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    Giving up and giving in..
    An_249675 posted:
    Anon posted: "Only you can decide to give up and give in". Great advice! No one can make us do anything, can they? If someone was going to harm us could we make them stop, maybe not, but we would certainly try to make them. Empathy is required here. Not a "do what you want to do attitude". If people are on this site they are here for a reason. SUPPORT and understanding. I wonder why someone who appears to be having no problems and is doing so well, never tells anyone anything is wrong, never complains, never wants to give up etc. etc. is on here posting. That's why a little ranting and raving and venting should be allowed.
    I am in pain 24/7. I can't take anything because it all makes me so sick. I have no support and no income. I barely eat because so many foods increase my pain. My family, once well off is now in dire straits. I can't afford therapy, massage, acupuncture, chiro, or any other therapeutic treatments. I cry with my pain many days and many days I want to "give up". Chronic pain and insomnia lead to depression for many of us with FM and if we are intolerant to meds. what do we do?
    Good for you, you are doing so well but try some compassion for those who are really suffering and looking for someone to validate their concerns about a condition which has so many far reaching affects and is quite complex to treat because there are so many symptoms. Pain may be the least of someone's worries, anxiety, fatigue and insomnia and a host of other issues can put someone over the edge.
    Anon_10089 responded:
    Hello- I agree with you. There are times where I have felt victimized by FM and don't feel like I can choose to feel okay about it. I think, though, that person really feels that way and shares how she has gotten through dealing with FM. I think she is really trying to help people see a different perspective. I just don't think most of us are wired that way.

    The majority here understand your perspective and the need to vent. I think many of us stay strong or put on the appearance of strength but use this board as a place to be completely honest and vent about our fears and frustrations.
    missist replied to Anon_10089's response:
    Hi Anon_24... & Anon_100... Feel for both of you, having a time of it lately myself. I don't know what exactly you are talking about though as far as empathy.

    I must have missed something. I know sometimes I have a hard time remembering who is who or what they said--just cuz I have a hard time remembering ANY thing--LOL; my brain fog is insane.

    Anyhow venting is OK, everyone has their venting moments. God Bless and I hope things improve or you figure out someway to make life more tolerable.
    ajnsmom responded:
    I remember the post you are referring too, and I had similar thoughts about it. I know that finding this group was such a relief to me when I was first diagnosed. It is a depressing disease, and I think we all come to the point of feeling hopeless sometimes. And venting here is a healthy way to deal with our feelings whether anyone wants to hear (read) about it or not. lol If people don't want to know what's going on in our hearts and minds in dealing with this illness, they can just stop reading the posts.

    I really feel for you in the situation you're in! I don't know where you live, but you may want to contact the local Department of Health to see if they can help you get into a free clinic if one is offered in your area. I hope you have a heating pad and a comfortable bed. Getting a memory foam topper at Walmart was one of the best things I could do when I was still working. I'm broke right now waiting on a SSDI decision. Anyway, please keep posting and know that you're in my prayers,

    Linda S.
    booch007 replied to ajnsmom's response:
    Good morning all,

    I also don't know the post you are spaeking of. But I will sound like Caprice who used to be here.

    This is an open forum that many and all can come to. We have had people who where the spouse of an FMer asking for guidance to help, we have had people looking to sell things they say are cures.....(ha) and we have had the one's who are fresh and insensitive. I can remember one that started such a fight on was pulled but the feeling remaind for a while.

    Sometimes I think too that wroting in pain or in a med can alter the conversation too.

    If it looks offensive "skip it" it may not be from a person walking this path. I feel I am pretty high functioning. I have about an 8 hours window of good life and then I fall back into the shell this has created. Good days and bad. I talk positive here as I am hopeful it gives hope to someone.

    The years I am here have brought me to such a better place in my head but as you said it is depressing. I was told over and over YOU ARE DPRESSED. That is crap...I am LOW because I am in PAIN....It was so hard to get that in the heads of those around me.

    I am sorry something here offended you. The board is definetly a place to rant and cry....share and lean in...dump it all here. Our families don't want to hear it. I talked about it so much in the beginning as I was trying to figure it all out......putting it here and talking to the crowd in those years I guess saved my marriage! I was on maybe 3 times a day asking questions and sharing.

    Don't let anyone steal your thunder....this is a very important place for the people dealing with this disease. Stay and post.
    It was only one in many look and don't post. At times I do this too.

    Hope you can get to a better place. Check with the Persons with disabilities area. There may be help there.

    Nancy B

    So many times I wish I was a social worker. They have all this knowledge for referrals. What department and resource helps for that and this issue. Oh well. Cardiovascular is what I have.

    Gentle hugs from me, Nancy B
    dollbug responded:

    Hello...I think the post which is being *discussed* is actually recent and can be found on this page...go to the 6 days ago and it is under the same title *giving up and giving in*.

    MiMi in NC. I now want to also comment to what has been discussed. Most of us are FMers here who post and most of us have been down the path that some might be experiencing now. This support group use to have *PROFESSIONALS (Dr P being one of them). They were here on behalf of WEBMD. They are no longer here. We do have many *professional FMers* though who take the time and effort to *share* whatever they find a need to tell others about their life...(most being FM related - some from a personal point of view).

    No one is *REQUIRED* to post anything. Web MD does have *guidelines, rules and regulations* of what is *allowed*...and those of us who post are suppose to follow these.

    Actually I think we have our share of people *ranting and raving and venting* which is ok as long as we follow what is allowed.

    Being in pain can cause anyone to be *ugly and mean* at times...and perhaps comments are made which *are taken the wrong way*. I do NOT think, for a moment, that anyone truly means for this to happen.

    We are in 2013***and modern day technology is something that most of us use daily. For some it might be a *lifeline* to the outside world, especially those who might be homebound. For the most part, this is a *wonderful tool* ,
    and for some maybe NOT.

    Some of us are oldie goldies and have been here for a very long time. There are many who join and never post again, for whatever reason. I am sure some get mad and leave.

    To my knowledge though not many of us actually personally know others who are posting here. (I do remember though that a few have actually met)

    I would agree that IF you are here for SUPPORT AND UNDERSTANDING...and you are interested in finding out more about the wrath of the dragon and what others have found that has helped them cope better...this is a good place to be. This is a wonderful group of people who share things that others just night find helpful to them as well. Some of us get more than we give and others give more than they get. You might join and decide you can NOT learn anything or contribute anything to others or you just might find out something that will indeed help you cope better the rest of your life.

    I will now share with everyone something that I learned when my DH had cancer. His doctor told him that he *did not need to sweat the little things in life*. At the same time, the doctors did NOT know that he would beat cancer. He is now going into his 21st year of recovery. He had a very *positive attitude*.

    I am sad that any of us, FMers, have to face the wrath of the dragon each and every day and figure out how to cope better. I do NOT think though that we have a choice in this matter.

    We must keep on keeping I think that there is *something* that will help you cope better. You just have to find it. Will it take away your pain completely? Probably NOT. But it just might make your life a bit more comfortable.

    Take care and good luck.


    painfullyexhausted responded:
    Not to continue with the indifferences of the post that I believe you're referring to but I can absolutely see why it was upsetting. It's been said before but everyone deals with FM/CFS differently and by that I mean some are in more difficult situations such as working crazy hours and not sleeping. I'm more like you with having pain 24/7 though at times it's not a 10 it's still pain. Not sleeping only intensifies your pain as I'm sure you're well aware of. I think people that have more of "set" work hours and maybe better sleep schedules, don't experience the pain like some of us do.

    EVERY case is different and I could easily be called a complainer but so what. My theory is "until you walk a mile in my shoes don't assume you know my story".

    Everyone here shares their lives, good or bad and if someone is having a "give up or give in day" then encouragement goes a long way. I would be lying if I said I haven't posted similar things about just being done with all of this. It's a moment of weakness that can't be helped. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy !

    I do believe that a positive attitude can help carry you through a rough patch although it's extremely hard to be positive while dealing with chronic pain. I try to wake up and think "ok, I'm going to be positive no matter what" well sometimes that gets me to the shower and then I fall apart because it hurts to even walk to the bathroom and I'm so exhausted.

    I do have set hours at work but that doesn't mean it's any easier so I can't imagine what you go through. Even at my worst, I try to be there for others that are having a bad day. They have no clue what I'm going through and quite frankly even if they did they wouldn't care. It seems that I'm always the one asking how others are and trying to "fix" them. I know better than to add stress to my own life but I can't help it. I guess that why it's 1:10 am and I'm reaching out to you lol.

    I'm going out on a limb here and saying that maybe she didn't mean it the way it sounded even though I was slightly offended by it. I've noticed if a FMer is having a good day they want to maybe seem positive but it comes out as "suck it up". I don't know. I guess I just wanted you to know that there's a lot of great people here that do get it whether they're having a good or bad day because we all have bad days and sometimes days turn into weeks and it's very easy to give up. Yes it is your choice but that's for you to decide and if you give up or give in then that's just what you have to do Just keep in mind that we will listen and offer up advice even though you may hear the same thing over and over its because for the most part, people are here to help get you through your bad day.

    It seems that there's always negative comments, not just here, but everywhere when people don't understand what you're going through. Some don't have it/life as bad as others so please keep that in mind. And that goes for life in general.

    Please try to stay positive in a negative world. And with that being said, I should take my own advice !! I hope things calm down and get better for you and know in your heart that you're doing the best that you can with what you have to work with. Don't let people get to you, that is definitely going to add to your stress. It's you that matters, nobody else.

    Stay strong ! Best wishes !
    An_249675 replied to painfullyexhausted's response:
    Painfully exhausted: Thank you for this. In your message I detect someone with compassion and sympathy. Of course we can choose to do whatever we wish in our lives. A relative of mine is an alcoholic and she chooses to continue this way despite what anyone says. We cannot "make" her stop. It has to be her decision. On that point I agree but when that poor woman came on here to describe how difficult things were for her and that she likely was coming from a bad place that day and needed to reach out, someone said rather coldly, I thought, that it is her choice to give up.
    You said in your message that no one really understands, they don't have a clue as to how you really feel and quite frankly you feel that they don't care. Surely if this is the case as it is for me and I imagine many others, why wouldn't it be OK to come to a site such as this for some sympathy, advice and understanding and with a feeling that it happens and we are accepting of it. I don't have any family support. Even my husband and daughter are completely oblivious to what I am feeling. I would like to think I can spout off here once in a while if I need to. It can depend on where we are at and how we feel that day too - the feeling of desperation and futility is stronger for me on some days than others and that will come across if I choose to post that day. Isn't that the purpose of the FMily?
    Consider this: If my daughter (23) came to me and said, "I feel like giving up". My first thought would be - "what I can I do to help". Secondly, I would want to talk to her and find out the reasons for her feeling this way, validate her concerns and help her come to a solution. While ultimately it is her choice, if that choice was harmful to her or others, I don't think it would be a helpful thing to say.
    Certainly, after the diagnosis it is very trying. We have to come to terms with everything; so many symptoms, so many Drs. tests, meds, side effects, fatigue, inability to work perhaps, lack of understanding and support and all of that. I was diagnosed two years ago although I had symptoms long before that. I was consumed by it at first but now I have settled down a bit. Nancy referred to this. Because I haven't found a way to manage my pain I am constantly researching and trying natural ways to help me along the way. While I have felt like "giving up", obviously I haven't. I'm still here and I have some very good days and some very bad days but I go on and try to be as positive as I can because I know this helps.
    Like you I have a lot of empathy for other people and when they are sick, I forget my own pain in order to help them. That makes us better people.
    Thanks to everyone for your input.
    An_249441 replied to An_249675's response:
    Sorry to break in uninvited, but I really need to defend that lady. She's been on this board for years and has been a good contributor. Maybe she's not all twinkles and pixie dust, but come on, we're grown ups here! I know there are plenty of times when her way is the best way for me.

    So can we let this drop now? Thanks
    kasie75 replied to An_249675's response:
    I am new to fibro and to this site and I did not read nor could I find what discussion you are referring to. However by reading your responses I just have to say a couple words. If anyone for any reason states they can't stand it anymore and or just want to give up, that's a cry for help and they need to be reminded about family and good times and that they are not alone. No one should say oh its your choice. This is true to my heart because a very close cousin of mine took his life at the young age of 25. Also, three years ago, my father who was in tons of pain and had many, many health conditions also took his own life.
    Since I became ill, I have thought many times, if I have to spend the rest of my life like this then I do not want to go on. I have no support, my husband doesn't understand, my kids don't understand, they just want their mom back, maybe they think I just became lazy all of a sudden. I was a mom who did everything for them, I mean everything prob babied them to much and now I don't feel like taking them places and the house isn't clean like it was and I tell them I will take care of something and I either forget or it just doesn't get done. However I know I could never end my life because of them. I know what its like to have someone take their own life! The questions they would have, how this would affect their lives. When my dad took his, Ive just always thought if I could have just spoke to him one last time. The last time we spoke we were not on good terms and that is how we left it. So I will never be able to let him know how much I loved him.

    I am tired of hurting and tired of being tired and tired of walking in a fog. I'm sick of being broke because I am not working. But I am taking one day at a time and I am thankful, because I know there are many worse than me. I know my kids would be lost without me. Whatever it is you can do to make it through your day is what you need to do. Talking when I am sad, angry or depressant (which is a lot these days) somehow it helps me in a way.
    I guess what I am trying to say is if anyone feels hopeless and at their breaking point, please find someone, anyone to talk to. Because no matter who you are, you will be missed and your absences will affect more than you know!
    I pray for everyone to have a restful night and a good day tomorrow, thanks for listening to me so on and on.
    kasie75 replied to An_249441's response:
    sorry, your post about dropping this did not come up until I had already sent my response. I am not trying to start anything, I just wanted to get it out that if anyone needs to talk then that is what we are here for, I do not know any of the parties involved.
    An_249441 replied to kasie75's response:
    Hi Kasie,

    I don't think your response would ever be interpreted as starting anything. It's really an excellent piece on the emotional difficulties and isolation we face so often. You've been through some terrible stuff and I'm truly sorry for your losses. I have gotten too close to that black ledge twice, and it ain't pretty. You wrote about it very well.

    Anyway, I was just trying to get the focus off one response from a few weeks ago that still seems to be annoying some people. The writer has a more concrete style, not as soft as people expected. Oh well.

    An_249675 replied to kasie75's response:
    Hi Kasie.
    Your message was heartfelt and I feel deeply sorry for what you have gone through and sympathize with your current issues. It was never my intention to start anything as I understand from Nancy that it has happened before and it's not helpful to anyone. I just wanted to add that as a former health care worker I do know that 65% of people with chronic pain also suffer from depression. I guess you could ask which comes first? Therefore it is important to think about what you advise people to do when they are in a vulnerable state, in pain and exhausted and overwhelmed by everything because it might just be the breaking point for them especially if they have been unable to find other help. If I had gone with "my choice" at a very bad time in my life, I wouldn't be here now.
    My very best wishes to everyone for continued health.
    booch007 replied to An_249675's response:
    I have read the whole post here again and I think this started as a complaint about a post with a comment........but it has taken a life of it's own now and so many wonderful things are said here.

    When we first get the diagnosis of this there is elation of a label....finally I know what is going on. The reality of forever then hits you and what do i do, what will help.

    The road that follows is tough. trial and error and bad days and lost sleep. trying to still be ourselves and then getting the family closest to us to goes on.

    This board is so great to dump on, ask questions of anyone that might have an idea or plan that could help. It's open 24/7 for assistance. Sometimes someone just lurking may see a big need in someone and I have seen posts that ran all night long between two people. It is priceless.

    I too have planned my exit and then put it to the side. If I had left I would never have met my Grandchildren. When my first was born, it was ON my the hospital they said.."On Nana this is something special...GOD is telling you something" They had no idea what it was....."don't take your life Nan, it is precious and is needed in the future"

    The pain at the beginning of this was overwhelming I so needed a tune up and the right meds and a load of education. All this came after the diagnosis...then came the long and at times fruitless trial and error period. I have swallowed so much stuff and tried anything to see if there was relief.

    I even wore a huge magnet H U G the middle of my back to see if magnet therapy might be something for me. You can go crazy.


    Can I say that again: WE ARE THE STRONGEST PEOPLE I KNOW !!

    We are inventive, cautious, move when your body tells you to when you want to cry....

    Thank God we have this site to be in. It opened so much for me as the human by "make up " doesn't want to know. When someone say "Hey How Are You ???" They really don't want to is just a greeting. LOL

    Here, we want to know. The good, the bad, and the ugly.....

    OK. Look at all the great conversation that happened here. I love a good post for all to think about and by the way I still haven't seen the post this is about. I don't need to. The chatter here is all I needed to see what the feelings were all about.

    My hugs out to all of you. I really mean them too. This is tough stuff and we are all different in the fight. The pain I had once to get into the bathroom with the glasslike feeling in my feet is still fresh in my memory. But to be human...once pain is better it is really hard to remember exactly how that pain was.

    I used to write the descriptions when I got up so i could tell the doctor because after meds I was different and by 10am I was in a totally different place. A description was near impossible. So getting it on paper when I was in it, helped me to explain the mess better. It worked well for me.

    My journal helped me to see my improvements and my patterns.

    Keep up the good chatter and post often guys, we need this...

    OK, off the box. Nancy B
    dollbug replied to booch007's response:
    Hello Nana B. I just wanted to say THANK YOU for your reply....I hope everyone....and I do mean EVERYONE...will take the time and effort to read this.

    I think it is important for people who are faced with dealing and trying to *cope with the wrath of the dragon* to know and understand that with *seeking to understand about this ugly and mean illness* is so very *important* and that there are *tools* which will certainly make a HUGE DIFFERENCE in how we deal with it everyday. We also must remember that on the *tough and rough days that we will have to face, *this too will pass*....I have said this many, many times....everything is a *process* with FM.

    Over the years I have learned that *training, communication and interpretation* are the 3 most important things that help people to know and understand about anything they have to figure out. These 3 words make the world go round.

    I think this support group is a prime example of this.

    We are all in this together, whether we like it or not.
    And you never know just what *tool* might make a difference in the way we cope.

    Take care and again.....thanks for your input. As very good.


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