    Grandma after 6 months of rehab was brought to my parents home. In 1999 my dad suffered his 6th heart attack and was in and out of the hospital several times, thats when the second bed came in, he had giant cell arthritis, CHF, and bleeding of unknown origin internally. He would go to the hospital at first once a week so they could tap fluid off around his lung then it went to twice a week, the last time they tapped him they took 2 liters off and took him to Toledo. His kidneys were failing and he told mom he wanted to go home only if she was okay with him dying at home. We brought him home July 26th two days after his 71st birthday and day after their 52 anniversary and he died one week to the day we brought him home. She took care of grandma till 2001, when she lifted her and it broke two of my moms ribs. Grandma weighed a 120 but the one side was dead weight. I told mom she was going to die before grandma if she continued. We put grandma in the nursing home where I and my daughter both worked and she was on my side till my accident and then moved to my daughters side. She died June 2003 I was on light duty at the time, and went to her room and noticed the irregular breathing. I called mom and she came out and we sat with her. I actually had the supervisor tell me I could not sit there I was on duty (shuffling papers) I told her to get the heck out, I quit. Later when grandma died the supervisor came to me and hugged me, and told me she was sorry, she did not know she was dying...

    Sorry I went on but I did not want anyone to think my mom was a bad person. I will take care of myself and get stress under controll. I learned how to do power point lately and I did a good job so my instructors say, I am going to do one on Fibro and show my mom. She liked the ones done for my 2 classes. I am researching more on the vitamin D3.

    Thank You again, and God bless you!
    Fatzinger replied to angelswife's response:

    Thank You, great idea. Started on the daily journal but the "dumping ground" sounds really good, the flare ups are worse when things are bottled up.
    Moxie1956 replied to angelswife's response:
    BRAVO, Angelswife! I love the idea about having a "dumping ground," (and fire extinguisher;)! I think I might try to employ this devise. Thanks!

    Happy 2011 and gentle hugs to you ((( )))

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