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Much Much Needed Advice
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dakotaspirit1957 posted:
Yesterday was a special day alone with Ethan my grandson... We couldn't do much because I wasn't up much.. I am still getting a weird headache from the fall I took the other day... If I ice pack it I do feel better tho... But it sure hurts...

We were watching TV on the bed... And if my grandson jumps on the bed I am on it hurts so bad I see double... Needless to say he wasn't on the bed much longer... Gave him 2 chances not 3 to not jump...

I felt doubly bad for he was trying so bad to be good and I think he was just getting excited over the movie... And after last weekend when both he and his sister came back from their mom's bouncing off angry walls... We almost couldn't deal with it... Finally we discussed it and came up with a plan...

His sister is at his Mom's... So we are getting her back today again and he goes... I am prepared for the anger this time... I have a pillow all picked out... The first sign of twisted anger and I will hand it to her... Telling her she promised me to take her anger out on the pillow and beat it and not hurt me...

Hailey is 4 yrs old and Ethan is 5 yrs old.......

The advice needed is...

I don't know if I can tell them that I understand they can't get angry with their Mom...

I can't put her down like she does me in any way... And I think they will feel that I am acting like her... I know they are afraid she will leave if they get angry with her for they both told me so... And they told me they can get angry and take it out on us cuz we won't leave them... It is nice they have that knowledge... Especially with her trying to get Hailey to believe that if she is bad at home she will be sent to live with her... Didn't work... We told her we would keep her here and love her more... Anyway... I just wish they weren't going thru this... Why any mom would do this to her children is beyond me...

But should she expect anything else after deserting them 6 times now... She can't even take a vacation to see her sister without threatening "not to come back because I am mad at Nany and Daddy..." And then she wonders why Ethan won't talk to her and is mad... Poor baby has been threatened... And he thinks he is not good enough and thinks his Mommy is being mean to his Daddy and Nany... I thought it was the other way around... But he set me clear... It is the other way around with his sister... And she is trying everything she can to get Mommy to be happy with her... And us... So she will stay...And still come back home... But now she has been told that "Mommy won't move back home unless Nany and Uncle Richie move out and go live with Aunt Irene in New Mexico... It is Nany's fault I am not at home" When she is mad she constantly mentions that now... I don't say anything... I haven't figured out what to say... Her Daddy has told her that isn't true tho...

Part of me wants to tell them that I understand that they are mad at their mom and can't be mad at her so they come home with all the anger... And have to do something with it here... But I am afraid I will be like her in doing this... My question is would you tell them...

The only thing I have told them about their anger so far is that they can't get angry at one person and hurt another... That is when we brought the pillow into the picture... "If you want you can hit a pillow until you feel less angry and feel better..."

So that's pretty much it... Please help me with my poll... I so appreciate it...

Take care and Thank you... Love... Jan/Dakota

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Do I tell my grandchildren I understand they can't get angry at their Mom for she might leave again...
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BetteK responded:
Jan/Dakota,

Those little ones are so lucky to have you. And you are lucky to have them too. If you decide to talk to them about how you understand why they cannot get mad at their mother, you must be sure to reassure them in the next breath that you love them and will always love them. Do it on a day when you are physically able to hug them tight.

I envy you your grandchildren. It doesn't look like we'll be having any. Our sons are in their 40's both single, and show no interest in having children. The younger one is mentally ill and decided on a vasectomy for his 18th birthday. The older one is dating a woman in her 50's with grown kids. I like all of them, and would welcome a daughter-in-law and step-
granddaughters joyfully, but still wish for little ones.

Isn't it perverse how we always want what we cannot have?

Kiss those kids, hug them tight. Love them so much that they KNOW they are loved. Kids need that. So do you.

BetteK (in rural NY state)
 
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xperky responded:
Jan, I couldn't possibly think of better ideas than you regarding the kids. They are your grandchildren and it sounds to me like you give them unconditional love. That's something they really need. I also think they need those boundaries you set for good behavior. In the long run, they will be happier people because you were there for them. Gentle hugs your way.
With Compassion,
Margaret
 
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dollbug responded:
Dear Jan.....I hope and pray that your grandchildren already know just how lucky they are to have you in their corner of the world. I think children know more than we actually give them credit for. You are a good grandmother and you spend time with them. I think that they sense just how good you are to them.

As for dealing with their mother...I would not allow them to know that *she* bothers you in any way at all. She is their mother and they know this. She is the one who is trying to be the *controlling person*. I would just try to make sure that the children know that you will always and forever be there for them which I am sure you already do.

I think that the rest will work out in time.

Take care and good luck.


MiMi
IN GOD WE TRUST....MAY GOD BLESS AND GUIDE AMERICA....

My personal exchanges are Vitamin D and Pain and Wrath of the Dragon....if you care to visit..
 
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fibroinsd responded:
Jan..wish I had some good advice for you. I have no idea what to do...seems like you are between a rock and a hard place with your ex-DIL...I like that you have let the kids know that it is ok to be angry..but to take it out on the pillow...and that you are all kind of stuck dealing with what is...and that you are all dealing with it the best you can...sorry..I know that probably isn't much help..

cece
Let's put the fun back in dysfunctional !- Mary Englebright


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