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    An_250346 posted:
    I have had fibromyalgia and Sjogren's for years, been on disability for a year, can't clean, work, or much of nothing do to due pain, can only take narcotic, I'm allergic to all the fibro meds. My husband has taken really good care of me over the years. The problem is now he has had to get 2 stents for blocked heart arteries and finally stopped smoking aafter 40+ years and is still short of breath and now he is not working and seeing doctors to deal with his lung problems, but now I'm having to do all the housework, laundry, cooking, etc. that I couldn't do before and it's like he thinks I am suddenly healed and am able to do these things. But it is killing me. I am in so much pain I am having to take more and more meds and I'm afraid of addiction. How do I make him understand that just because now that he is sick doesn't mean that I am well and this is just making me worse? I feel like I'm drowning.
    BetteK responded:
    An, can you get outside help in your home? Do you have kids, friends, or neighbors who can help? Judging by the length of your marriage, can you call your county office for the aging and get a helper to come in a few days a week?

    Are there ways to make the work easier? My washer and dryer are in the kitchen; it's noisy but convenient. On a really good day, I rearranged my kitchen cabinets putting the stuff I really use on the easiest shelf.

    If you live in a house, is a senior apartment a better option for you? Somebody else mows the grass, shovels the snow, and maintains the outside of the building.

    There are ways to lighten your load. I bet you can think of loads more than I listed. Talk to hubby dearest about this too. I bet he could help you streamline your house to make it much easier to maintain. Again, get whatever help you can muster to help you de-clutter.

    If you read my comment on anger, you'll know I sympathicize with you in this. However, solutions are more practical than sympathy. I hope you can use some of these.

    Towards better days,

    booch007 responded:
    Communication is the healer of most things. Sit down and talk to him.

    I also want to say that...the stents may not be open and he needs more work. It happens that you get acute closure in the begining after stents are placed, despite the plavix and aspirin you clot them off a bit. HE MUST GET BACK TO CARDIOLOGY to be checked. Don't blame the breathing on the smoking as the LAD the vessel in the front of the heart is known for shortness of breath as its symptom.

    Tell him not to DIE from need him around.

    There is also a cleaning out of the lungs after stopping smoking where symptoms like coughing and major phlegm worse before better......but he needs to be followed.

    For you, do what you can...pace yourself. I can only do things from 9-1pm and then I rest. Heat pad, recliner...big water and maybe a nap. Or I go out and get in the sun and distract myself.....Go slow and learn what is worst for you and do it in one day only...then things like vaccuming (only thing I do in one day) big trigger...laundry..only thing for the day. The rest dishes and counters and bathroom can be pooled together.

    I medicate after the work is finished and that could be even just 600 of motrin going by how I feel....

    Good luck with all of this, I worry more of DH then for you. But you need to slow down and pace the projects at hand.

    It is a learning process and BTW my husband has 5 stents and he worries the dickens out of me, but he is tuned up as much as I can fix him....It actually should make them feel much better when the muscle of the heart is getting more it sounds like a RED FLAG to me that somehitng is up there.
    Maybe even an ECHO at the office can help them see* what is up.

    (P.S: 35years in Cardiology and ICU background..been there saw that) Good luck from the bottom of my heart.......Nancy B
    bjhaught replied to BetteK's response:
    Thanks, not old enough for senior living yet, early fifities, I'm just dealing with it, doing what I can, his heat is fine, been to the cardiologist 3 times, his only problem now is shortness of breath and I keep telling him you can't get over 40 year of smoking in a few months but for some reason he still thinks I have to wait on him hand and foot, but I think the doctor is going to put him back to work next week so that will give me a couple of days of peace anyway.I'm just gonna start refusing to do things when I'm feeling bad, if the laundry doesn't get done, it just doesn't get done, etc. Right now I'm just too tired and I need some alone time.
    bjhaught replied to booch007's response:
    He has seen the cardiolgist 3 times and his heart is fine, his stents weren't in the LAD, but that is the artery I had the 100 percent blockage in 11 years ago and had bypass for and then had a heart attack last year and had to have the bypass stented last year. I never knew the LAD was called the widow maker until recently, surprised I didn't die with a 100 percent blockage. But anyhow, all his SOB is coming from 40 years of smoking and he needs to realize it's going to take a long time to get his lung function better after so much damage, but this should not stop him from cooking his own breakfast when I feel bad, doing some laundry like he used to, and not expecking a cooked dinner every night. We never did this before he had the heart problems, Why is it expected now. I have now developed a new symptom with my fibromyalgia that whenever I am exposed to heat my skin gets the sensation of being bitten by a million ants, so imagine what it feels like trying to cook in a hot kitchen with ants biting you, I may as well be in a torture chamber, and he knows this and still will ask for something that needs to be cooked in the over. I'm just venting. I'm hoping the doctor will put him back to work next week, that will give me at least two and a half days of peace and quiet. Thanks for your reply. Barb
    booch007 replied to bjhaught's response:
    Oh Barb, I really sense more to the story here..I am married 35 years and in that...there are things now that get* me with my life mate.

    Last night he took the receipt from the table that i signed that goes to the waiter...the waiter actually ran out to our car to get it. I was so mad...he just blew it off. I was so embarrassed, I took the one with the card.....there was no reason for him to touch it!

    What I am saying is, as you age...the little things start to get you. Things aren't funny anymore. Needs are bigger and again Comunication is the ya love him? Make compromises with him. Get the stents done and then talk about the shared responsibilities. He also sounds like he could use a pulmonologist to tune up his lungs and a support group RN led for pulmonary teaching (hospital based often) see the local hosp for community lectures on this subject.

    I don't know how old you are but the seniors may also have a resource for him to tune up (if he wants to) that is another whole dynamic.....he may pull back and "be sick-sicker" to get out of helping.....(mine does things wrong so I have to do it.)

    I am lucky to have him cook most of the time and I do everything else....laundry..yard..parties..projects and repairs. I medicate and move. Times i suffer he feels bad but he knows try so hard to do what I can.

    So, mate dynamics is a trip. You have to figure it out on your own and pick your battles, make peace with what is left for you and talk* about the issues as a whole. He might be feeling really lousy not breathing right with the heart issues right now.

    Can you pre-med before cooking? Bring a fan in the kitchen for the breeze to help you? Make one pot dishes or (I love my pressure cooker..plug in and leave it til it beeps and DONE!)

    Take the emotion out of it and make a plan to get it can trick this dragon we have in so many ways, but if I am pissed of at DH then it is so much harder to move forward.

    OK, off my soap box....maybe I said something useful, all said in love and care though. Hugs, Nancy B
    BetteK replied to bjhaught's response:

    My husband really believes the old German ways are best, (The Man is in charge. The Woman does his bidding--always.) But he has learned that I have just so much energy.

    Almost every night, I am up to scrubbing potatoes and throwing them in the microwave. I can line a tray with foil and slide meat, poultry or fish into the oven. I can make a simple salad, place a bowl of fruit on the table.

    If he wants his potatoes mashed, He peels and mashes them. If he wants his fish batter dipped and fried, He does the dipping and frying.

    Almost every night, I make a nutritious meal suitable for all of us including my diabetic hubby. If he wants to kill himself with foods he knows he shouldn't have, he's on his own. And, yes, there are days when I cannot prepare even the simplest meals. He can either cook himself or drive 10 miles to town for all the junk food he wants to buy.

    There are benefits to a 45 year marriage. You know who you are and what you can be expected to do.

    Towards better days,


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