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Dealing with Fibro and having teenagers!
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kasie75 posted:
I started getting ill about two years ago and the first year was the worse. It is my fault that I have let my children be lazy, I have done everything for them, basically waiting on them hand and foot. My daughter is 15 and I am not sure if it is her age or the fact I have made her this way. She still expects me to do everything for her and acts mad when I don't and it does not seem to make a difference to her how I feel. For once I would just like her to say mom how are you doing today or mom can I get you anything! I guess I show my love by doing for others and in return I just get taken advantage of. This has been the result even in my work experiences, where I try to help out others taking on more and more taking on more than I can handle. I love doing things for my daughter because I love her greatly but how do I get her to understand that life is different now and that I need help with things and I can't always do everything she wants. I have tried explaining my illness to her but to her I look fine and I guess she thinks its not as bad as I make it out to be. Has anyone gone through this, how can I make her care about me as much as I care about her?? How do you explain this illness to a teenager that only seems to care about themselves.
Kasie
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booch007 responded:
Oh Kasie...this is a tough one as a teeneager is invincible. They are not made to look at you to help, their thoughts are to play, hang out and talk with their friends....."networking"

I have had this disease or imbalance or syndrome (whatever you want to call it) for so many years and the hardest time I had was with my Teenage son's. Well one more than the other.

Making fun of me, not helping me....I can remember being in the shower and crying so they wouldn't hear me......

What broke the ice and fixed it for me, was I brought my husband to the neurologist's so HE would learn about all this and they started my trigger point injections that day. I received 60 injections all over my neck and back.....my husband was speechless.

Each site was a trigger point and now he SAW...my issues and knew from the "Neurologist specialist" that it was real.

He became my Champion and sat with my son's and straightened them out. They so many times then would say "no Ma" don't do that it could hurt you..I'll help.

Now they are both married and out of the house. Working ard to get their lives on track. I do ask for help, I do sink into a low now and again (like now) when the body is holding me back.

So, can you take her to the doctor with you? Maybe print up the Spoon theory from the website www.Butyoudontlooksick.com

Hope I have that right. If not someone will point you in the right direction. It is meant for Lupus but we use it. It is very good.

I have spoken to work staff about spoons and running out of them . Actually that is what is going on now with me. NO SPOON LEFT..even at the start of the day.

I wish you so much luck. It is one of the issues brought up here all the time. Family and others don't get it...as humans we are made to forget pain, think about it. Remember you were in labor for her years ago...can you really talk of the pain it was. You know there was pain, but the memory is gone **on purpose. So that is why it is hard for people to get our pain...

Even for me, I would write the journal when I woke up because as the day progressed the pain would change or move or disappear and I couldn't document well what I was feeling.

So I as a patient, can't deal with the quality, depth and involvement of what muscle structures...once it changed and was better. I had to document the moment I was in it.

Thank God we are made this way! It would be an awful life if we didn't forget. People would only have one baby too.....

I wish you luck, but you may never get that from her. Just be true to you and do what you can. Gentle hugs to you.
Nancy B
 
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kasie75 replied to booch007's response:
Thanks so much Nancy!

That helps so much that you have gone through this also! I know teens are selfish and I should not let it hurt my feeling so bad, its funny because I have also cried many times in the shower so no one can hear. In some strange way it really just helped me to hear that someone else has gone through the same situation. That is a great idea having her go to the doctor with me maybe that will give her a better understanding.
As always thanks for your words of wisdom!
Everyone on here is so helpful and I am blessed to find you all.
Kasie
 
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booch007 replied to kasie75's response:
Kasie,

I really feel for you here. It was a hard time then. We have so much to deal with when we are diagnosed then meds being tried and realizing what you can't do anymore.

I think some of the tears were mourning me.....the loss of me. Let alone that one of the son's was taunting me with "Oh I have a spasm...oh my neck...."

I think children can't hear or deal with their parents NOT BEING PERFECT...NOT BEING HEALTHY. We are supposed to live forever and do anything they need, as that has been the way they have seen it since they were born. We did it all......

I'm just so glad I brought my Champion husband with me that day to the doctors, so he just straightened out the whole group. Even the in-laws were better.

My problem is still me, taking on more than I can do, and now the shoe is on the other foot as they yell at me " Why did you do that? You didn't have to do so much, ask for help"...
It takes admitting you need help to ask for help. I have triumphed in this mess pretty well, but I haven't mastered all the nooks and crannies it creates. I still get into trouble.

Good luck with her, I also found I forgive better now.

Nancy B
 
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bette_kaffitz responded:
Kasie,

Definitely try that "bring your daughter to the doctor" idea. Then sit down with your daughter and tell her that you NEED a little more help from her.

At 15, she should know how to cook--at least some of her favorites. If she doesn't, it is time for you to teach her. If you start with the simple things (peeling potatoes, Shake 'n Bake for chicken or porkchops, mac and cheese) you should have her a little more self-sufficient in a few weeks. While you're at it, get her washing and folding at least her own clothes.

This child needs these life skills. Not that far from now, she will be on her own, and (unless she can hire a maid--laugh, laugh) she will have to do all this and more for herself.

One giant plus: you and your daughter will have some quality one-on-one time together. There's nothing like working together to cook a meal--nourishment for body and soul that is prepared with love--to cement ties with this former selfish-ingrate but-soon- to-be willing and competent helper.

Try it. You'll both like it.

Bette
 
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booch007 replied to bette_kaffitz's response:
Good Morning Bette,

I am laughing so loud here in my house. I raised son's and they did nothing to help most of the time, (unless a yell match occurred). They both are amazing husbands and DO IT ALL.
I never had them in the kitchen yet they were watching and keep to tradition in cooking.

One has a deli now with my husband and is a chef of chefs...and the other cooks on weekends to give the wife a break. It is amazing that kids see more than we think. It is just so hard for them to get this.(FM)

Hell, we still don't get this.

Kasie, just don't be disappointed the first time around. She wants you to be perfect. I didn't raise girls so I don't know but I think their bond to you is strained at times (when we don't measure up). I was glad it wasn't too bad for me, but I remember in their teens when they realized I didn't know everything......"what do you know?" Now that they are 30's I know alot more again!! Ha!

It is life. I did suggest this with my younger son as his wife doesn't cook at all*...Get the recipe book and cook together to make it loving and get her in the kitchen. I think it didn't work.
He cooks or they are out at a restaurant. . $$$?

Ok, had to just share my immediate laugh. I was so surprised when I went for dinner and both the son's served and cooked the meal. So proud.

Nancy B
 
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bette_kaffitz replied to booch007's response:
Nancy,

My brother never did anything around the house when he was little. Then he married a dear woman who doesn't like to cook.

My dear SIL does the shopping, and cleanup after each meal. But it's DB who does the cooking. And very well, too.

Hey, they both work. They both come home tired. Would you rather dirty the dishes or clean them? SIL does desert--if there is one. DB does the main course. Both of them feel that they have the better half of the bargain.

Still very sore. Trying not to use the oxycodone pills.

Tomorrow I'll see the occupational therapist and possibly get a better handle on this new version of our old enemy.

Towards better days,

Bette
 
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kasie75 replied to bette_kaffitz's response:
Thanks Bette and Nancy,

The funny thing is my daughter is in cooking at school and can probably cook better than I (which wouldn't be hard) lol.
You are right she does need to start doing things on her own she will soon be an adult and how the lazy I have made her I told her you better get a good job because she is going to need a maid. Maybe she will meet a man that waits on her and tends to her every need like her mommy! Right good luck there! I just need to put my foot down and say no you need to do this for your self. Easy said than done for me, my husband has been telling me this for years! Her father is not very involved in her life and I think I try to compensate for his lack of love by tending to her every need and completely babying her. I wish I would just make her life perfect and make it where she never feels life's pain.
Thanks again ladies you are wonderful people!!
Kasie
 
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Anon_2912 responded:
That is a hard one...Every teenager is different. I guess I didn't baby my son so I don't know how you would handle it now.

I would try like you suggested, she has to do her own things. Wash her clothes, make meals, clean her own room or bedroom.

Some kids can learn at this age, it is not too late for her and you.

Now I do have a pet peeve on parents saying, that their kids don't help now that they are sick, well to me kids should help and have respect weather you are ill or not.

An illness should never dictate how a child treats you.
 
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missist replied to kasie75's response:
I know this is well answered, but just chiming in. I raised 4 kids and homeschooled them. When they were mostly teens (one was out of house already) Hubby lost his job and was un employed or under employed for a few years. I went to work full time on my feet and did NOTHING when I got home as I couldn't move. I have to say-- kids go through things in their teens and they don't always share or listen. Hang in there though, take what you can get from them, love them, love them, love them.

They'll change- all of mine are loving to me now and to their beloved's as well.
Mary
 
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missist replied to missist's response:
Just to put this to the test, I just asked my daughter if she & hubby could come this weekend and help me with things I need to do for Christmas--get a tree, put it up, take boxes to attic, and finish leaf blowing. We shall see.. I did offer to cook. I'm betting they say yes-- will keep you posted.
Mary


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