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Bellagirl31 posted:
It has been a little over a year since I have written and let me tell you, a year can change everything. Within 8 months I have lost my father and grandmother, gained 40lbs, started my own business, took on running someone else business during the day and as of this weekend barley able to pull myself out of bed. My Fibro pain got a little better at the beginning of the year then the last few weeks I have progressively found myself back to the starting line from when I diagnosed 2 years ago.

I am now in a relationship (Mike) and he is great (even wants to get married) but since the lurking of pain is always present here lately, hurts to be held, hugged, loved on, it is seemingly putting a little strain on things. I am in bed at 7 pm and he stays up and crawls in at midnight. He understands the Fibro for the most part, He has got me through flare-ups just something has changed.

I have already called my specialists, started going back to my treatments to ease some of the pain and stiffness. My question is how do I express to him that it isn't that I am depressed, losing interest, simply bored, or not angry with him or his son. It is that I am simply hurting, nothing more nothing less-although nothing plain and simple about this. He view on things that once you are able to try to control some of the symptoms with medicine that flare-ups should be few and far between. I try to be open to this but frankly my first year was spent in and out of doctors and treatments, which he never saw, to be able to TRY to live a normal life. Him simply trying to tough love me to go and do things when it hurts to move, breath, think causes me to be defensive and we will argue. I need a non-attacking way to talk to him to make him understand more that this is on-going not just take medicine and move on. I love him very much and yes want to marry him but truly the last few weeks have been tough.
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bette_kaffitz responded:
Bella,

This is the hard truth: No one who does not have fibromyalgia can possibly understand your life. How can you explain it to Mike? Try asking him to remember the time he was in the most pain, the time he was absolutely dog tired, and the time he forgot something important. Now ask him to imagine all three happening at once. This is fibromyalgia.

As you have discovered, fibro can get better for a while, and fibro can get worse for a while. That--until or unless a real cure is found--is your life. I think it is good for Mike to see you on a bad day this early in your relationship. Not everyone is capable of living with someone with a chronic illness. If Mike is not, this is the time to discover that--for both your sakes.

And if Mike is the kind of man who can accept you and your fibro as a total package, you will have learned what a wonderful "keeper" it is.

Those of us who developed our fibro well into our marriages are in a different situation. Our mates married healthy, vibrant partners. Somewhere along the way, they found themselves tied to mates who cannot always be the partner they wed. It brings a new dimension to "in sickness and in health." Many of us here tell of how fibro was the end of previously-good marriages. My husband has had to do a lot of the "woman's work" around the house. He complains, but he doesn't mean it. It's just for show.

You are about to see what Mike is made of. I hope it is steel. If it turns out to be cardboard, who needs him? A strong woman who can live a good life with a chronic illness like fibromyalgia does NOT need a paper tiger tied to her neck.

Bette
 
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Bellagirl31 replied to bette_kaffitz's response:
Thank You Bette,

My family are my biggest supporters now and have told him about the bad times, hospital times, and he seemed to be okay with it. I made it through the funerals, opening a business this year, added a significant other with a 5 year old, and I hope he sees that even though my strength and fight is there, tough love isn't the way to go. Again thank you so much for your advise, this is the first real relationship that I have had since I was diagnosed so it is new ground for me.
 
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dollbug responded:
Hello Bellagirl and welcome back. MiMi in NC. Living with the wrath of the dragon is a tough life. And for the most part, only those who face each and every day, understand what this kind of life is like. Do we like it? Do we understand it? No, to both questions. We, FMers, though must deal with it regardless. We have no other choice. In the beginning when I first got sick, I had no idea from hour to hour what might happen. This is a bit better now as I have learned just how much I can *push myself*, for the most part. There are still days though that I have no control over. I have learned how to deal with the FM pain by taking vitamins and supplements and doing other things as well. The chronic fatigue though has not improved. There are some days though that are better than others. Why is this? I have no idea.

I have had a lot of *stress* in my life so I am thinking this has had something to do with it. Family issues are very hard to deal with and there is not much of anything that I can actually do about it, whether I like it or not. I have had to find ways to pace, pace and pace even more.

If your mate thinks that you can actually *control* FM and what it can do....and that flare up should be *few and far between....I am here to tell you that he might be surprised. I truly do not think any of us can *control* the way this illness works...no matter how hard we try.

Although I can help my pain, I am NOT painfree, nor do I ever expect to be. I continue to have bad days and some which are not too bad. I only hope that I will have more good than bad some day.

I would suggest to you though to encourage him to learn more about FM....so he can understand more about it and what it may or may not do.

I truly think that times like this is why people take vows, when they decide to marry. I also think that most people do NOT even know what they actually *repeat* when they take the vows, which is really sad.

I hope that Mike is the person that you will be able to spend the rest of your life with because I do think everyone needs a soulmate.

I hope you will continue to recover from the stresses that you have endured in your life...losing a parent and grandparent is not an easy time for most of us FMers, especially if you were close to them.

I hope things work out for you.

In the meantime, I do hope you will continue to post and let us know how things are going with your life.

Take care and good luck to you both.


MiMi
IN GOD WE TRUST....MAY GOD BLESS AND GUIDE AMERICA....



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