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Especially lost tonight
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dakotaspirit1957 posted:
I don't always get down.... It is pretty rough when I do....I am usually very positive and strong in my heart and soul.... A plus that has kept me going for years... But tonight I feel weak and alone.... I feel as if I am walking a darkened path alone again... I know you are here... That is why I am here... Unfortionately.... deep down... I want a human to hold me and fix my pain.... I can't find that in my life and never will.... There is just too much to fix and too may incurables....

I don't allow the tears to fall often.... Especially the ones under the self pity title... I can't fight them back tonight.... I don't feel strong.... I feel as if... Well if I don't allow myself to feel this way right now I will be further crushed...

I remember the days I was told I had cancer... They were devastating... Especially when my children were young and counting on me... Then the last time they were older and gone and the Dr told me the cancer would take me.... But I believed there was a cure just as I believed every other time... So they did all they could... Put me o a miraculous experimental drug and years ago told me to fulfill what I wanted.... Sending me home with vials of morphine... I lived...

But then they kept coming with diagnosis that were incurable... MS... RSD... Diabetes.... FM... Parkinsons.... Degenerating Bones and Disc Disease.... Not much digestion left due to past stomache cancer... that I believed wasn't going to kill me... Colitis... Neuropathy... Not necessarily in that order... Incurable... And hopeless... Oh and don't forget I have to deal with all this after being diagnosed with Bipolar Depression with suicidal tendencies... PTSD due to abuse for over 28 years.... I am only 56... That is half my life now... I never thought I would see today.... Making it to half my life without abuse...

Now tonight I seem to be abusing myself.... Forgetting who I was yesterday and how far I have come.... All I can think about is how far this all has beaten me... I sit in my wheelchair... Retyping this over and over... Don't know if I can blame the keys for moving or me for not typing them right lol... I swear they are moving.... Either that or this brain fog is getting worse.... Probably brain fog huh...

I have stopped crying... I think I sat alone long enough.... Just like the first night here.... When I was suicidal and asking for help... You were there then a you are now.... Even if you are new here you were here... I know that is dumb sounding... But today you remind me of that day and how the compassion and hope and love here reached out to me.... How I was lost and alone as I felt tonight....

I don't always allow myself to dig into depression..... But then I dig into myself and find reason again.... Reason to Reach out in need when I am the only one to be needed.... Reason to Reach out in weakness when I am suppose to be the strong one.... Reason to Search for the hope in a hopeless situation in my heart and soul.... Only to find the hope was always there.... I just had to dig deeper for it....

You all put that Hope there.... You gave me Strength... Just as the people who join us tomorrow give me the same Hope and Strength tonight.... My heart and soul soul begs me to pick up the pieces and hold dear to the peace and hope found deep within.... I may faultier again some day or hour... But I hope I can return here to find who I need.... You....

Thanks for being here.... Again and Again You Save My Life and Make It Worth Living....

Take care.... Love Jan/Dakota
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dollbug responded:
Hello Jan....MiMi in NC. I think we all go through times like this. Know though that you are not alone. I also think that with illnesses that have no cure does not help us either....as we know that we are fighting something that we will never get rid of...(at least, for now-perhaps a cure will one day arrive)...but regardless...we must keep on keeping on.

Sounds like to me you are a *bit homesick*...and I am sure you miss your family and friends. I hope today you will pick up the telephone though and give them a call. Know that this too will pass. We, FMers, must continue to keep on keeping on. Things do get better with time and effort on our part.

As I was talking to my daughter this week...*things could be so much worse*...so I am thankful that things were NOT as bad as it could have been...I do NOT even like thinking about what might have happened. So I think we all go through tough times.

Today, Jan...do something good for you. Watch a good movie or read a good book. Take time for you. Try to REST AND REGROUP. Write in your journal. Listen to some good music...(perhaps bring out the Christmas music-it is ok...not too early to do this)

I am sure that soon you will *feel better*...I think we all have things to deal with and sometimes it can seem like we will never feel better again...but I think you and I both know that things do get better.

I thank GOD every day that I have been so very blessed with what I have.

Remember that we are here for you. We care.
I hope you can at least have some warm sunshine to enjoy today. Find yourself a place where you can at least sit in front of and feel the warmth against your skin. Get some of the natural Vitamin D that our body needs.

Have a good day and remember that things will get better soon.


MiMi
IN GOD WE TRUST....MAY GOD BLESS AND GUIDE AMERICA....

 
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fibroinsd responded:
Hi Jan...gentle hugs to you...yes..you are right..you have more on your plate than most..and most of the time deal with it remarkably well...so you are allowed to have a pity party once in awhile...just don't let it linger too long...reach out to others...they say that once you ask for help, you would be surprised where help will come from...so keep your eyes open..there may be something just around the corner that will give you your hope back...

I send my love..and hope you are ok...and I know this transition has been difficult..I hope you can get to a doctor soon...and get some help..If not, call 911 and let them know if you are suicidal..and they will get you some help, I am sure.

cece
Let's put the fun back in dysfunctional !- Mary Englebright
 
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missist replied to fibroinsd's response:
Hey Jan, boy I'm just amazed that you don't feel this way more often considering all the stuff. God bless and get some rest, the battle is not done til its done, but sometimes we do need to sit out a spell. with Love & prayers, mary


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