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What can I do to educate my daughter?
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crystalgreeneyes posted:
My daughter is 22. She moved home after graduating college. She is working full time, is very conscientious about that. Her boss loves her, she is always on time and never misses a day. She volunteers to do extra things or work when someone is away. She is so lovely and bright and has never been a problem for me. When she comes home from work she goes to her room and remains there most of the time. She comes down for dinner. Her room is constantly a mess. She has laundry piled up in the closet and she leaves dishes and water bottles all over the place. My problem is that she never helps me now that I really need someone to do so. I really try to keep the house clean, I make lovely meals every day and I bake a lot. She appreciates this. If I ask her to help out with dinner, she behaves as if it is a big chore. She never helps me clean or do anything else around the house. I probably wouldn't care that much because I am not working and I have time but I am so tired always and most of the time in pain. I have given her info about FMS and material to read but she stuck it in the drawer and didn't comment on it. When I mentioned this to my husband, all he said is "she works full time". We have a good relationship otherwise and I am never angry with her and I never shout but I am so hurt when she has the time and ability to help me out sometimes and she doesn't. What can I do? Please help.
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mnjeepguy responded:
Life is a balance, we give and we recieve. If we give more than we recieve we usually do it because it feels good. If we recieve more than we give we need to be aware and give back. If we are desperately in need we need help withought question. If we are able we need to give, for some day we will be in need and wish we had given more.

Be clear and honest. Most of us giving folks don't do that enough. If not reciprocated give less. Eventually they will take the hint.
 
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annette030 responded:
First thing, close her bedroom door. Then you do not have to look at her mess, and won't feel any need to pick up after her.

Does she pay room and board? She should. Perhaps then you could just use that money to pay a house cleaning service to clean your home. (Not her room though, she can do that herself!!!) Give yourself a break. Even if they only come every other week and do the heavy cleaning, it will really help you a lot.

It sounds like you have spoiled your family somewhat by doing everything for them, now they expect it of you. I don't think she even thinks about helping you, or about you being in pain all the time. I doubt she is a bad person, she is just clueless.

Take care, Annette
 
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crystalgreeneyes replied to annette030's response:
Thank you Annette. I do close her bedroom door, I stopped cleaning her room long ago. She is paying off her student loans herself which is huge. She does not get any help from us with that. I guess we feel we can't expect her to pay room and board as well. I enjoy doing things for her and I know she is spoiled but I just want to know how I can handle this issue with her without the constant nagging and threatening. When she goes away for the weekend I have made it clear that her room must be clean before she leaves and she does it. I have only myself to blame because I probably wouldn't give it a thought if I didn't have FMS.
 
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pcarebear responded:
Hi! I'm actually close to your daughter's age so maybe I can give a different point of view? At that time I was so focused on getting a job, internship, studying for GREs, finding the right masters program and what to master in I suffered from tunnel vision. With Fibro, I think my tunnel vision has changed but more so due to eliminating stress. I heard about a great movie called "Living with Fibromyalgia" that is meant to help families understand what their loved ones are going through. Maybe you could rent it and watch it with her one on one. Don't tell her what it is about, just say it's an awesome movie and pop it in the DVD player. I find a movie can talk more than a brochure, maybe this could help?

Don't feel bad, I'm actually in a reverse situation where my mother sometimes forgets I'm no longer her healthy daughter anymore. I used to do the heavy lifting and cleaning and now I'm proud of myself if I can clean the dishes. Best wishes!
 
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crystalgreeneyes replied to pcarebear's response:
Thank you for your reply. I am glad to hear your point of view. I am so sorry that you are suffering with this condition at your age.
My daughter has a job and she is not continuing any study. She has a boyfriend and lots of friends so certainly her life seems to be in balance and she seems happy. She avoids any confrontation and it's also difficult for me to try and discuss any of the issues I am dealing with. I used to do everything too and I am sure you are right in saying that she "forgets" that I am simply not capable of doing those same tasks any longer. However, I cook and clean, wash, iron, I bake cookies and cakes, make her a lunch almost every day and drive her to and from work on the days that I can get up at 6.30. It just hurts so much that she can't see simple things that need to be done, like unloading the dishwasher, stocking up the items that run out in the bathroom etc. etc.
Where might I find the movie you mentioned? I don't know how I would deal with a reverse situation but I know as her mother I would be there every step of the way with all the support she required just as I am there for her now with everything.
You have achieved so much. Good for you! I wish you the best.


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