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Decisions about failing marriage?
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C_R posted:
I have been married to my husband for 2 years and 2 months....We have been together for 8 years. We have 3 children...one just turned 1 earlier this month. WE LIVE APART....but are not separated...Long story...I'll try to sum it up: We rented a house...the landlord asked us to buy we said no...he started to bring people over and ask us to leave while he showed the property. We were already having problems as newlyweds....my husband stopped working..started drinking more..and even lost a job opportunity for a failed drug test. I didn't even know he was smoking weed! He would leave in the middle of the night while I was sleeping..either alone or with friends..but I wouldn't know until I woke to use the restroom or something. He would leave his phone so I couldn't fuss...or tell him to come home. He would arrive in time for me to leave for work at 4am. I trusted my husband! I just thought it was disrespectful for him to just leave in the middle of the night and not even say I'm leaving...let alone tell me where he was going! I thought that he could find himself in more trouble than he had anticipated putting himself in situations married men shouldn't be in...with his "friend"...whose marraige has been failing and basically over since before I met my husband. I ASKED HIM TO STOP IT...please stop leaving in the middle of the night.? Days later it would happen again. One Saturday I woke..at 3 am..I don't know how long my husband had been gone....his phone was on the dresser...I got up...packed the kids and went to my parents. We have not PERMANENTLY lived together since. He left a couple of weeks later and went to his mom's so the owner could sale his house. We reconciled...still lived apart..purchased a house that needed MUCH work! That December I was pregnant so I moved me and the children to his mom's 3 bedroom house. Our family shared a bedroom downstairs because the unoccupied bedroom did not recieve heat..and hadn't since before his mom bought the house 40 years ago! She wanted to turn our bedroom into a sitting room and suggested that we take our two small children and a new born and go sleep in the below freezing bedroom. (We live in Michigan). I told him that we couldn't do that and needed to find another place to stay until the house was done, even suggested a small apartment. He said all of our money should go towards fixing up the house we already owned. I left again..with my now 3 children and went to stay back with my parents...My husband still sleeps in the freezing room. It has been a year since we lived together, out of 2 years of marriage. So we really only lived together maybe 8 months. My husband has become COMFORTABLE.....he spends alot of free time clubbing. In April he made a MISTAKE and left me a voicemail. I heard him saying that an ex-girlfriend had called him and told him she was sorry for "blocking". He went on to say, I know that Pocohantes lookin chick wanted to give me some PU_ _ Y ! Needless to say I was shocked overwhelmed...hurt.. etc. found out that he had been talking to and meeting an ex..phone records showed..ALL DAY AND ALL NIGHT, and she wasn't the only one! I don't know if he cheated...he AND SHE says THEY never did.. I forgave him he said it would never happen again. I ASKED THAT HE STAY AWAY FROM THE CLUBS. We still live apart..a week ago my husband didn't log out of facebook during a visit to my house...he'd been sending a classmate emails. They weren't that bad....8 in total..very short: Hi.. how did you do on the test..I got an A..blah blah..THEN..I checked on another of his webpages. found random messages like DAMN YOU FINE, plus, emails to the same girl..."I don't like to talk on facebook. to PUBLIC...Your profile pic is cute..wink wink...and then exchanged phone numbers AND directions to a CLUB she works at.. THAT HE DID VISIT THAT NIGHT.. I contacted the girl...she says their just friends..BUT I THINK IT COULD HAVE LEAD TO MORE..
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Byroney_WebMD_Staff responded:
Dear C_R, I would suggest you speak to a marriage counselor, and sort out with him or her the facts of your relationship. It doesn't seem healthy that your husband pretends to be single and goes clubbing all of the time, while you hang out with the three kids and play detective with his phone records and Facebook account. Living apart for most of your marriage isn't helping, either. Your marriage counselor may suggest individual therapy as well. You might find more support if you posted this over on the Couples Coping Support Group board, too. Yours in health, Byroney


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