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Should I discuss my husband's verbal abuse with my daughter?
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crystalgreeneyes posted:
My husband has had anger issues for a long time. He has not mellowed with age but has become worse. This anger can be over any small thing, it occurs daily and is sometimes frightening. My daughter (22) is well aware of his behaviour although she is rarely on the receiving end. In fact even when she does something that angers him, he takes it out on me. She hides her shopping from him and tells small fibs in order to avoid his wrath. I have a hard time dealing with this more than ever now that I have fibro. The anxiety makes me feel so much worse. He has absolutely no respect for me and even now I am taken aback at times by his explosions that come out of nowhere. I know he needs counselling but he won't go. He doesn't hit me after all (verbal and emotional abusers all say that) My daughter will not likely do anything but I suppose I expect her to stand up for me a bit and maybe tell him how she feels. She hates confrontation and so does he. It is never a good time to talk to him. He's resting, watching tv, too tired, just got home from work etc.
I wish it were that easy for me to leave.
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lb707 responded:
I am a bad one to ask......I had been married almost 10 years and had four very young children and verbal abuse was bad add in the alcohol and other behaviors and I said get help or get out.

That caused the physical abuse and other women so out he went. Left me in bad shape and dependent upon public assistance for a few years. It was hard but necessary for the mental health of my children. They do not realize what life would've been like if he stayed so some of them still blame me for the loss of their father. I do not try to explain anymore....their father had mental issues and WOULD not get help.

I did not rush into this and did plan for it for almost 2 years. It was not easy but better than the alternative. Three of the four gainfully employed but one has the mental illness and addiction problems

I went on to work for 19 more years til out on SSD and did remarry after they were raised.
lauab
 
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dollbug responded:
Hello.....MiMi in NC....I do not think, if I were you, that I would discuss the verbal abuse with your daughter.....as it just might interfere with your relationship with her at a later time.....but I would find someone who you trust to speak to....I think everyone has some sort of *issues* at one time or another in their lifetime. I know that I certainly have had my share of a lot of them.

Do you have a good friend, pastor or someone else that you can trust? Have you tried to talk to your DH about how you feel? It is sad when some people do not seem to understand that communication is the key to making the world go round. Perhaps he also has something that is an issue as well and does not know how to deal with it.

Since you have a 22 year old daughter I am assuming you have been married a very long time. Life is so very short as it is. I hope that you can soon get things worked out for the best, whatever that might be.

Take care and good luck.


MiMi
IN GOD WE TRUST....MAY GOD BLESS AND GUIDE AMERICA....

My personal exchanges are Vitamin D and Pain and Wrath of the Dragon....if you care to visit..
 
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Anon_2912 responded:
I would never discuss marital problems with my son (19), unless it is absolutely necessary.

I would as stated find a close friend, pastor, or even sisters if you have any.
 
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Anon_10089 responded:
Hello and sorry for what you go through. In my pure opinion (that being key), I think you cannot expect your daughter to stand up for you. Yes, that would be nice, but she is probably reacting in a way that her environment has taught her to react. I think it makes you feel upset that she is not doing certain things for you but I bet she doesn't even realize you have some of those expectations for her. Why would she want to make her life more unpleasant when she's figured out ways around the anger? Maybe she feels like she's protecting you from being the butt of his anger by not standing up to him.

From reading some of your other posts, I think I understand that you wish your daughter would help you more. Have you asked her to do specific things? It sounds like some of your anxiety comes from being disappointed that your daughter does not help you. I guess my point is that you obviously have huge issues with your husband that he is not addressing. Maybe you will not ever be able to change that and it is truly awful. But perhaps some of your angst can be relieved by taking your daughter out of the equation. If you need help around the house, put a couple chores for her in writing so there's no guess work for her.

You could possibly get free counseling from a womens shelter in your area. It might not cure your situation, but you could find support from others and maybe not crave so much support from your daughter.

I hope things get better for you. I also hope you know that all of our comments come from caring. It's a little awkward to give and receive advice in written form!
 
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katmandulou responded:
I wouldn't talk with her about it unless she asks. She knows it's happening, and she's afraid of him or she wouldn't tip toe around him. It's not good for either of you

You still need someone to talk to. I want to you to think right now of who that person could be - a doctor, friend or clergy person you trust, a women's shelter is a great idea. I know that some insurance programs put you through hoop to get them to ay for counseling, and you need to start now, not when they can fit you in.

We're here to make suggestions, but we're not professional counselors. You're in my prayers,
Lou
 
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crystalgreeneyes replied to katmandulou's response:
Thank you everyone for your replies. It could be that my daughter doesn't have a lot of respect for me for staying with him. I like to talk about issues that affect all of us and this issue does. It's not just my marital problem. He wanted her to do something on the computer for him once and when she did it wrong he had a fit and made her do it over and then again and again until she was in tears. I was very angry about this and he hasn't really done it to her since. When she bumped the car, he was angry with me.
I will try to find someone to talk to. I know I sound like a terrible mess but I get up at 6.00 almost every day (can't sleep anyway), shower and put on makeup and do my hair like always. Try to dress nicely..always trying ...
 
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xperky replied to crystalgreeneyes's response:
Crystal, I think a professional counselor can help you with that question. There are two sides to the coin. On the one side, if noone discusses the situation with your daughter, then she might find herself in a similar relationship later in life, and not know ways to react. On the other side, if you say negative things to her about her father, she might resent that. That's why I say a professional might be the best option.
With Compassion,
Margaret
 
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crystalgreeneyes replied to xperky's response:
Thank you Margaret. Your response really addressed the basis of my concern. I am so worried that this will affect my daughter's future relationships. She doesn't seem to know how to stand up to anyone's anger. She deals with the public and sometimes people are very rude and obnoxious and I know that she becomes very defensive. I don't say negative things about him, she can see very well what he's like and she has shown shock and dismay over some of the things he has said to me. I worry for her. The world is a tough place to be nowadays and I won't always be around for her to lean upon.
I called a minister in my area whom I hope will offer some counselling. I can't afford professional therapy at this time.
Thank you all for your responses. I had a terrible few days but I feel good today.


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