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husband of fibro sufferer clueless and needs help how to help my wife
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An_251477 posted:

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how do you help your partner when they are having a bad flair up? can you use ice to cool the parts of where the flair up is most intense?
  • please help me
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xperky responded:
Well, first of all, offering to help is great! We all could use support when we hurt.

Tons of us use heating pads for relief. Plugging it in and bringing it over would be so nice. Ice works for red, inflamed areas, but we FMers don't as often suffer from inflammation. Many have multiple ailments though, so use whatever works.

It's nice to see a partner supporting the one with FM.
With Compassion,
Margaret
 
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rosielou responded:
We're all so different in our flares that it's tough to answer for your wife. Have you asked her what would help? Plus it might change as the pain moves around and/or intensifies. Heat is usually better than ice. Those big heated throws (brands like Sunbeam) are nice because they're like a huge body-size heating pad. I put mine on the chair and sit on it, my back loves it!

Then again her best help might be something like doing the vacuuming (for me, it hurts like h*ll to push and pull that thing) or make or bring in the meals. Just taking some things off her list might help a lot. Reducing stress with things like that is a huge help for me.

Getting the communication going can be tough, but it's part of dealing with this, or any other long term illness. I wish you well and give you major points for reaching out like this.

RL
 
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booch007 responded:
Aren't you great...

When I get in trouble he just gives me space. Not demanding of me, looking for me to do anything but argue with this body and try to get out of trouble is all can handle at the time.

PRICELESS to me is he knows I am in trouble and wishes for me to be better. When he didn't understand and we argued over *pushing me to do things here and there were the times that were rough. That tension of expectation adds to my pain and issues.

I am high functioning but when I crash....I burn like everyone else.

He will massage me with the capsacian cream (sombra is what I use) I have it by the quart and pump....He cooks and cleans up after dinner for me.

My husband came to the doctor and saw my therapy (trigger point injections) and learned about *my issues...then we worked it out. I am very lucky.

I say I have a wellness window, it is about 8 hours maybe 10 now that I am doing other things at work and am better. I will help do anything then, but by the edge of that window I am starting to fail and have to sit and heat the muscles and rest.

This is like having the flu...you ache and energy is low. At times I could say that I was stung by a bunch of bees...the skin sites are so active.

OK, I hug you for wanting to help her. Learning about the issue, being there and not expecting is great, this is tough to fight each day.

Nancy B
 
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dollbug responded:
Hello and welcome....MiMi in NC....there are all sorts of things you can do to help your partner. To begin with you should learn about FM and just how it affects people. It is a very ugly and mean illness and for the most part....there are still a lot of unknowns about it. Doctors do not always understand it and family and friends don't either. Heck those of us who face it each and every day don't even always knows what to expect and how to *ease the pain*. I do know from experience that *stress* causes it to show its ugly head. And as we all know stress comes in many ways.

Overdoing anything can cause majors problems for me. A person should learn how to pace, pace and pace even more. It never pays to try to cross the line and push ourselves to the limit....no matter what it is. Getting enough quality sleep is also important. There are times though when I am *dead tired* and still can not sleep.

Helping with housework would be a good thing....especially things that are hard on the body. Heavy lifting or pushing or pulling things are things which bother me. I use to be able to do so much more than I can now do.

There are a lot of us FMers who deal with multiple health issues so this will probably depend upon what all is going on with the individual.

There are all kinds of *tools* which might help but it does take a trial and error process to find the right combination of tools that will work....and this does take time and effort.

I also have chronic fatigue.....and energy is a big problem for me. There are days when I feel ok and can do things and then there are times when I have no energy at all. There are times when it hits me all of a sudden too. There is nothing that I can do about this. Perhaps we had something planned and I had to back out. In the beginning I hated this myself but there was absolutely nothing that I could do about this. When it hits, it hits and there is nothing to do but to rest....regardless of what we would like to do.

I hope this provides you with some things about the wrath of the dragon, aka FM.

Take care and I hope things get better for both of you.


MiMi
IN GOD WE TRUST....MAY GOD BLESS AND GUIDE AMERICA....

My personal exchanges are Vitamin D and Pain and Wrath of the Dragon....if you care to visit..
 
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BetteK responded:
My husband is usually great. On bad days he cooks. He's been known to bring me some dinner in bed. He does all the vacuuming. (If there is one thing guaranteed to bring on a flare, it is vacuuming--all that repetitive motion and twisting the body core.

Right now, I have a load of towels in the dryer. They've been there for most of the week because I just can't force myself to do the multiple bending and pulling necessary to get the load out. If hubby wants his clothes washed, he'll have to do the switching from washer to dryer and dryer to basket. I can do the folding at the kitchen table and put things away one load at a time. But the bending, stretching, and twisting are not an option right now.

I need a bath or shower 2 X a day. It's nicer if no one comes into our only bathroom and lets colder air in, so I ask if anyone needs the bathroom first. (We have always taken the approach that calls of nature are more important than privacy in a one bathroom house with two growing boys and two adults. We've all seen it all. Big deal.)

Sometimes, your wife will need quiet, ALONE time. It takes energy to talk--even with the one you love. Sometimes there is no energy to spare. Other times, she will welcome your company. Don't be insulted if she is a crabby b*tch on some days. It's hard to be nice when every muscle in your body hurts, you haven't really slept in weeks, and there are STILL things you feel you must do today.

Being a kind, willing helpmeet is priceless. You are a gem, the poet's "pearl of great price" to your wife. And she appreciates it--at least when the fibrofog lets her notice you are there.

BetteK
 
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missist replied to BetteK's response:
Please go to the store and pick up what we need, don't make me go out again...

buy me that hot tub!

Don't get annoyed if I repeat the same things I forgot.

Be nice.
 
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HealthyD responded:
Hello,
He's going to feel like he's just ran a marathon and it could last days to months before it tames, depending on what the person does. And he could feel like someone took a hammer to every single part of his body that severe. So I would look at not just one thing as several things may or may not help hopefully some will. And though it worked yesterday it may not work systematically so you may need to change it up. Try heat, try cold. Sometimes cold works for me sometimes heat does and depends on weather too, hormones, food intake so many factors. I think everyone should document their food intake daily just scribble it with day/date. There are also trigger foods. Triggers could trigger in hrs to days later. Anything that relaxes is usually of help. Ask your local vitamin shop or natural food shop if you have one. Massages (very light), saunas, acupuncture, teas, sunlight, beach, sea minerals, thinking positive, don't stress, avoid stress as much as possible, warm or cold drinks best to drink warm, avoid alcohol, junk food as much as possible, warm music and mix and match. Try to eat raw foods, less meat, salt, and dairy and drink water--spring or bottled any other than faucet.
I hope this helps.


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