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Fear of Dying
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Soophie posted:
Hello Everyone!! Its been a little while since I last posted. I have been so busy! It always seems that there is a insurmountable amount of things that need to be done. I get so depressed!! There have been alot of good things happening lately. Like I might be going to Shanghai China, we might be getting motorcyles and driving lessons to learn how to ride them, I got a new wardrobe, and we have all these crazy ideas for landscaping the yard, I have two weddings coming up. Well I guess my question to all of you is do you ever feel like your not going to make it to see those dreams come true? Everyday I feel like I am slipping further and further into the grave!! Kind of a morbid conversation, but a very real fear that I grapple with everyday and every minute. I am so tired of worring if I am going to make it to the next day. I have such anxiety about it that it does not let me relax and enjoy alot of things. I don't want to miss out, but my body only lets me do so much. Some days are good and others are not. Well anyways I wanted to see what your views are on this subject. Hope all is well with all of you! Hugs.
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Booch007 responded:
Fear of dying is different then fear of a closing down and trimmed lifestyle.

All that was said seems doable.......In the spoon theory we only have a certain amt of spoons to spend in a day. If you do a big thing, then later on you will peter out and have to rest, sometimes that's it. A wall is there....but sometimes after the rest you have regrouped and continue to another thing.

For me it matters how much love is in it. I have moved mountains when I am in love. But if I really was not into it, the body goes with that. It is very *mind orientated. See if you can get or shake so much anxiety at each thing. Look at them in a number system. #2 low effort-#10 B I G thing.

Harder things bigger number and that is it. For me the motorcycle would be big. I couldn't handle the weight of the ride or having my arms stretched out that long........so ???

Until you try things and give em a chance though you will not know. You have to stretch your wings a bit, not close in too much or life will surely pass you.

For weddings, I do a little thing or two before and rest before we leave, take my meds before we go and ENJOY the ride after that. You get into the chemicals of friendship and dance music and can have so much fun. A great MED in itself.

Landscaping can be done too. That is it for the day and a piece at a time. When we got this dang mess we are in, the NEW you has to plan each thing now. P A C E through them. You can't take for granted that the body will just do and be there for you now. Hydrate well and listen to the muscles. Starting to tire???? slow down maybe one more thing then sit and rest........hydrate more....

I was so crippled with this in the beginning, some being from my head that didn't understand the beast that lives with me, now my wellness window has stretched pretty darn far.

BUT I know my triggers and causes for alert. You need time to learn you. Journal yourself so you can see what is a big trigger and what is OK. Learning you is I think the third hurdle after diagnosis(#1) and the right meds and tools (#2)....

Good luck, take deep breaths YOU CAN DO IT.......(I think Dora says that on the TV for the kids too.........:).
Hugs to you, Nancy B
 
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Caprice_WebMD_Staff responded:
Hi Soophie,

So many exciting things coming your way! :-)

I really encourage you to get in to some one-on-one cognitive behavioral therapy to help you process the anxiety and learn some coping skills. Anxiety is something that responds very well to this approach.

Living like you describe, constantly worried, must be exhausting all on its own. Please get some help so you can move on to enjoy all these exciting things. :-) You also may want to try posting about this aspect on our Anxiety & Panic Community.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. ~Joseph Campbell
 
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Soophie replied to Caprice_WebMD_Staff's response:
Dear Caprice, I have been trying for 11 years now! I have been through scores of pyschiatrist, therapist, medications with little to no success. I have a therapist now that I have a pretty good repore with, but I don't respond well to new approaches. I try to stay busy, and I do alot of creative things, but the fear of dying is always there, because I have all this physical pain and no real answers and not much support and no relief from the pain. Part of it I believe is due to the fact that my mother died at such a young age, it was very traumatic on so many levels. In fact I have major depression, anxiety disorder, PTSD on top of the fibro and other physical problems. I just don't know how much more my poor body and soul can stand. But I keep trying.
 
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Pony8 replied to Soophie's response:
Soophie, Patti here in NC, may I share with you from a spiritual standpoint? I never want to offend anyone ever, but, everything I do is based on my love for my Savior and Lord, Jesus Christ.

You have been given some good advice from several others already, and, I would like to add to what they shared from my perspective and, maybe, putting them all together will encourage you and help you out of this pit of despair.

I am not one to judge or point fingers. I don't blame a person for being sick, that is part of life in this world, and you, my friend, have done nothing wrong to deserve pain, frustration, depression and fear of anything. People who tell you that you have sinned or done some terrible wrong and that's why you are sick and have fears, etc. are NOT RIGHT in their advice. We all know that the sin in the world came from sin in the garden of Eden.

Sure, we bring on ourselves some amt. of illness, like drinking too much, smoking, eating wrong, not taking care of ourselves by resting enough, etc. But that is a given and I think we all understand that. But you have done nothing to bring this fear upon yourself.

The fears you are dealing with are coming from the very pit of Hell. The Devil does NOTHING GOOD, NOTHING! He wants to build on the FM and fatigue and he uses these things to get you down emotionally so you are weak from that & not as able to fight against other things. He likes to kick us when we are down. You may have strengths in other areas of your life that he knows he can't get you to turn away from ,but he has found that putting a fear of death on you works, especially when you are going through flare ups and life's disappointments in other areas.

Remember, The Devil does NOTHING GOOD.
Now, that leave the ONE, who does NOTHING BAD. That means that God does ONLY GOOD. What do you do? You ask God to help you deal with the One who is actually causing this fear......the Devil. Then, you ask God to help you get rid of the Devil.

I've done this so many times in my Christian life....I have literally kicked, with a swift kick in the air, just like kicking a football, in fact, if you have one, go into the yard and KICK THE "HELL" OUT OF THE DEVIL. (I'm not cursing, I'm serious about kicking Hell out of him because that is ALL that is in him).

I have shouted outloud, GET OUT OF MY LIFE DEVIL, YOU ARE A LIAR, A DECEIVER AND A MURDERER. I WILL NOT LISTEN TO YOU AND I WILL NOT FEAR YOU OR DEATH. MY LIFE IS IN THE HANDS OF THE LIVING GOD AND DOES NOT BELONG TO YOU!!! You can use any words to that effect that you find useful to you but say with ferver!

Then you turn to God and say, Thank you, Father, for helping me get rid of the liar in chief and replacing all his ill gotten fear with Your love and peace. In the Precious name of the Lord Jesus Christ.

Soophie, it will work. You may have to do it several times a day, but, I promise you it will work. The Devil CANNOT stay in a place where the name of Jesus is being used in faith and he will run as fast he can to get away from you.

You may have to do it for days, everyday, weeks, whatever it takes. He is a persistant cuss, but, when he sees that you mean what you say and begins to sense the strength and peace in you, rather than the fear he has tried to keep on you, you will see the ole' Devil "kicking up dust".

You will feel a peace that passeth all understanding and that is from no one but, GOD, who only, what? DOES GOOD!

If He cares about the little sparrows and provides them food, how much MORE do you think He cares for you, one of His creation, whom He created in His Own Image. Wow! what a blessing!!!

I do so hope I have not been "preachy". I never meant to make you feel like that or that I am judging you in any way.....I am Not!

Like said earlier, I would have to judge myself first and foremost if that were the case.

I am going to be praying for you and anxiously awaiting for that report very soon that you are FREE from that fear.

Hope we're still friends.
Patti in NC May a happy, pain free day stroll into your tomorrow!!
 
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NeNe_11 responded:
Denise here..........can't sleep, again this is the second night in a row. Im cutting pills, drinking warm milk & trying to see what I have in my arsenal to help.My legs are screaming mad & my upper back & neck are sooo tense & tight-I just want to start screaming & throwing stuff across the rooms-I am in a search & destroy mode right now at 3:30am.
Yes, I also feel like i am slipping deep into the pit as well. My sleep is all I have whrn it comes to the crappy disease & when that goes away, I have nothing so I go out of my mind. Ive never had adequate pain meds, therefore, sleeping with meds that always worked but right now are not,has me insane-even after just two nights of being up all night.
I am having so much anxiety right now-my mother is 87 & into her 2nd week of radiation for skin cancer-she will go for another2 -3 weeks. She doesnt drive & my dad has been too weak to take even though it s just a 10 minute ride. Then, dad wind up in the same hospital for 3 days with all kinds of issues-he's 92. My job is to drive, arrange treatment plans & car service for mom & see dad to keep up on what test have been done etc...He forgets so I have to get this all from a nurse on a daily basis. I got collections ringing my phone all day long am Still waiting to hear when my day in disability court will be. Probably 2012-thats how slow they are.
Oh sorry, Ive rambled way too much Im truthfully up when I should be sleeping & this really ticks me off.
God, I am crying out to you....Give me strength
Hugs-really soft ones-Deinse
 
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Pony8 replied to NeNe_11's response:
Hi Denise, I'm up too, Patti in NC. It's strange because I was off the site and just felt to get back on for one more "lurk".

I feel so awful for you. What you are going through in trying to be there for your folks too. You are so brave and a daughter to be so very proud of and I'm sure they are deep inside.

I understand what you are going through. Not just because of the FM and CFS, but, having to be caretaker for both parents at once. My Mom was in nursing home with Alzhimers and, then, my Dad had part of one foot and the leg below the knee on the other side removed. He was at one of end of the Nursing home for rehab. and Mom was at the other end.

I live an hours drive from them, me in NC, them in Va. I drove each and every day so I could take care of their needs, buy a few grocery goodies for the little fridge in Mom's room and do what I could for my Dad at the same time. That was the longest 2 years of my life. But also the richest!

When Dad got home, I had to go by there, buy his groceries and take care of the cat.
I'm a dog lover so that was a tough job for me and the cat showed no love or appreciation at all. LOL!

Then it was off to the Home to be with Mom for awhile. I decorated her room for each holiday, but never got around to my own home for those holidays.

Pain or no pain, we do what we have to do, just because we know it's the RIGHT thing to do. Try to remember that what we do for others will come back around to us at some point in our lives.

There were times of desparation as you are going through. Good cries and a scream in private once in awhile helped.

But, what you did at the end of your post is the ONLY thing that really helps seal the deal. Crying out to God is never ignored.
He hears and answers in a way that will be the best for us. You prayed for strength and that is just what He will give you.

There will be days, as you well know, when you cry out to Him and you will look back days later and somehow can't remember how you got through them, but you did.

It's kind of like angel's wings that you can't see or even always feel, but they are there and they lift you up and carry you through, just like the "footsteps in the sand" poem.

You aren't "rambling" you are crying out to those who listen, understand and will help hold you up through prayers, as I will do for you. Each response from one of us is God's way of handing out those "soft" hugs you so desparately need. With each response and hug, God is saying to you, I love you so much child and I am sending you hugs and encouragement from other of my children.
Just receive them and keep them in your heart until the next one and the next one, and so on, comes along.

As I told Soophie, God is GOOD, He can't be anything else and He only does GOOD for His children. You are His child, created in His image. You are special and precious in His sight and what you do for your parents, you are doing as unto Him.

Grab hold to His promise that you WILL make it through this storm and the next and the next. No "pit" is too deep that He can't lift you out of and no hurt is so bad He cannot heal it.

Just remember each time you do something for your parents you make God smile with pride in you, His child. He knows it isn't easy, but, He knows you are strong and He can TRUST you with the task set before you. Pretty awesome isn't it? God trusts US with His assignments? Sounds like "Mission Impossible", but, with God NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE.

God bless this precious one of Yours and give her a peaceful night of rest. May she wake up more refreshed than ever before.
May she feel Your loving arms around her and the soft touch of Your hand caressing her cheek as You wipe away her tears and her weariness with one TOUCH OF THE MASTERS HAND!

God be with you, Denise
Keep on keeping on my friend, as God continues to use you in a special ministry of love to your parents. I know you will rise above that pit of despair holding onto His hand for support.

Blessings, love and laughter,
Patti in NC May a happy, pain free day stroll into your tomorrow!!
 
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jrae922 responded:
Hi Soophie,

I think that NancyB had some great suggestions but I would like to add that I think your fear of dying must be related to your mother's untimely passing, and probably to your PTSD. Not that anxiety about a limited ability to participate in life events isn't part of it, too - but I think what you are referring to is not related to your FM.

I agree with Caprice - continue with cognitive behavior therapy. It does help, even if it does not cure your anxiety.

Although I am not very religious, I always say that God doesn't give you anything you can't handle. You are strong - keep fighting. And take a hard look at your life and make some decisions about what is most important. You can't do everything, so focus on what matters most to you.

Take care, good luck and (((Hugs))) to you!

Jessie


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