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Just Reaching to the only people who seem to understand...
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crystallou01 posted:
I have about reached my wits end....
I'm so frustrated right now and I feel so absolutely alone, which is absurd! I' writing on this discussion board as a last ditch effort. This is the point I'm at right now...
I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired. Same old story, I guess. I really hate to complain about it, but just when I thought it couldn't get worse, it did. This past weekend was possibly the worst flare I have ever had since having been diagnosed a few years back. I feel like I'm slowly but surely turning into a recluse. I encourage my family to do activities without me because I drag them down. There is no way that I can keep up with all of them and all of the activities that normal school age children participate in. I'm so tired of missing graduations, concerts, 4H presentations, I feel like I'm missing everything! If I make myself go, which I do try to, I end up regretting it for the next three days...bare minimum...This past weekend I slept all day saturday, saturday night, sunday, and most of sunday night...I'm really so embarrassed to even be posting this...I feel like such a lousy person! My kids can't even touch me! Neither can my husband for that matter. I feel like a burden--my poor husband took care of the kids all weekend and set up babysitters so I could rest----this isn't the first time, and I feel so bad about it. I know none of us can help the fact that we have fibro, but I absolutlely hate these limitations. I cry all the time, my self worth is down, I miss my children, I miss my husband, I can't go to the doctor because I don't have the money, I am not taking anything other than a B vitamin complex...and I still haven't been able to get the savella back since my last post! I don't want pity, and I am so sad that other people have to go through this too, but I just don't know what to do anymore. My husband tries to understand, but I guess I just don't know how to shake the self doubt and the horrible feelings I have because I can't do all I used to do. My husband says we're going to the doctor, but we can't afford it. Quite frankly, I'm not sure when we can. I feel like I'm falling down a tunnel and my life is staying at the top and I'm falling to the bottom. I can hear and see everything that's going on---I just can't be a part of it.I pray constantly, but lately, I've been too tired to do anything. I hope you are all having "good" days.

Sincerely,
Crystal Lou
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dakotaspirit1957 responded:
Dearest Crystal Lou...


I am so sorry you are having a bad time right now... It is hard to deal with all the pain when you feel the way you do... Alone... A recluse... A lousy person... Hun you are none of these... You aren't alone for we are here for you and that also solves being a recluse... And I doubt seriously that you qualify as a lousy person... From reading your message you came across as a very caring and loving person...


Hun... The pain can take so much away from us but we must not let it take our self worth... Our belief in ourselves... Our love for ourselves... We must hold strong to the knowledge and belief that on the inside in our heart and soul we are still the same loving... compassionate... caring... True to oneself and others... person... I am still Me and You are still You... Yes some things changed... But I look at those things and I like to see them as growth... I learned how to handle anger better... and disappointment better... I learned to accept or try to accept limitations and life's changes better... I also learned I am human and I don't always wake up dealing and accepting with my pain and illnesses... Sometimes I am sick and tired of being sick and tired... And on days like that I give myself permission to feel this way for a short period of time... Then I do things I know will get me out of this depressive mood...


Like... I come here... Even if it is just to read... I relate to posts and I know others are feeling the same way I am... Sometimes I let them now and writing them and helping others helps me dig out of it... Or... I read my bible... Especially where Jesus carried his cross for us... I remember I am carrying my cross for my Lord and witnessing his love and mercy... For I may be in pain today but I am a cancer survivor of over 12 years now... After having 7 bouts of cancer since I was 19 years old... I think that is pretty miraculous... Especially since I was never to have children and had 3 living... and was suppose to die 4 times and beat it... I can live with the pain of today for it reminds me that I am alive... And that is most important...


When I hear someone feeling the way you do it makes me want to cry with you... No one should cry alone... I am so glad I found this group for I know I don't cry alone... People care and share unconditional love here and that is just so wonderful in my book... I hope you keep coming back... If only to read... Sometimes that is all I can do... That and an occasional daily check in... I find it very very important to my recovery and health...


Please accept yourself as you are today... and accept your illnesses... And you can find happiness again... I don't do this a day at a time but I do accomplish it a moment at a time and sometimes a second at a time... I need to accept and love me first before I an love my loved ones and be happy with them... Otherwise... yes... I miss them and feel alone even with them right there... And I believe it is harder on them for I am being hard on myself and being negative and depressed... That effects all of us... To be positive in front of others is giving them reason to return the attitude...


To accept your illness or illnesses as in my condition... May be difficult because of what it has done to our lives... But to me it is a must... I must get to know every one of them and know what I might expect... So... I research... each and every one of them... And I see where they over lap... What makes them stand out and different... How they effect one another... The more I learn day by day... I understand me better and accept me and my illnesses better and live happier and can help others more...


I hope I have helped a little... Sorry if I rambled... lol... Take care... Love... Jan/Dakota
 
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1wareaglefan responded:
Hi, Crystal, I just wanted to let you know that I understand. I'm feeling so tired that it's hard to muster the energy or "want to" to accomplish anything. I don't know if it's the fibro or just the way I've let myself become. This illness has robbed me of so much.

I wish I could be more uplifting and encouraging, but I guess I'll leave that to the others. Jan always does an awesome job of encouraging others. I just wanted to tell you you're not alone with these feelings.

Hugs, Elizabeth
 
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codytyler replied to 1wareaglefan's response:
Hi, come here anytime to vent and share with us, we do understand your pain. If you can't afford to go to the doctor, are there some low income or free clinics in your area that you could try that? I would also call the mfg of Savella direct and ask if they have a discount program for low income patients. I hope things will get better for you.
 
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dgoodw83 responded:
no today and yesterday i was feeling down myself and hate feeling like this but when the other person says they understand all u can think is how can u understand and u dont feel my pain. thats mean to think like that but its true. all i want is to feel better and have the life i used to have. my husband look at me like im lazy and talk to me half the time like im nothing, i told him to find another woman to make him happy cause i just feel like i cant do it anymore.


ps hugs go out to u


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