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Needing Guidence
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Bellagirl31 posted:
3 days ago my sister left her husband and I let her come and stay with me with her 2 children, dog, and guniea pigs(these things creep me out). She knows my condition and has helped me in the past but my routine has gotten all screwed up and I haven't slept since they moved in. I am trying to be supportive, cooking dinner and taking care of her kids in the evenings, but she seems to have forgotten that I am in pain, ALWAYS. To top things off I was bitten by a spider and have been in and out of the hospital and doctors because it is on a nerve on my face. She has failed to see this. I feel like I am being selfish but I am truly feeling a flare up coming on if I don't get some resemblance of my routine back. I have a one bedroom starter home, very small, I can't get any peace to even try to doze off. She comes home and just sits and doesn't help me with her kids. How do I talk to her without sounding like I am not being supportive????? Help
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DakotaWilsonFM responded:
I would just sit and tell her the way things are... and the canges tat have to be made... I know it is hard to think you are adding to her hardship but she can't be allowed to add to yours and with a flare hitting you need help too... and I believe all matters can be dealt with using unconditional love and true compassion...

I was always unable to stand up for myself until I had to learn to put me and my needs first... now it may be hard still but I can approach the matter at hand when needed... I found myself helping others bypassing my needs all the time... but found out the only one saying thank you was me... and I had no one to thank but myself... If I was going to fulfill my own needs I had to put them first and ask for help when needed...

It wasn't an easy change to make within myself but when I can I pat myself on my back for doing so... and recently it has been great... a much needed change lol...

I know thru your compassion and unconditional love you can get thru to her... I will keep you in my thoughts... ope you feel better very soon and can get the rest you need right away...

Bless you... Gentle and soft hugs... Love... Jan/Dakota
 
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xperky responded:
It sounds like you need to support each other, not just one way. Sit down with her, tell her you love her and support her, and ask for her to understand your health situation. Tell her that is how you can continue on without getting a flare.

I'm sure she is depressed right now, so that might explain why she just sits there. Understandable.

How old are the kids? Can they learn a routine of helping a little around the house? Walk the dog, clean the guinea pig cages, pick up dishes, etc?

Take a few hours a day to shut the bedroom door, put out a "do not disturb" sign and nap!

You deserve kudos for helping your sister.
With Compassion,
Margaret
 
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ggladieux responded:
You are not being selfish by any stretch, it seems to me that your sister has taken full advantage of you. Express how you feel and if she doesn't listen or won't change then ask her to leave. I understand that this might be the hardest thing. I allowed my stepdaughter and a long time family friend to move in with me it was the biggest mistake I ever made. When I lost my job of nearly 7 years, instead of being supportive of me, they kept pushing me further and further into despair. Fortunately my father and mother allowed me to move in with them until I could get on my feet again. Do not allow your sister to do the same to you, ask her what her plans are as far as moving into a new place with her children. I hope this helps you, you always have friends here with us.
 
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1wareaglefan replied to ggladieux's response:
I agree with all...you certainly are NOT being selfish! You're taking her in, for goodness sakes. You do need to have a talk and explain about your health and limitations. She does need to be helping you out. I think what you're doing for her is wonderful!
 
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Bellagirl31 responded:
An update from the weekend....................I expressed my concerns to my sister and since my other sister and I help also with the care of my father whom is paralyzed it gave me a little break from her this weekend. My mother went to Nashville for 6 days to see her mother in the hospital. Although caring for my father is stressful I did get a nap. I returned home this morning though and found my home a complete and utter disaster. Sink full of dishes, clothes everywhere, FOOD left out, and the animals going crazy. I woke my sister up and asked what happened and she said she went to sleep and was going to cleanup this week............WHAT? I am trying to be understanding and have been reading everyone's posts this weekend but geeezz, her 4 year old and 13 year old are suffering here. I told her that she and I will be having a discussion this evening. I am concerned for her but I finally after 9 months got the dragon under control and the pain is getting intolerable. She says she knows my triggers and wants to help prevent but then no action to prevent them.
 
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maryalc replied to Bellagirl31's response:
OH MY GOSH! I am suffering reading about all this! I too am sending you my sympathy and good wishes. However, I am also the past victim of too much "do goodness". In fact, it helped me to become so very sick I think. I know I have had virus' and just doing too much did not give me chronic fatigue syndrome/fibromyalgia, but it sure didn't help.
Until I could learn to say no, and ask for help and look out for myself, I couldn't get any better. There was a time when I was nearly bed ridden. couldn't do much. Now I am able to go shopping, do household chores, join a couple groups, and enjoy a semi normal life at 69 with chronic health issues.
One thing I know for sure is that keeping to a routine really helps keep the dragon down a lot! If I even have my grandchildren over for a few hours or overnight, I am much more tired for days. And they are 11, 13, and 15! No real care needed. In fact, they can walk to Starbuck's and get me coffee!
The situation at your house is not good medicine for you, and you add that you help with the care of your dad. Whew! It is good and noble to aid a hurting family member, but everything I know says you need to set boundaries for your own health and sanity. I know how very hard it is for me when my adult step son visits, and he and my husband stay up late talking. Just loosing a little sleep is awful for my condition.
Your illness will benefit both by being a loving sister, and by helping your sister help HERSELF. I also know this from being a single parent and having to start over on my own with young children. It is hard, but it is good to learn how to go forth and do it. No one let me move in with them in my family. They listened, and helped with child care. No money was offered. I had to get strong and it has helped me ever since! God bless, and good luck. Mary
 
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xperky replied to Bellagirl31's response:
Oh no! That seems like too much - to come home and find such a mess. I swear, if I were a guest in someone's house, brought my kids and pets too, I would push myself to make sure the other person's home was at least as tidy as normal - on a daily basis.

I hope your talk went well.
With Compassion,
Margaret
 
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Bellagirl31 replied to xperky's response:
We had our talk and she asked the grandmother on his side to pickup the kids for a few days to give me relief. Something got through. My routine isn't completely normal but she vows to get it together, considering she was the one putting the pain patches on my back that night, and find a place this weekend. A little relief with the help of grandma. I just hope she does. We will see but I am truly hopeful.
 
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xperky replied to Bellagirl31's response:
Oh good. I'm so glad you communicated your needs, AND she understood you. Hopefully you can catch some rest now and avoid a big flare.

I also hope your sister is doing OK as she moves ahead with her life. She must be going through some hard feelings and I imagine you are helpful there.

Guinea Pigs with the kids? LOL...
With Compassion,
Margaret


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