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How do I talk to my mom?
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An_249602 posted:
I only have 4000 characters to explain. This will be interesting.

I was diagnosed with FMS 3.5 years ago, and UC almost 2 years ago. I had to start working for my parents shortly after being diagnosed, due to pain and fatigue. Things were fine for a little while, but then my mom started getting very... unsupportive. She is not technically my boss (I don't feel like) though she does have her name on the company. She likes to stick her fingers in even though she doesn't really know what is going on.

Part of what is really great for me with working for my parents is that I can work how I want, and how my body requires me to. If I have four hours of work to do, I can spread it out, taking frequent breaks, allowing my mind to wander, my body to rest, etc. When my mom is not at her day job, she forces me to work how she sees fit. She doesn't recognize that I only work four hours every day, and she wants me working every second. My body doesn't work that way. I need to be able to relax and let my mind wander and use my heating pad, and yes, sometimes nap.

I have tried explaining the nature of Fibro to her, but she thinks if I can be sitting here watching TV, why can't I be working? She constantly treats me like I should be working faster, harder, better, and forgetting that I have a condition that is not only physical, but mental too. Yes mom, sitting here in the chair (where I normally work from via laptop) does cause me pain too.

I feel like if I lay down the law with her, she will turn on the waterworks and turn me into the bad guy. She may even fire me. I have tried the spoon theory, but she still doesn't understand. To make matters worse, she has recently been diagnosed with Psoriasis, so any discussion we have generally deteriorates into a "I'm sicker than you" contest (instigated by her) which I refuse to get into.

Today, I finally prioritized a fairly large project, and she shot down the whole thing. It took me forever to figure out how it would work for me to get it done, and now she is telling me how horrible of an idea it is...

I am at the point where being around her for an extended period of time is enough to cause me immense amounts of stress. It doesn't even have to be work related. If I know she will be "supervising me" at work, I cry all morning until I get to work... mostly from stress.

Does anyone have any ideas on how to talk to my mom, to tell her with some sense of finality that I am NOT a healthy person, I really am trying my best, and to just, back off? Thanks in advance.
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dollbug responded:
Hello and welcome.....MiMi in NC....sorry that you are dealing with so much right now.....It does take a trial and error process to find the right combination of *tools* that will help you to cope better.....you did not say what you have tried yet....but I am sure that there is something out there that will help manage your pain better....

No one actually understands what we FMers go through....the doctors do not understand...family and friends do not understand....unless they have walked in our shoes for a while....I do not think anyone truly *gets it*....(sorry that I can not help you with this part)....heck, there are days when I do not even understand what is going on with me and I have been dealing with the wrath of the dragon since 2005. So if we do not even understand it how in the world do we really think anyone else will?

You do not say how old you are but I am assuming you are young. My heart goes out to any and all young people who are faced with the challenge of trying to *deal* with this mean and ugly illness every day. I can not even imagine. I am now 60 years old. I am a mother to 3 grown children and a MiMi to 3 grandchildren....

I would like to encourage you to be sure and ask your doctor to check your Vitamin D level, which is important to a lot of people these days....low Vitamin D can cause additional pain and it can also affect other illnesses as well. It is a simple blood test....BUT you MUST ASK the doctor to run it, as it is not included in the normal bloodwork that the doctors do....

I can tell you that *stress* is *BEST FRIENDS with FM*....and this alone can cause us to have to deal with a lot of pain. So try to find some way to manage your stress.

We, FMers here, all know and understand what you are dealing with.

We also must learn how to pace, pace and pace even more....this is a MUST....and this can also help us in so many ways.

I hope you will check out the info here under *tips* and *resources* as I am sure you will find something that perhaps you have not thought of trying before.

I can only hope that your family will indeed try to learn more about FM and just how it can affect people's lives....and if not, then I hope you can figure out something that will work for you.

Take care and good luck.


MiMi
IN GOD WE TRUST....MAY GOD BLESS AND GUIDE AMERICA....

My personal exchanges are Vitamin D and Pain and Wrath of the Dragon....if you care to visit..
 
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An_249602 responded:
I am fairly young (25). I have tried a few things for pain, but nothing really helps, and nothing touches the cognitive issues.

Amitriptyline and pregabalin both gave me pretty bad side effects for very little payoff. Cymbalta and Lyrica are out because I can't afford them (low pay and no benefits). Massage and acupuncture help sometimes, but they are also costly, and with low pay and no benefits, it is hard to get treatments often enough to make a difference. I had been taking Guaifenesin for a while, but I stopped taking it while I went on a trip, and I had to start all over again with loading it into my system. And I have tried various multi-vitamins, etc.

Right now, I can take Tramacet when I get in pain (I am resistant to getting into opioid medicines) but then I am either napping the day away, or feeling like I should go wander around on the moon because it is just a good idea.

I have exercise induced asthma and an atrial septal defect, so exercising is really a tricky endeavour.

Right now, my go-to for pain is rest and heat. That is all I can afford.
 
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Anon_2912 responded:
I would find another job..
 
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1wareaglefan responded:
I think your mother needs to go to a doctor appointment with you, so she can hear firsthand from him what you go through. Either that or, like the other poster said, find another job. That job (or mother) stress is doing you no good.
 
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An_249602 responded:
Thanks for the replies everyone. Unfortunately, another job isn't an option. I can't work anywhere else, I have tried multiple times to keep working, to work from home, nothing ever pans out. People don't understand that this isn't a flu and I won't just magically get better one day.

Mom has been with me to appointments. She sees me cringe as I shift position or try to get moving. She knows I can't go up and down the stairs. The only thing I can think of is that she doesn't believe me. And I feel like there is nothing I can do to make her understand even a little bit more.

My husband gets it, as much as someone without the condition can... so I know it is possible for people to understand that yes, I am in a lot of pain. No, I don't really know what I am thinking or saying at any given moment, and yes, I did sleep 10 hours last night, and I am still tired.

It is just... very hard to deal with. I can't afford to stop working. Disability is not an option right now, and this job is stressing me more than it is worth. Still open to any advice for talking to her...
 
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lb707 replied to An_249602's response:
If another job is not an option and she will not open her mind to an attitude adjustment then it is up to you to change how you perceive her.

You do not need her approval or her permission to be sick. When someones view point will not be changed then you have to change how you view her opinion. Hard to do when your job is on the line

I spent years trying to get my Mother's approval and then just gave up when I was helped to see my Mom had to treat me as an adult. It took a while but I had to teach her to treat me as an adult. I will always be her daughter but I am her adult daughter.

I am so glad you have an understanding husband as you need someone in your corner.

lauarb
 
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booch007 responded:
Good morning,

I haven't read anyone elses responses but i have got a bit to say....

First I thought of our spoon theaory (I am sorry that didn't help) maybe try again.

We own a business and I have to say having my children run it and "be in the moment there" is hard. They are healthy as I know it...but they are both so different and there are issues. I needed to call a family meeting as anger between all was a problem.

IT IS SO HARD TO WORK WITH OR FOR FAMILY....

I can't say that enough. We abuse eachother...we look that they should do things at times and that they are pacing at their own pace, we expected different from them THIS IS NORMAL, it is normal because we can. Love is in there and they know you are not going anywhere...all the frustrations go to the loved one, not the regular staff.

To hear that mom has developed psoriasis is big for me....that is stress effecting the immune system for her. So she is carrying more then you are aware of. I am not taking sides, I am just leveling this playing field.....I think it is not a good thing to work for your family. No one understands this....your doctor may help with the issues a bit with Mom...but maybe you allso need to look at the business end of it and what is Mom carrying? Are numbers down? Are bills being met? Her stress load....

Is Dad in this, what is his take? That is why I called a Mandatory STAFF meeting at my home (no wives...just us) I gave each a platform to speak and get out the issues and gave the other the open time to respond. IT WENT SO WELL. I heard things I didn't want to hear but i just kept a management style to myself like when i was leadership at the Hospital.....

Family dynamics are tough and when you mix in emotion and illness is gets even stickier.......is there an arbitrator you can use to all sit down and run the meeting and talk to eachother?

Since that meeting, my one son branched back to finance and is SO happy...the other son is running the store HIS way and is SO happy and my husband is JUST WORKING with them....

Grateful I stepped in as tears were flowing with the discord that was going on. You think this working together is a good thing until working together is REAL....

I wish you all the luck in the world, this is tough stuff, but I would try the meeting with someone else in control and handling the conversation so all can be put on the table. Communication is often the key in anything....

BTW: My oldest son started with psoriasis and it was why I took over the problems to get it all fixed. He still has the problem but ther are only two small lesions now and hoping as he mends himself from the stress/trauma he will reset his immune system.

Good luck. There are two sides to a coin, two or more approached to a problem and no matter what: communication is the answer so many times. Hoping you can get it done and it is helpful and not hurtful in the end. Hugs, Nancy B


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